Hi, I'm PhoelynFabulous (How about you?... Get it?... Nvm) and I am a crazy little brony (pegasister) writer who thinks that she can write a lot more she actually can.
Hello there. My... name is Fluttershy, and I am a yellow pegasus and the Element of Kindness. Though, the Elements are on the tree and we're using some sort of rainbow friendship power... Nevermind. I have been helping a severely injured... pony. I... I'll say pony for now, but she was once a terrible enemy, but... she wasn't, at the same time.
But I fear I cannot help her forever. I think my new friend will die.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Yes Twilight! she was forcing down everyone to feed from them! Why didn't you just let yourself get mind controlled, forced into a cocoon, and eaten from. It'll be fiiine!
Seriously her argument holds as much water as the holes in Chrysalis legs.
6108528 Did you read the story? They tried to be peaceful. And Fluttershy states it that doesn't hurt!
6108534 Yes, one town turned them away because they were "scary, and probably loyal as dirt"
So that justifies throwing someone to the caves for weeks on end to starve and suffer, screwing her future husbands brain up and draining him, invading a kingdom, and overall causing panic and hell all over.
6108651 Fine. You don't like the story. I don't like 'hate comments'. What's the point of putting them there other than to make the creator upset?
Another point is that she said that others did worse. Nightmare Moon would've killed everypony if she had eternal night, so 'nopony' would be able to grow crops and eat, letting the worlds starve. "Throwing someone to the caves for weeks on end to starve and suffer," It's the same! Did she get a punishment? No, she was turned back to normal! "What about the changelings? WE KILLED THEM ALL!"
Hate comments? I was pointing out that fluttershy's argument and the story justification is rather weak for what it's premise is trying to say, while at the same time having no real argument set forth by the other characters in the story while they just are there to act shocked at this sudden "revelation" is revealed to them while being berated for something they could not either know about, or in reality the fact of the matter was they were defending themselves from a hostile invader they had no knowledge of.
Secondly, Luna was possessed by an outside being that fed on her hatred, and thirdly the Mane Six didn't even cause the attack that did it, that would be the Love Beam given by Cadence and Shining Armor and all they didn't even know they were doing it, and that at the end they were just repelling an invading army that they had no clue of that just suddenly attacked.
6108707 I'm done replying. I also think something you think is canon is headcanon. "Luna was possessed by an outside being that fed on her hatred"... Um, she got jealous. Where are you getting THAT from?
6108744 The IDW comics.
6108756
They're not canon. The show has contradicted them multiple times. (Twilight's mom didn't write Daring Do, and Discord is not treated like a fellow crusader.)
Okie dokie, random helpful advice time. Yay!
First off, you should look up dialogue tags and action tages. I never learned them in school, but now, if I don't see the right grammer for them in fics, everything looks wrong. (The first sentence in the story should've ended with a comma.)
Next, some of your prose felt a bit stiff. Try to read and write your story as if it were poetry that your tongue would never get caught on and that would never feel too repetitive. You can write each sentence on a new line and center everything if it helps, and you can do that with clauses separated by commas and other punctuation as well.
And you don't need to describe what Chrysalis looks like. Since this is MLP fanfiction on FIMfiction.net, everyone already knows what she looks like. It would be like describing what a laptop looked like, from the perspective of someone who already knew what a laptop looked like, to an audience that already knew what a laptop looked like. It's repetitive. However, if you wanted to show how Fluttershy admiring Chrysalis' beauty, then describing would work fine, as long as a good amount of the description was composed of Fluttershy's feelings.
Lastly, you should probably wait a few days before re-reading and editing your fic, or you should get a prereader, because sometimes your mind fills in things your writing didn't. The reason I say this is because it felt like Twilight and everyone went from shock to sadness way too quickly, which ruined the impact of the ending. Those 'mind filling in gaps' errors are the hardest ones to fix, but luckily that's what the editing groups are for. But be warned: if you request editors through forums like Looking for Editors, then you'll need to learn how to distinguish good criticism from bad, and how to handle both.
And speaking of bad criticism...
6108707
How logically sound an argument is doesn't always decide how people are going to react. If it did, kids wouldn't fall asleep when they listened to monotone teachers, and advertising wouldn't work as well as it does.
6109807
Getting right up in people's faces and insulting them gives me a certain thrill.
besides, while both your points had some merit, they weren't things that PhoelynFabulous could use to significantly improve their stories. Your criticism would be fine for a writer that gets tens or hundreds of such comments and could figure out what was causing said criticism, but it could actually hurt a newer writer who took it literally.
6108528 I'm not sure where "mind-controlled" and "forced in a cocoon" came from. Yes, Celestia was trapped in a cocoon, but immobilization was the only obvious goal there and no evidence is provided that they feed off the ponies as so. Shining's mind was controlled, but that was only for infiltration reasons. Also, they don't eat the ponies. While I'm not sure what effects getting your love consumed may have (once again, no evidence considering the changelings' appearence was a one time thing), love is a feeling and would definitely have no connection to getting physically eaten. (Also, congrats for scarring me with a new mental image of ponies getting eaten by changelings.)
6109881 By eaten from I was meaning love, not their physical form (Show aint that grimdark!). Though considering how Shining was it was hard to tell whether it was the mind control or love draining that was harming him.
6109895 Yes, I admit I was making fun of your wording.
And about Shining Armor, I'm not sure myself. Unless the producers decide that a full description about the changelings is on the to-do list, we can only rely on headcanon for these matters.
6109737 Thanks for the info stuff!
Good story! I liked it a lot. :)