Creature of the Everfree

CREATURE OF THE EVERFREE!
MONSTER OF DEATH!

She hears these insults all the time, and can't take it any longer. Her abusive parents and classmates at school have punished her for how she looks and for her special abilities enough. It was time to run. The other ponies would kill her otherwise.

(Now with a reading! Chapter 1, Chapter 2, and Chapter 3!)

Chapters (3)

Running · 24th May 2015 · 313 words
313
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Fighting · 24th May 2015 · 650 words
650
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Surviving · 25th May 2015 · 648 words
648
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Comments ( 7 )

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Yuudai5life

Yuudai5life #1 · May 26th, 2015 · · · Running ·

This seems like a very interesting story. You did a very good job at describing the scenery, how the society felt about this monster, and you did an exellent job at choosing your words. Your choices of describing, things like "PET OF NIGHTMARES!" and "The very sad thing, was that the Everfree Forest, the place of truly terrible monsters and the place where many ponies never came back out alive, was safer than her own home for the filly." really made the story have its own atmosphere.
I do question why the others would hate her, as she was apparently the key to much good.

Yuudai5life

Yuudai5life #2 · May 26th, 2015 · · · Fighting ·

Once again you do an exellent job at creating atmosphere. There are a few errors here and there though.

Her galloping began to slow to a canter, than (should be then) down to a trot.

She knew this from an "incedent" (should be incident) at school.

There are also a few parts of this story that are written a bit strangely, and while some of these areas aren't really wrong, they do sound a bit strange. Example:
She was shocked, excited, scared, so many different emotions raging inside her.

I would have taken out the 'She was' and made it: Shocked, excited, scared-! So many different emotions raging inside of her!

For anything you write in the future, I would attempt at spreading things out. While there is only once character making dialogue, you can spread it out. After some actions, you can seperate the dialogue and still make it easy to read, thus spreading out the story and making it look less condensed and more easy on the eyes.

This is what I like about your writing. With merely a few small edits, you could really make your story pop. I suggest finding a beta reader.

Yuudai5life

Yuudai5life #3 · May 26th, 2015 · · · Surviving ·

There are a few errors here and there, plus the first paragraph could have been spaced a little, but that this was all. It was wonderful.

After reading how this ended, I've got a strange satisfaction. While nothing happened in this chapter besides collecting food, eating a bit, and chatting with a very interesting parasprite, something important did happen.

Everfree got her name.

While I forgot to mention it in my other comments, I won't forget to mention it in this one. You did an amazing job at ending every chapter. The ending lines were so incredibly powerful and moving that I couldn't help but anticipate for what was going to happen next.

Though this story was short and has a few bugs (Did you see what I did there?), it was a very well written story about somepony who was dejected, yet managed to find peace with themself.

PhoelynFabulous

PhoelynFabulous #4 · May 26th, 2015 · · · Surviving ·

6019741 Thanks for all the comments! This was a bit of a test story, to see what I could do and how others would like it, which is why its chapters are a little bit short, but I appreciate that you like it! I'm writing another story called Lost Twins, which I am trying very hard to write so that the story is even better than this one!