The Moon's Tear

When Celestia throws the powers of the Elements of Harmony against Nightmare Moon, instead imprisoning her in the moon, they transport her to a different world inhabited by humans. The story will change for young Harry Potter when he meets the Night Princess. The two and their friends now embark to Hogwarts, not realizing the dangers and mysteries that await them.

Chapters (5)

Luna's Awakening · 2nd May 2015 · 1,619 words
1,619
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Diagon Alley - Part 1 · 2nd May 2015 · 2,513 words
2,513
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Diagon Alley - Part 2 · 3rd May 2015 · 2,395 words
2,395
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An Alien in London · 4th May 2015 · 5,425 words
5,425
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The Shadow · 5th May 2015 · 1,633 words
1,633
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Comments ( 7 )

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Dicefire5

Dicefire5 #1 · Jun 19th, 2015 · 5 · · Luna's Awakening ·

Well right off the bat I would say that the biggest reason this story is not as well liked is because right in the first chapter you introduce a character that behaves like a Deus Ex Machina...Yes I am talking about Star Gate.

The idea behind the story so far is sound and interesting.

It's just that if you feel the need to create a character that can bridge dimensions, control the elements, and gift the main character all the knowledge she needs to get started...then what is going to happen later on?...

A good deal of what Luna was just gifted by Star Gate could have been figured out on her own, and that process could have been used to get us the readers more emotionally invested in the story.

Deus Ex Machina characters are usually considered (I am sorry for saying it) lazy writing, and it makes readers nervous simply because we then wonder what other convenient characters of macguffin will be written in to the story...?

The story has potential! Don't give up!