"Look, spells can’t show you everything. I can show you awesome things your magic can never bring to your library!" Truer words have never been spoken in this tale about a Unicorn and a Pegasus, whose connection runs deeper than either of them could have imagined.
Remember the three R's - Read, Rate, Respectfully Criticize.
My current editor is my sister Val. I want to give a big shout out to Furor for his patient and selfless contributions to helping me get on my feet as a writer for this site!
For those who follow this story, I changed the image because I noticed just exactly how popular the image was as a cover art for twidash stories.
Chapters (8)
Words have never been spoken more true in this tale about a Unicorn and a Pegasus -> Truer words have never been spoken than in this tale about a unicorn and a pegasus -> You might want a prereader
twidash is always win, but this is 20% more win than plain old win.
I love a good Twidash
I can give it a chance.
610856 Explain "spacing out the story." Also, I am new to the functionality of this kind of website: I know I can edit the front-side of my story, but how can I actually go into a chapter an edit it? <<forgive stupidity (though I guess you forgave my stupidity already if you suffered the sloppy editing job, lol)
610855 Thank you for correcting me on this. My biggest confusion in grammar typically comes from forgetting whether an adjective gets -er/-est, or if one needs to phrase it as "more blank" or "most blank."
TwiDash? Instant like
make it where Dash is the nervous one? double insta-like!
Lacks polish, but I see potential. I'll keep an eye on this.
Try to use the return key a bit more I think Clonetrooperkev means. Indents are nice, but they don't really help with the feeling of creating a wall of text.
vary nice, I love the set up for this one. it makes it feel real and the drama that can come from it, this is shaping up to be a great read.
You have some good ideas(especially Unicorn/Pegasus headcannon), but the prose feels wordy, for an example, there is a lot of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome(ezn has a good article about common grammar and style mistakes like this).
> She then trotted up to her Pegasus friend, which caused her blue friend to lean back from their close sudden proximity.
Could be written as(but other variations work)
> She then trotted up to Rainbow Dash, who then leaned back.
Show, don't tell - the reader can infer that Rainbow Dash leaned back because Twilight got close; on the flipside, don't show/tell unnecessary details; referring to a character by description but not name is distracting outside of a scenic situation or when you can't use her name, and the same applies to Pegasus(unless it's relevant in context).
If replacing excessive description makes it repetitive, then either reword the sentence - the repetition usually stems from repetitive sentence structure(using description just hides the structure), or use more pronouns.
612415 thanks for the specific examples! This will give me a head start when I get off from work to finally get some edits in. I worked both my jobs today, so all I could do was wait until I had a chance to get back to my computer. I really just need to find an editor, because at this point it's clear that I foolishly attempted to edit the thing myself. I didn't even see some of the redundant descriptors and ambiguous pronouns until you pointed them out, and I'm sure there's more.
This is a pretty good start, but could definitely use some polish.
Rainbow Dash's lines and personality seem pretty accurate for her nervous side. Twilight, though, feels like you're trying too hard. You're making her speech sound too formal and too smart. One of the nice things about fanfiction is that your audience already knows the basics of your characters, so you don't have to lay it on so thick.
Also, I disliked the heavy head-canon intro. A story needs to start with something quick and interesting to catch a reader's attention, and instead this has several paragraphs of social sciences. If you want to establish what Equestrian society is like, work on doing it within the story with small subtexts or well-placed dialogue hints. Don't just drop it on the readers' heads from the start.
And, as above, technical issues, editor, etc. etc.
Anyways, I'll be following this. I love seeing authors with potential.
It's okay that you don't like the intro. Not every story can start out like Episode IV! (Star Wars, in case people may actually think I'm referencing ponies.) Don't be so quick to call it head-canon - I don't mean to create any kind of continuity with my stories, nor do I interpret the show to imply what I flesh out through this. Heck, I wasn't even too keen on shipping 'fics until this idea popped into my head the other day. This, like the other story I'm still structuring, are self-contained ideas which anyone can take or leave.
Author with potential - thanks? Anyway thanks for respecting the three R's!
And a big thanks to everyone who rated my story and/or fav'd it!
Very nice start to a story. Just a tad too much purple prose (for me at least) and with a grammar success rate of about 95%. I liked the intro, too. I've had some of the same ideas. Mainly that relationships between same genders are totally fine, but ones between unicorns and pegasi are frowned upon. It's not my head canon, mind you. I just thought it would make for an interesting story or two.
Back to this story: I see you capitalized the words 'unicorn', 'pegasus', 'earth pony' and even just 'pony' once. Don't. They're not names. MS Word may suggest to capitalize 'pegasus', but only because it thinks it's a name instead of a species/race.
For the paragraph length (assuming you haven't trimmed them yet): I don't mind them at all. Sometimes I think people want paragraphs to have a maximum length of five lines. I have no real preference for paragraph length, so you might as well make it more appealing to those who do mind them.
