Retired writer and graphic artist.
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She comes to me at night, sometimes, just when I think I may have fallen asleep. I've never known why or how, but in time, I stopped questioning her for the things we share. Call it an unspoken understanding that we have. A symbiosis. A silent accord, there in the dark, and I didn't press for any more. On one such lonely night, however, I get a little bit bolder.
Preread by DragonShadow
Now with a reading on YouTube by the illustrious Illya Leonov.
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Well, sometimes it's better not to know... And damn, way to make a comeback, man. You've channeled, like, a few masters of pony and non-pony horror in here and made one of my favourite Chrysalis stories...
Should have kept the light off.
I'm reminded of those old ghost stories, where humoring a spirit is the only way to stay out of harms way.
Interesting.
This reminded me of Mapleshade from the Warrior Cat books. She was a phantom that would always visit Crookedjaw in his dreams.
Although it was for vengeance, not "Bad Romance," the concept was very similar to me. And I love it!
5988570
Ignorance really can be bliss, at times. And damn, wow, thanks a ton, man. I probably drew inspiration from reading old books of short story anthologies back when I was younger, now that I think about it. It's good to be writing more again.
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5988972
Thanks. This was actually inspired by a specific type of demonic figure that changelings bear some resemblance to: the succubus.
5988590
If only the narrator been content with what they had.
In the dark, all cats are grey.
Intriguing...
Listening to Hozier's Take Me To Church packed a bigger punch to me. Even without the music it's amazing by itself, congrats.
5989246 The Mara perhaps?
Damn. Liked and faved.
5990302 I've heard of the "Mara" "Moira" or whatever it's called.
In any case I think this is interesting yet... There is something missing. It's nice and all and here's a like... but favorite? I don't get it. I mean I get shit happens in the story but... I'm left hanging like a damn thriller with the bad ending and the cliffhanger.
I am sorry but you don't win the favorite because the way you ended your fic is kind of offputing..
5992195 Nightmare, Night Mare/Mara. There's where the word comes from. A demon who sits on the chest of sleeping folk, giving bad dreams and leaving them exhausted.
Pretty much like the one the author spoke about
5992195
5992253
I was actually completely unaware of the Mara, though that might've been clever. It was just the old, classic succubus.
Well, that's pretty much the point. It's meant to be unsettling and leave you wondering. The lack of a real ending goes with the overall vagueness of the story. What happens to the narrator? I'll leave that up to your imagination. Sorry if you wanted something more concrete, but that's the style of this one.
5992586 The thing is that's not exactly a story. It's more like a fairy tale that goes around from superstitious people. I makes me think of the shitty fanfics people write on facebook.
Dude no offense you probably wrote a masterpiece compared to them but most of the times I've learned that a story needs to have a start, a middle, and end. It was one of the basic rules ancient Greeks wrote their plays... And as a Greek guy I opt to do the same.
5995950
Well, it sorta is a fairy tale, in some ways. It was inspired by folklore surrounding succubi, as well as older horror stories in general. There's a ton of stuff that's merely implied throughout the story, including the narrator's ultimate fate. The simplest conclusion to draw from the sudden lack of narration is that they suddenly die or are otherwise rendered unable to continue narrating, with this conclusion further implied by the story being written in present tense, as though they are narrating each moment as it happens. The specifics of what happen to cause this are left up to the reader's mind, in line with Nothing is Scarier. Whether or not this is the case is up to reader discretion, as are many other specific details within the story (and whether or not the story is effective). It's just plain vague and/or subtle, through and through.
I don't think I've seen any of those, so I have no idea if this is similar in style.
A most traditional structure, indeed. I am not the most traditional writer.
5996698 To be honest the "lover in the dark" thing is something that happened with Eros and Psyche. Eros always kept himself hidden throughout their meetings so as not to know he was a god. If you kinda flip the atmosphere and make it evil like there are many similarities with this. Hmmm...
To be honest since I can very well choose my own ending here I could just flip the coin you gave me to my favor. *shrug*
They are short, they have the sole intent of being spooky, and you should really avoid them they're just crap. It's just that the how short this was didn't quite compliment your intent very well.
... I can't say something to that without appearing like a jackass. Let me just say that the word count doesn't do you any good. Not enough room to actually say much that would have a good effect.
5988590 Shoulda, woulda, coulda. I'd still love her anyways.
5996745
Hmm. I am unfamiliar with that tale. Interesting, though.
The intent was a creepy, semi-ambiguous story about Queen Chrysalis as a phantom-esque lover in the night, from the perspective of her victim who has come to love her, only to realize with horror that they've been playing prey to a monster.
I'll be more clear on my less-than-traditional stance. Lack of innovation leads to stagnation. I like new ideas, new styles. I like to experiment. Perhaps this one fell short.
Do you have any specific suggestions regarding what additional things might be added to this without meandering further than it does? I mean, it already takes over 600 words for Chryssi to walk across a small room. The pace is very slow, as it is.
5997219
Well without you actually saying that it's inspired by the succubus anyone could replace your Chrysalis with their headcanon. I just think that the versatility and the kind of exploration the fans have gone into with the changelings kinda hurts you. If this was done near their release then it would have more effect I think.
So leaving the story vague kinda hurt you and helped you. What perhaps you should have done is take a peek at how Tolkien made magic so alluring, mysterious, and scary.
