We're already on the train heading to Appleloosa. Silence everywhere. It seems that I was the only one who heard what the tree said when we left, because I paused for a second.
"So, umm, Scootaloo?" Fluttershy ends the silence.
"Aww, now what do you want?" I ask. I was being a bit annoyed by this mare.
"N-never mind." She wanted to tell her, but she didn't have enough courage.
"Fluttershy?"
"Yes, honey?"
"I'm sorry for being harsh, I'm going through a lot."
"That's alright, sweetie. Everypony has those days."
We finally arrive at Appleloosa, after thirty minutes. I see Rumble sleeping beside me and I shake him. He wakes up, groaning and saying,
"Are we there yet?"
"Yes, we are," answers Twilight.
"Anyways," I say, "how are we supposed to track down this scary monster?"
"Got that covered," answers Twilight once more.
Twilight's horn glows a bright hot pink, with a hot pink arrow appearing in front of us all, pointing us to where we're supposed to go.
"Sweet!" yells Silver.
We follow it, suddenly appearing in front of a cave full of gems.
"It's gettin' late," says Applejack. "We should find a place to sleep."
So we all find rocks for pillows, but we had to sleep with no blanket.
"Goodnight everypony," says Twilight, as the others-including me- reply with a Goodnight.
Scootaloo.....would call a voice. Come here....
I follow the sound and find myself at a cave in the dark forest.
Come here, Scootaloo..
I enter the cave, seeing Fluttershy, but not The Fluttershy. She was covered in blood, dark red eyes, and suddenly looked like a bat. Pinkie Pie was talking to me on the train about when Fluttershy became a bat and she thought they ate ponies-which she said was true.
Come closer..
I'm terribly scared, but I do what she says. I know it's wrong, but I feel something, pushing me to her.
I am coming......to eat you! The bat flew right by me, as a light blue beam appeared out of nowhere and zapped the bat. I looked up and saw an unordinary pony.
"Huh?" I ask, unaware of what species she is. "A pony with wings and a horn?!"
"Infact, yes," she says to me. "I am an alicorn, Princess of The Night. Thy may call me Princess Luna."
"Cool, and thanks for saving me!"
"Thy is welcome, child. Now, why was thou having nightmares about sweet Fluttershy?"
"I have a feeling about her I can't explain, some sort of connection."
"And what does thou think this connection is?"
"A connection of family, love, and hope. But, Fluttershy isn't part of my family. Nopony is."
"All with be revealed in the future, dear child. Now I must go."
"Wait, Princess Luna!" I exclaim, waking the others.
"What the..?" asks Rumble.
"Oops."
"We should probably get to that cave again," says Twilight. "C'mon, everypony!"
I think in my head, This is a fun adventure! What could possible go wrong?
Before anything, THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID (in reference to the chapter title).
Ahem.
Lesson 2.
Here, you have a simple thing. Luna pops up in Scoot's dream, and then she leaves here.
On paper, there's nothing wrong with plot. But you do have to work on your prose.
Prose is how you write stuff. There's purple, being overbearing, and then there's none, and yours is on the line of none.
Example of purple:
Basically, purple is overbearing. I know, I could have been much worse, but it was hard for me to figure what purple sounded like anymore; it's all about practice. And to some, maybe this kind of description sounds perfect. You gotta find a balance, I suppose. (The more I read it, the more I like it LOL)
Example of non-purple:
To some, mine might be lacking, but hey, find your own 'style'. Your own prose. As of right now, it sounds like you're starting to write fanfics, and will take some time. Don't worry about people's negativity at the moment; treat it like a lesson. I mean, if you did something wrong, admit it and learn what NOT to do in the future, right?
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6031126 xD
6031166 I'm still deciding on that, But it will be an..