You're also switching somewhat randomly between past tense and present tense, especially at the start of the actual story. The intro being in present tense made me think that the whole story would be in present tense, which until now I have only seen one author use effectively. I suggest changing it all to past tense and past perfect for events further back than the actual story.
Also for your confusion about adjectives: You use '-er' and '-est' for adjectives that have just one syllable or end on a '-y' in the second syllable. At least that's how I learned it. Examples: hot - hotter, easy - easier, expensive - more expensive, and I can't think of a longer, gradable adjective with a 'y' at the end, but you get the idea.
Another point others already made: Twilight sounds like a robot. Or like some government official that uses the exact phrases and words that convey the meaning in the most precise way. I just couldn't hear her voice during most of her dialog.
Two things that stood out to me :
>I was actually planning out a day that just the two of us.
I think you accidentally a word or two in here.
>“Stupid, stupid Dashie,”
She calls herself 'Dashie'? I don't think she'd even let her mother call her that.
If you want, and don't already have another editor, I'd offer myself for that job. I'd hate to see this story get lower ratings just because of (let's face it) not having the best editing. If you want some credentials, then you could look at my story 'Dreamworlds' that I uploaded here. I think you might even like the fic itself.
615835 Thank you for taking the time to show me all this! This is important, because there would be those who would just say, "sux trololo," then disappear into the crowd. I think a big "my bad!" goes to the tense usage. I wanted to change the tense to separate the actual story from the - I don't actually have a good term for what I'm establishing with this, but I don't think it's necessarily in purple prose territory. The way I see it, it's only purple if it's unnecessary. The spots in which the narrative noticeably changes from story to background is the vehicle for the story. Or something. Why am I trying to write a compelling romance when I can't even properly speak? However, if tense hurts that idea more than it helps, then I don't mind necessary corrections.
I didn't even realize I typed "Dashie." That infectious fanfic still follows me, or it would seem.
May I send you a private message to discuss matters with you further?
616100
Okay, after skimming the story again, I admit that the 'purple prose' complaint wasn't really appropriate. I guess I was still thinking about Twilight's speech and that was the best thing that came to mind. There's nothing purple about this story except for Twilight.
And sure, send me a pm.
"Show, don't tell - the reader can infer that Rainbow Dash leaned back because Twilight got close; on the flipside, don't show/tell unnecessary details; referring to a character by description but not name is distracting outside of a scenic situation or when you can't use her name, and the same applies to Pegasus(unless it's relevant in context)."
Agreeing with this part of 612415 's comment especially, as long as you keep in mind that using character names constantly can quickly get very repetitive. You don't want to be referring to a character by their name more than twice (or three times if really necessary) in a paragraph, or things start to get very repetitive. This paragraph itself provides a related example, you'll notice--it can be very annoying when you end several successive sentences with the same word, because it's very repetitive.
Not saying it's bad, but the wall of text at the beginning explaining everything is a bit off-putting. I honestly skipped it to get to reading about action unfolding, I'm sorry. Maybe you could break it up more or even simplified it to shorten it. Other than that, I did enjoy the majority of dialogue, but a few of Twilight's parts did feel a bit off(I've seen this pop up in the comments earlier). Esp the part where she doesn't want to know what Dashie is planning. That pony has so much OCD, there's no way she'd willingly let a chance to find out about a surprise just walk by her.
tldr: thin out opening, keep it more in character, great job and keep up the good work!
You need a pre-reader. but other than that, this fic is quite good. Either way, may I volunteer my services as a pre-reader? I promise to be extra critical.
Gonna be honest, I never liked the whole "Twily" nickname even from Shining so hearing it from Rainbow is a but ehh. I always liked the standard Twi since it seemed more true to the characters, but whatever floats your boat.
I'm not really sure what more to say.It's not the best TwiDash I've ever read, but it's got potential I think to be good. I'm gonna watch it for now in anticipation.
Okie dokie lokie! Scene 1 has been successfully doctored and nursed back to health. Aside from the obvious grammar, tense, and syntax corrections, there are a couple minor details that have been changed. For example: Twilight is no longer robot, and Rainbow Dash's sculpting is now legible.
Scene 2 is in the works. I've learned my lesson the first time, so this won't be rushed!
I agree with other comments Twily does not make a good nickname when it's not coming out of her brothers mouth. Sounds weird.
I like this chapter though. It has a promising beginning and it's really cute. Liked the back story of all the relationships the ponies had and how it was hard for different types of ponies to get together. Will be watching out for the next update.
like the start! Now hurry up! Also I think Twi would work best here as others have noted, Twiley kinda turned into a sibling thing, but it is not criticism just my thoughts on it. Now you are required to update this regularly...
