Just your average normal days at Canterlot High. Follow our our heroines during their school days at Canterlot High. Learning lessons, having fun, and whatever else my brain comes up with.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 8th Apr, 2015
- offline last seen Apr 19th, 2016
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A brony still in high school trying to become part of the analyst community
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Joined 8th Apr, 2015 ·
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This is a pretty good story! But from a new writer to a new writer there's one thing that bothers me a bit.
There's a lot of 'saids' and similar words in this story, without any description. This gets repetitive to the reader, and gets a bit boring. Just for an example, is the first or second one more interesting?
That being said, don't completely boycott the word, but just use it less, and add more description as to what they're doing besides the dialogue. I also don't want you to think I'm being too harsh on this
Otherwise, cool story. I'll up vote it!
5929095 No your not being harsh thanks for reading, and I'll take your advice to heart. Make sure to check out my You Tube Channel
I have to say, this was quite a good story. Great story arc and character development, and you seem to nail everyone's personality very well. A few things I'd like to point out, because I see a very good writer in you. As EmeraldSkies said, you do use the same dialogue format a lot, but I want to go a little more into detail. I think you should use more words before and inbetween lines of dialogue, fleshing out what is going on a bit more. Many times I don't know who is talking because all six of the girls are in the same group talking to each other, and I have to skip to the end of the sentence to see who is talking. Things like "Rainbow Dash said 'X'" or "Sunset Shimmer walked up to the group. 'Hey guys,' she said," would really add a lot of sophistication and readability to your story. Also, going back and making sure your punctuation and spelling is all correct would help a lot, since I noticed a few errors (especially in punctuation). Also, getting a pre-reader to read through your story before publishing would help. All that said, this was a very good story that fit in well with the universe and the characters and I would definitely like to see more of it. Hope to see what you come up with in the future.
You may need to space the paragraphs a little bit between dialogues. I found it a bit difficult to read and transition between paragraphs. If you do plan on continuing, remember to maybe add one extra 'Return'. As for the indenting, either indent at the beginning of each paragraph or don't. To me, it works either way. You were a little speedy when it came to the progress of the story itself, but that is fine. Is each chapter a one-shot in itself or are we going to see a plot?
Beyond that, I liked it. Keep it up and Flutter On!
5929095 Thank you very much
5930746 Thank you for the advice. As for your question right now I'm thinking of one shot chapters. Some may be two or three chapters long, but for now they are most likely going to be one shots. I also plan to give fan service latter and write about characters you want to see next.