Dragon Story

by Karibela

Summer

While the dragon had said that she wouldn't fight, Crescent didn't budge until reinforcements arrived. Without the shields, which were stationary, they didn't have much of a way to defend themselves if Xenitha rightly thought to change her tune.

When they did, Ashy and his band were escorted out of the caves unthreatened by a squadron of the night's guard. Xenitha barely moved a muscle as she watched them leave. They passed through the tunnels to the entrance without a single interruption, past a glowing rock that Crescent had first seen as the torch.

The mission accomplished, Crescent returned to her chariot and back to Canterlot. She had done it! As soon as she could have an audience with Luna, she did, and told the princess all about it.

Luna was utterly relieved at being told that Ashy and his band members had arrived without harm, and then Crescent told her of the offer to Xenitha, to which she replied, “I will have to consult my sister, but this sounds to me worthwhile.”

Crescent couldn't help but ask, “My apologies, but would that take long? These dragons, while they are terrifying creatures... I pity them for their lot in life, if only for their wretchedness.”

“It is good of you to do so, Crescent, as it shows that you have put yourself in their hooves. That is a valuable skill, and you should never forget it. Do not worry about the dragons, though, as they will all be taken care of from here. After all, I'm sure it shall not take long to convince my sister,” Luna said, her mouth fading to a smile. “Xenitha might ring a bell.”

Comments

[The Grey Pegasus]

It reminds me of a story from long ago...

[HapHazred]

Whilst this story was certainly unique in how it felt more like a children's story than this site's usual fare, I feel it didn't quite manage what it was aiming for, which leads me to reject it from Goodfic Bin submissions.

Details are here.

[Cerulean Voice]

Well that was over remarkably fast.

And honestly, I don't remember most of it. I feel this could have easily been a one-shot story and been far better off. As it was, I barely had any time to take in what I'd read before I was clicking "next chapter." A story like this encourages skimming, and that's the last thing you want to be doing.
Sure you might have intended for it to be this way from the beginning, to capture a sense of childlike wonder or nostalgia for forgotten days, but while the intent was there, it would be a better story if I was reading this to a class of six-year-olds who actually don't have the attention span of an adult. I'm sure any child would love this, but I believe your intended audience and your actual audience are vastly different. Remember, this site's major population is adults, most of whom I'm safe in assuming have developed a far more advanced reading level.
For what it's worth, for what you were trying to do, it wasn't bad. But I've already forgotten most of what happened in this fic even now because of how quickly I was encouraged to blast through each chapter.

Just one more thing: Maybe it'd be better to have all of your art at the end of each chapter instead of the beginning, and shrunk down to about 1/3 its current size. As it is, the pics take up half of every chapter by themselves, and they also undermine the picture you're trying to show with your writing. Instead of getting one's own imagery, which helps with immersion, you're basically telling your readers what to see. Why have words at all?

If you want to see a really good example of how pictures in fics and "storybook" fics can work well, check out Goldie Delicious and the Three Heads, In the Place the Wild Horses Sleep, and Fractured Sunlight (it too has pics in every chapter, but they're small, off to the side, and don't try to show readers what they should be seeing).

[Muggonny]

Dear enti0,

Your story has been reviewed in The Pleasant Commentator and Review Group! and you have been given a Recommended rating.