TwiDash is best pony
689431 I am releasing another scene as soon as it's ready to be published. If you check the other comments, you can only imagine how wretched my first draft of the first scene was. I'm not making that mistake again, as it does TwiDash no justice! Also, if I wasn't working 2 jobs and getting little time off to myself, this would've already been completed.
Thank you for liking what I have so far. All I can say to prepare you for what's coming is that the story will flow differently from how normal narration is written. I am literally writing narration of scenes in short story form, so each chapter I put up will be short and focus only on a few characters at a time. If the time or location changes, it's a new scene.
689548
Good to hear, I hope I did not come across as insulting to you at all
. I am interested in character build up in every way shape and form so I am definitely interested now.
689600 to lay this to rest - Rainbow Dash IS mad at herself for calling Twilight that. Perhaps the super-cool pony is so new to love that she's terrible at cute nicknames? Or maybe she's unoriginal and can only come up with something she heard Shining Armor call her at the wedding reception. Either way, I was surprised several commented on this because I felt Twi's confusion about the nickname and RD being mad at herself was sufficient to show it was not her proudest moment. But hey, I'm only writing the thing. Either way, it was never EVER planned to be Dash's ultimate authoritative nickname for her.
Also, I looked over your post a hundred times and didn't find anything that could be interpreted as an insult.
finally an update has arrived
6929 I'm surprised people jumped on this the moment I put it up, to be honest. I was under the impression my story would be everyone's "I'll get around to it eventually" kind of stories.
i hope you can forgive
NOW WE DEMAND MASSIVE DRAMA OVERLOAD
DEMAND!!!
693059 Well, I know what's going on for my story so I'll just keep my mouth shut. It's romance though. If it doesn't have drama, what does it have? It does have ponies. I'll give it that.
693106MMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
protein shakes energy bars and coffee do not mix if you dont want to be hyper
693121 explain! With fewer redundant letters, please.
693147massive
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eee
protein shakes energy bars and coffee do not mix if you dont want to be hyper
now im sad it wore off to fast dangit
I'll just take things one step at a time. I'll work on making Act 1 good, then worry about maaaaaaassssssiiiiivvvveeee later.
693033 Its short so its one that I instantly read, while long stories are my get to it later.
id like to see where this one goes
its off to a good start so far
this story is good and all, but the scenes seem a bit short.
very good, but is little, wwantedMORR
697034 The wait for scene 3 will be worth it, trust me. Just trying to get it started today, maybe even ready for editing by tonight. I actually have time this week to make progress, so expect something. (Disclaimer: quality cannot be rushed, so due to the necessities of editing I cannot guarantee something to be added by this week. Here's hoping, but I'd rather have a sexy new chapter than a rushed street-corner scene.)
Since none have commented on this yet, I'll ask you: though short, what are your thoughts on what I have wrought with the Dash?
Well, my dear brother, you're getting better. I really liked the ending. But you need to work on your technique. I suggest working on pacing and adding more action. I think it would really help if your characters acted and reacted more. For example, "Cloudchaser flew up to Rainbow Dash and kicked her resting spot into another formation. " Ok, so Cloud just kicked Dash's cloud. How does Dash react? Does she move, glare, gasp, etc? Cause and effect, Brother.
One more thing: "...the sly challenger goated."
I went to the zoo this weekend and saw a bunch of goats, but I don't think I ever got "goated". I think the word your looking for here is "goaded".
698228 Thanks for catching the goat!
So far I've got nothing but helpful and insightful feedback from everyone. If I wasn't so stressed out about writing this particular piece, I'd have the urge to just make FimFiction a hobby of mine!
Wow! That was Totally Awesome with a capital T and A!
I absolutely love Romance and this story fits the bill.
Keep up the AWESOME STORIES.
Keep Moving Forward
707108 you must be confusing my work with something goo- I mean, good to hear from fans! I'm working hard, trust me. I'm trying to actually have things happen in the next chapter.
This is awesome man! Great work! Looking forward to more.
I'm pretty upset FIMfiction didn't tell me this updated. Nonetheless I read it and the new chapter is actually really good so I think I'll follow this a bit more fervently now. Here's hoping for future chapters to be as good as this one, though I doubt it will be difficult.
735707 I think when you hit the fav button an small window pops up and lets you check a small box for email updates. Also, it took me a while to figure this out, but the number next to my fav symbol on my bar shows how many unread updates there are amongst my favorites. Hopefully that helps.
Also, once in a while I post a blog talking about my progress or addressing common thoughts concerning my work and etc, and emails will notify you of those too! You don't have too, but I try to make them worth reading... don't hate me...
and btw chapter 3 really, REALLY soon. Just in editing process right now, then I'll make some final tweaks and throw it on here.
YAY! More!
And some Trixie at that!
Ilikewherethisisgoing.jpg
Moar plz.
Oh yeah, I'll have to add that character tag won't I? Oh well.