Scootaloo has been an orphan ever since she was born. After being born, she was left all alone. She felt abandoned, sad. But when she finally turned thirteen, some things changed. A pony with yellow fur and a pink mane and tail acts strange around her, and Scoots is confused. But everywhere she'll go, there will be sun, happiness, and a little sadness.
Until one day, six ponies visit her and ask for her and her friends' help. Can she help them? Will her life go in grave danger? If so, who's gonna save her?
Alternate Universe 'cuz Spike doesn't exist in this story. Also 'cuz Twilight never became an alicorn.
I also know there's a lot of grammar errors, just gimme 'em and I'll fix 'em.
You'll find out why this story is rated Teen.
Chapters (10)
Mmmmmmmmmm.................. idk. For chapter 2, keep in mind that these foals are all still... very, VERY young. You might want to change that juuuust slightly, or increase their age.
Also, the whole thing seems like bits and pieces of a comic strip rather than a story. I like how it's in first person and present tense, and makes it feel like I'm bestponyever, but everything goes by so fast. I barely remembered what happened in the first 700 words, and I just read 2 chapters.
I'd say put a little more effort into description. Surroundings, descriptions, actions, feelings. Stuff life that. This will help with the 'pacing' issue (too fast). Roughly, the ratio between {time passed in real life} and {100 - 200 words} should be around some number. That's pacing for you.
Other then that, you got grammar and sentence structuring down. Add a little more, and it should be even better :)
Good luck on the story. +1 from me.
5986591 Thanks, I'm not good at stories, that's why. But I'll update a little..
Before anything, THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID (in reference to the chapter title).
Ahem.
Lesson 2.
Here, you have a simple thing. Luna pops up in Scoot's dream, and then she leaves here.
On paper, there's nothing wrong with plot. But you do have to work on your prose.
Prose is how you write stuff. There's purple, being overbearing, and then there's none, and yours is on the line of none.
Example of purple:
Basically, purple is overbearing. I know, I could have been much worse, but it was hard for me to figure what purple sounded like anymore; it's all about practice. And to some, maybe this kind of description sounds perfect. You gotta find a balance, I suppose. (The more I read it, the more I like it LOL)
Example of non-purple:
To some, mine might be lacking, but hey, find your own 'style'. Your own prose. As of right now, it sounds like you're starting to write fanfics, and will take some time. Don't worry about people's negativity at the moment; treat it like a lesson. I mean, if you did something wrong, admit it and learn what NOT to do in the future, right?
6018328
One poor rumble
What the heck diamond your to young for that and I hope( not really)something truely alful happens to you sorry it felt necessary and I needed to blow off some steam.
Two
One how old was flutters when she had scoots
Two who's the father
6031126 xD
6031166 I'm still deciding on that, But it will be an..
Thanks for all the support to all the people who have read this! Thanks to your comments, ideas, and more, after the story's finished, I'll be doing a sequel!
...........................................huh
6069194 Wat?
i like it and Effy Mani please make a sequel for this story
6072209 Thanks to all your support, I'm working on it. :)
6076257 your welcome and ok
its half diamond's fault and half pony cupids fault. sorry he escaped again.
and if they think her body is in the river shredded,
that's not hers.
hers will be in a volcano.
+i can get away with it because ill only have bounty in that dimension!
now im off to teleport into this dimension and kill diamond.
6097147 Okay...?
the pacing is very off and too fast sorry but thumbs down
I may take a look at this earlier, it looks interesting. I just wanted to say that you might wanna change the term "prequel", since it might confuse some. A prequel is a work that takes place before an original piece, but was produced after the original was completed. Like the Star Wars movies 1-3. Other than that, the sequel sounds very interesting. Success to you
6123872 Thanks, I'll keep that in mind.
My reaction to the end.
"WAHHHHHHHHH! AH! AH! UNG! UNG! WAAAAAAQAAAAAA!" *me throwing nearly all my belongings at the Door and stomping*
are not the last lines on the song.
It's "They've crossed the line. It's time that we attack."