You won't regret watching this. Anyway for what it's worth you did a good try. Maybe the fic could have been bigger, describing how the victim eagerly awaits her every night. How it escalates until he can't be with his wife or he forgets his crush. Dunno. Describe it like an obsession. Aaaanyway woulda shoulda coulda it's all up to you.
I like to try new stuff as well. Quite recently I considered writting the starting chapter of a fic through the perspective of a baby being born and what follows it.
I think I've proposed a few stuff above. Succubi often play with desire, obsession, lust... they prey on the flesh's needs which is what the devil uses to lure us away from the care of god. Remember the phrase "The mind is willing, but the body is weak..." or something like that? Yea... that.
Remember the devil/evil doesn't come to you as a scary two-horned creature. It comes as everything you ever desired. So Chrysalis could essentially be a pony at first, but then after seducing him she has to revert to her changeling form to feed. The guy senses something different, something that changes in his lover every night, and bam! He gets to know the truth. Or I dunno something like that? She comes only in the night?
Remember succubi are often associated with dominatrixes, and femdom. You could describe the feeling of helplessness, the overwhelming sensation of being in her allmighty tender care, the passion she inspires, how his body aches each time they meet, how he feels tired but strangely happy. Stuff like that.
If you like succubi tales then you're gonna love Katherine and Catherine. Seriously... real fun!
5998272
Possibly. But keep in mind you're talking to a guy whose most popular fic of all time was a Mare Do Well fixfic that came out almost two years after such fics were already a cliché. Timing isn't everything, but it does help.
Uh, that video basically said to keep magic vague and poorly defined so it remains mysterious and interesting, which was exactly my goal with this story.
The narrator doesn't understand what's going on, so neither can the reader without some digging into the little details. The narrator doesn't realize that they've been conditioned by her. There's actually a greater story at work in the background of this fic, it's just that the narrator doesn't know it, so the don't state it in obvious ways. For example, there's a reason why she doesn't appear as a pony. There's a lot more going on than is immediately obvious at first glance, but laying it all out would utterly destroy any sense of mystery at work. Every detail and word choice was on purpose in this fic, albeit most of it is subtle. It's short because it's so concise, with little being said that doesn't add to the story. And this is only loosely inspired by succubi (and the similarities to changelings), but not by any religious explanations for it. In fact, it takes more from the best guess that succubus/incubus encounters were actually just people suffering sleep paralysis.
I can go into deeper depth about all this (I didn't just throw this fic together, after all), but I need to sleep, first. Though, if you didn't like the style of this, you may not like some of my other work. I do this a lot, leaving much implied and shrouding details. I often aim to tell a lot of story with a few words, and the audience simply has to pay close attention to catch it all. Anytime I flat-out tell the audience what's going on and don't even bother with subtlety, I feel like I'm condescending to them, like I assume they can't figure it out themselves and just shove it in their face. Some don't figure it out, but that's a matter of target audience. I like writing stories that make you think and wonder.
Then again, I'm sometimes too subtle, and only a few ever pick up on what's going on.
5998432
Well just be careful you don't want to tire your audience. So... I guess this is going to be continued somehow?
5998272
Versatility is part of the point, though. Like a changeling, some of the details in this story can be different things, depending on the reader.
Now there's something interesting. I could see it being written simply and becoming more complex as the character's mind grows, sorta like "Cal" by Isaac Asimov.
... I fear we may simply be at an impasse, here. It seems you would prefer that this story be something it isn't. It's short, ambiguous, and quick by design, with minimal extra details. The narrator doesn't have all the info, so readers have to fill in the gaps and pick details to get a bigger picture. It was meant to have an open ending and be open to interpretation. This was not an accident, this was the point. Not everyone likes stories like this. I don't know what else there is to say.
Also, I'm not sure how any of this expansion stuff relates to the original complaint of having an open ending. If the story was enough for you to get it in the first place, why add more? Why make it longer than it needs to be, unless you don't think the bulk of the tale was effective?
6000093
I just have to ask... you kinda hinted that you would continue this or link it to something else.
6000110
You mean this?
I meant continue on about this story and it's inner workings, which I can do, but I would rather not lay it out here in the comments. Though, my editor did suggest that I write a followup from the perspective of Chrysalis, and tell the background story that's hinted at in this one. It would likely explain everything that's going on here, though, and that would probably result in "ohs" of either satisfied comprehension or disappointment at the mystery fading away. Regardless, I am considering a sequel that works on this concept more, but I really don't know if I'll do it. If I can come up with something that fits well alongside this, I just might. But very probably not.
I'll never say what happened to the narrator, though.
6000140 Whatever you want brah.
I like it! Have a like
Good story
He clearly cannot see beauty even when it's right in his face.
While I will admit it would be a shock to see her for the first time, I don't think it is very high on my horror scale.
Sequel pls. Tis two gud four anything else.
7782732
I don't feel this is supposed to be a horror type story. It seems to be the type to show a character's perspective on things and how he came to accept this creature over time.
Sometimes it seems better to not know what's going on in the world. Ignorance is bliss in this case.
7784742 But it IS more proof of why we must blow up all da cherngelerngs!
Especially now that they've turned from sorta cool bug monsters into Skittles-colored things that look like rejects from a Glow Worm series reboot.
7790638
MOAR EXPLOSIONS!
Ooh shit. Here's a follow. Just take it.
Oh my gosh that was amazing!
Full review here, but in brief: truly creepy in a way that few short horror fics manage. I at least half-wish the identity of you-know-who hadn't been known from the start, but the uncomfortable narration is a winner. Faved.