Twilight is there for for Spike and always will be, right?
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- Member Since 24th Dec, 2014
- offline last seen Feb 3rd, 2023
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Wall of text!
6031973
What do you mean?
6032033 Our friend means, the text has no spaces. I recommend that your read a few other fics and take notes on how they are built up.
The biggest thing is; no space between conversation lines.
"I'm not sure..." AppleJack replied. They say there for hours, talking about old adventures and the good times they had with their friends.
"Is there something wrong?" Spike asked AppleJack.
"Well, it *COUGH COUGH looks like my expiration date has come a little early." AppleJack replied.
"WHAT!?! N-NO DON'T GO!!!" Spike screamed.
"It's too late, this is it for me..." AppleJack replied with a weak voice.
" SOMEPONY!!! ANYPONY!!! HELP ME!!!!!!!! Spike cried and screamed at the top of his lungs.
" Spike I've got something to tell you..."
"What?" Spike sobbed.
^This, this is a 'wall' of text.^ ( The whole story is like this.)
"I'm not sure..." AppleJack replied. They say there for hours, talking about old adventures and the good times they had with their friends.
"Is there something wrong?" Spike asked AppleJack.
"Well, it *COUGH COUGH looks like my expiration date has come a little early." AppleJack replied.
"WHAT!?! N-NO DON'T GO!!!" Spike screamed.
"It's too late, this is it for me..." AppleJack replied with a weak voice.
" SOMEPONY!!! ANYPONY!!! HELP ME!!!!!!!! Spike cried and screamed at the top of his lungs.
" Spike I've got something to tell you..."
"What?" Spike sobbed.
^I've now simply put space between the sentences, giving it more overview and it reads better.^
Again, read some story's, take notes on how they are built, and try to apply them. You can also check out the writers guide.
Sincerely,
Lazydrill.
6032330 Sorry, but it's stories, not story's. Stories are the correct form of plural here, story's, well, story is singular, and the 's is there to mark it as a singular.
Anyways, have a nice morning/day/evening/night ^_^
I'm sorry you got so many dislikes on your first fic. This is a good one-shot story and you're dialogue flows pretty well together.
I've noticed that parts of this feel more like a play script than a fanfic. For example: ENTER: SPIKE
that's a stage direction. For a fic, you don't need those because you already describe what's going on. If you want to show a change from time or place than the best thing to do is put a horizontal line
in between the two paragraphs.
Also, when only two characters are talking, you don't need to keep saying he said, she replied. As long as you indent the next speaker's line (which you did) than everyone will know who's saying what.
Finally, go easy on the capitalization. It can feel overwhelming for readers to see so many words in uppercase. I understand, caps are used to show strong emotion but since these emotions are so powerful, caps should be rarely used. Instead, show how the character feels through imagery. Explain how Spike's throat became sore for yelling so much or his eyes fogged up with tears. Show don't Tell.
Well, I hope that helped. If you have any other questions, feel free to ask and Good Luck in your future writing.
P.S. this is not meant to be insulting, it's only meant to help you improve as a writer.
6032033
No editing, little spacing and white space for legibility. No thought given to reading concerns. It's a wall of text, and it's inks the reasons you got downvoted.
6032330
Exactly.
6032033 I'll answer your question with another question. Does your keyboard have an enter button, or do you not use it? That is what they meant. Break up the lines of text by pressing enter to start a new line
6032408 Thank you for the correction! I'm still trying to learn proper grammar in English myself, as you can see, I've still some errors. :3
th05.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/f/2015/029/c/a/marked_cmc_x_spike_by_hillbe-d8fxzwg.jpg
Space I need space
This may have actually been a good story.
Sadly, there are so many issues, that annoy me to the point where I couldn't enjoy this if I tried.
First, the names aren't typed correctly. Applejack and Fluttershy, and Rarity are all one word, and Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Twilight Sparkle are two words. Notice that Applejack and Fluttershy have one, count 'em, one capital letter.
