Creature of the Everfree

by PhoelynFabulous

Fighting

Thunder boomed above. A flash of lightning went across the sky, trying to be scarier than the monsters in the Everfree. The filly knew it was failing. It had started to rain about an hour ago, and she was getting soaked. Her galloping began to slow to a canter, then down to a trot. She was deep enough in the forest for nopony to follow her. Eventually, her pushing back her feelings began to fail, and she almost passed out due to lack of sleep and running for what seemed like hours. She sat down, and breathed deeply, think about what she had done. She was free! She had run away from her mother and father, and the school full of bullies and no friends! She was shocked, excited, scared, so many different emotions raging inside her. Instead of trying to think about it, she tried to sleep. Her sleep attempt was interrupted by a loud roar and a terrible smell.
She was instantly alert and ready to defend herself. "Show yourself! I have more power than you may think, stupid predator!" she called out into the forest. Another roar, followed by a growl. Two. Coming closer. She let out a roar of her own, a sound a pony shouldn't be able to make. Another reason to be called a monster by her classmates and parents. The predators were silent for a while, possibly wondering if they should continue the attack. She wouldn't let her guard down, though. She waited for them to come. She knew they would. Suddenly, three wolf-like creatures jumped out of the bushes roaring, their breath smelling worse up close. One of the strange wooden wolves bit down on the filly's leg, and she yelped in pain, only for the bulb on her tail to light up green, filling the wolf with the light. The wolf exploded from the spell she cast, splinters and twigs flying everywhere. Her magic then created a shield for her, and a very highly dangerous one to touch. She knew this from an "incident" at school. "Don't be stupid! Run away, puppy dogs!" she taunted. The wooden wolves circled the shield. She knew they would leap at her, and she knew what would happen because of it. She smiled, calling "Don't be afraid, puppies! You will never learn if you don't attack, but you might be safer if you don't!" The wolves were circling slower, wondering whether they should turn back again. She knew, because she had mind-reading and telepathy powers. She didn't use it often though, for her mother and teacher told her not to. Leap at me. Attack. She said into their minds, scaring them slightly, but they seemed to follow the false command. They leapt at her and the forcefield, and disintegrated with contact. The filly giggled, and lowered the shield.
"Stupid dogs."
She stepped forward, and was met with terrible pain. She yelped again, and looked down at her left back leg. She had totally forgotten about the bite from the wooden wolf, so much that she couldn't feel it during the rest of the battle. "Crap... I need to wash it and bandage it..." she said to herself. Since it was still raining, the "cleaning it out" part would be easy. She was even near a small lake. She took a long, wet leaf from a tree and wrapped it around her leg. She didn't really need to clean it out, since she was immune to infections or diseases of any kind, but it helped her feel better to clean it.

She can be the cure for life if you give her to us.
YES! I never wanted that stupid foal anyway!

She shivered, and it wasn't from the cold rain.

Comments

[Yuudai5life]

Once again you do an exellent job at creating atmosphere. There are a few errors here and there though.

Her galloping began to slow to a canter, than (should be then) down to a trot.

She knew this from an "incedent" (should be incident) at school.

There are also a few parts of this story that are written a bit strangely, and while some of these areas aren't really wrong, they do sound a bit strange. Example:
She was shocked, excited, scared, so many different emotions raging inside her.

I would have taken out the 'She was' and made it: Shocked, excited, scared-! So many different emotions raging inside of her!

For anything you write in the future, I would attempt at spreading things out. While there is only once character making dialogue, you can spread it out. After some actions, you can seperate the dialogue and still make it easy to read, thus spreading out the story and making it look less condensed and more easy on the eyes.

This is what I like about your writing. With merely a few small edits, you could really make your story pop. I suggest finding a beta reader.