On a lonely night, Luna meets a strange creature that calls itself a "human", then she follows him without knowing what kind of surprises the destiny had in store for her.
6355868 well The Nazi party already existed by that time, and the way those two talked showed to much Aryane pride which was a bit suspicious since germans couldnt show much pride since the treaty of versalles that was really humillating. Besides asking for weapons is not something that nornal germans of that time would do but a pruvate party would. So this is another question we will hear from the moustacho man?
I notice you do this with your dialogues. Your dialogue and It's 'descriptor' should be on the same line, otherwise the story loses it's flow. What it should look like is this:
"Well this isn't so bad." She told herself calmly(or other adverb)
More examples within your story:
"Good to know that, but where are my manners? Jack Remington."
He said extending a hand; the old man took it giving it a firm shake.
"Good to know that, but where are my manners? Jack Remington." He said, extending a hand; the old man took it, giving it a firm shake.
"Luna, I'm home."
Jack said as he closed the door.
"Luna, I'm home." Jack said as he closed the door.
Once everything was left in place, she took the pie and went to the library where she began to search through the books any material that could serve as a reference.
"search through the books for any material that could serve as a reference."
"And with the change of gears plus the new module the machine will run 20% faster."
...I see what you did there.
"She's a grown... mare?... girl? You must trust that she can take care of herself, after all, her world sounds very similar to this. I do not think there is a problem for having left her home alone, right?
Missing a closing " here.
"Jack, mein freund!"
"Jack, mein Freund!" You could add "Wie geht es dir?" or "Wie geht es Ihnen?", depending on how formal you want him to address Jack.
"It seems that certain company is about to close a big deal with Remington Industries, It could be a good idea that you go to speak with them to convince them that the deal with Remington is not as good as they think, what do you think?"
*it
Ah, but that's where you're wrong my dear Aryan friend.
Ah, but that's where you're wrong, my dear Aryan friend. What does Aryan mean or stand for?
Fräulein Zehirli
Uhm... what does the name stand for, if I may ask?
Said in annoyed tone a gray-haired man who walked the through the streets of the city,
He bent a little to ease the pain in her his back,
She turned her back to him, sat on the ground and crossed her arms.
...arms?
After all, an exciting chapter again. Who is this Herr Krause? What will that Doctor character do? A lot of open questions and an interesting plot. What is left to do is to correct some errors here and there, and we have an almost perfect story (nopony is perfect, but it isn't bad to strive for perfection. Just don't overdo it).
EDIT: Wait, did they already have refrigerators in the 30s?
6576645 Hi, first, sorry for this delayed answer, life decided to give me some action, that's why I've been away from this, also, thanks a lot for those advices, I will correct the chapter.
Now, regarding to your doubts (feeling a little like Purple Smart):
Answer 1: If my history classes were correct, Aryan is a term used by the Nazi party in reference to their "superior" race, also, is term that can be used by any social group with those kind of radical ideals.
Answer 2: Zehirli is a turkish word meaning toxic, poisonous or venomous, I needed a name for the character and I was looking for something that could give her some personality, I can say that she fits perfectly with it.
Answer 3: About the refrigetators on the 30's, yes, they already have them, of course not as modern as the ones we own today. They called them ice boxes and were viewed as a luxury item, only the "rich" families could acces to them.
6676295 I know it's been a long long time since the last chapter, but you don't have to worry, in fact I'm still working in this story, in fact I have the next full chapter written by now, I'm just editing some parts here and there, also, I took a little time to write that other short story and part of the next chapter of my Bioshock Infinite crossover.
I promise that you will have the next update in this week.
Welp the Doctor shows up...we have confirmed Nazi sightings, and Luna ate flowers.
Let's do this shit.
The timeline is before the WW 2 ?
6349637 Thanks and yes, this one took a long amount of time, I hope that the next chapter don't take that long to be ready .
6349707 You can say that yes, is the Doctor but not "The Doctor" .
6353274 Let's say that the story is set between 1931-1932 (WW 2 began on 1939).
6354169 Glad you like it, hope that you stay till the end .
6355868 well The Nazi party already existed by that time, and the way those two talked showed to much Aryane pride which was a bit suspicious since germans couldnt show much pride since the treaty of versalles that was really humillating. Besides asking for weapons is not something that nornal germans of that time would do but a pruvate party would.
So this is another question we will hear from the moustacho man?
I LOVE THIS STORY please tell me you are going to write more because this story is AMAZING, I LOVE IT
Can't wait for the next chapter and the chapter after that and so on...
MY rating of this story 10 out of 10
Hope that you are still writing this story
Gg.
A little tip though;
I notice you do this with your dialogues. Your dialogue and It's 'descriptor' should be on the same line, otherwise the story loses it's flow. What it should look like is this:
More examples within your story:
"Good to know that, but where are my manners? Jack Remington." He said, extending a hand; the old man took it, giving it a firm shake.
"Luna, I'm home." Jack said as he closed the door.
6490497 Thanks a lot for the advice, I will correct that im the future chapters .
NOW I know you must be busy BUT could you please continue and finish writing this well written story
"search through the books for any material that could serve as a reference."
...I see what you did there.
Missing a closing " here.
"Jack, mein Freund!" You could add "Wie geht es dir?" or "Wie geht es Ihnen?", depending on how formal you want him to address Jack.
*it
Ah, but that's where you're wrong, my dear Aryan friend.
What does Aryan mean or stand for?
Uhm... what does the name stand for, if I may ask?
...arms?
After all, an exciting chapter again. Who is this Herr Krause? What will that Doctor character do? A lot of open questions and an interesting plot. What is left to do is to correct some errors here and there, and we have an almost perfect story (nopony is perfect, but it isn't bad to strive for perfection. Just don't overdo it).
EDIT: Wait, did they already have refrigerators in the 30s?
Are you still writing this story?
6576645 Hi, first, sorry for this delayed answer, life decided to give me some action, that's why I've been away from this, also, thanks a lot for those advices, I will correct the chapter.
Now, regarding to your doubts (feeling a little like Purple Smart):
Answer 1: If my history classes were correct, Aryan is a term used by the Nazi party in reference to their "superior" race, also, is term that can be used by any social group with those kind of radical ideals.
Answer 2: Zehirli is a turkish word meaning toxic, poisonous or venomous, I needed a name for the character and I was looking for something that could give her some personality, I can say that she fits perfectly with it.
Answer 3: About the refrigetators on the 30's, yes, they already have them, of course not as modern as the ones we own today. They called them ice boxes and were viewed as a luxury item, only the "rich" families could acces to them.
6676295 I know it's been a long long time since the last chapter, but you don't have to worry, in fact I'm still working in this story, in fact I have the next full chapter written by now, I'm just editing some parts here and there, also, I took a little time to write that other short story and part of the next chapter of my Bioshock Infinite crossover.
I promise that you will have the next update in this week.
6681662 ah, thanks