Second, formatting. First, as so many other people have said, the whole thing looks like a giant wall of text. In other words, it is very helpful and recommended (if not required) to have a line between every paragraph, at the very least. If you put in tabs, that's even better! Just make sure that you put in double spaces. Also, when Spike is at the funeral, he says a lot of things. I am guessing that you were trying to maintain that Spike was saying everything. However, his speech will flow better if you put new paragraphs where he changes topic, or when he pauses and addresses the other ponies there.
Also, the usage of lines is inconsistent and confusing. For instance,
is confusing. Yes, he cried all the way to the castle. Yes, he did have the time of his life. How are these things related?
Different subjects, scenes, or times should be in different paragraphs. Otherwise, it's confusing to read. Also, big changes, like the transition between him going back to the castle and Applejack's funeral, should be separated by a horizontal break, like so:
Third, sentence structure. Some sentences, like
are very long. Of course, you wanted to group them all together. However, if you break them into sentences, and organize them well, then they will actually flow better than if you put them in one giant sentence.
Fourth, the use of capital letters. Of course, Spike is going through an emotionally charged time. But still, using all caps is not a good way to express this feeling. It's better to use descriptive language, which can convey the emotion just as well, also gives us more of an idea of what's going on, and frankly, doesn't look horrible.
Finally, the pacing. Some scenes are a lot longer than others, and they all seem to be too short for the time they contain. Using descriptive language as a buffer can help with this. Also, most of the writing seems to be dialogue between two characters, with little description of their actions, and almost none of scenes with only one character. (After all, it is a story, and not many stories only have one character.)
This isn't to say that the story isn't good. In fact, I liked the story, and I thought that your characterization was pretty good and didn't go far out of character - a common mistake for new writers. Keep working on your writing, and be conscienttious of it - reading your story to yourself will help you find mistakes and fix them. I hope you keep writing!
P.S. If you feel like you are hopeless in writing, try to find someone to edit your story. They will help you with your story, and make sure it is good in every sense of the way before you post it online.
6032877
Okay, I'll try to do my best and edit the WHOLE thing, however, I'm limited (my computer doesn't let me submit stories on here so I had to use my phone, infact I wrote this whole story on my phone), so at least give me a break.
6032555
I had to write this on my phone, and yes it does, I'm just new to writing on FIMFiction, so I understand
6032418
It's not my first, and I'll try to work on my story.
6033196
Sorry if my last comment was too harsh. I didn't mean that you were a bad writer. I just meant that there are things that could be fixed.
6033351
I didn't think you were harsh, I just couldn't think of a way to say I'm limiting.
you need a editor like yesterday
Uh the fuck was this?
6387412
A poorly written story I plan to redo.
6390000 OH THANK GOD
6390000 try reading the rage review of your story it can help
6390073
Okay, thanks!
I'll try to have a better version of this story as soon as possible.
6391600 ya np
6391600 and here's the link Good Luck!
Intriguing...? WHY is Spike able to outlive all of his friends, including an ALICORN? WHAT the heck is the Grand Halloping Gala? WASN'T it convenient for the story when Applejack dropped dead when she did? WASN'T Applejack's funeral arranged awfully quickly? (The NEXT DAY? I suspect foul play) WHY did you write this S***. WHY OH WHY OH WHY...
6396564
1) In case you haven't read the last few comments, I already stated that I'm not at all proud of this story and think it's crap. I'm gonna redo it with a new approach in the near future.
2) I wrote it because I wanted to make a rather serious story with out making it too long
3) That was a typo, it's the "Grand Galloping Gala"
4) Apple Jack died because coincidences
5) Spike outlived Twilight because SHE'S NOT IMMORTAL, just because she's an alicorn, it doesn't make her immortal because she's an artificial alicorn like Cadance, she wasn't born an alicorn like Celestia and Luna.
Damn, you guys are getting annoying...