"-But Chi-Chi fighting Majin Buu made me so hungry that i can eat a mountain of your cooking!" say's goku to his wife.
"Listen Goku i still need to go buy groceries which means no food for now, you may have saved the world again but that doesn't exactly get us income. If you want something so bad go and catch some fish and bring them back here to cook!" Said Chi-Chi annoyed with Goku's complaining.
Cringing at Chi-Chi's tone, Goku decides that is a pretty good idea so he set's out to his favorite fishing spot and manages to catch some pretty large fish when he hears a voice in his head.
"Goku can you hear me?" King Kai said to Goku telepathically.
Surprised by the sudden contact by King Kai, Goku dropped his latest catch which was also his biggest yet. "Aw man, King Kai you made me drop the biggest catch ever!" pouted Goku.
"Goku this is serious we have a problem!" The Kai expressed with a worried tone.
"Oh sorry hehe, so what's up?"
"Come to my planet, i need to show you something"
Goku used his Instant Transmission technique learned on planet Yardrat to quickly travel to King Kai's little planet.
"So what's up King Kai, what did you want to show me?" said Goku smiling at King Kai
King Kai turned to face away from Goku, "I fear we have a problem Goku, i sense a sinister power in a neighboring universe and it is growing stronger."
Goku tried to sense this sinister energy for himself but couldn't."You sure? I don't feel a thing."
"Place your hand on my shoulder,i'll help you sense it."
The hero does what he's asked and finally senses the evil.
"Whoa, that's some strength i want to see for myself who this is!" Goku says ecstatically.
"You never seem to change Goku, you're always looking to find new challenges no matter the odd's.Now if you focused more on comedy you'd be the funniest man alive! Anyways this universe is a lot different from our own, so be ready for anything, got it tough guy?"
Goku smirked as he put two fingers to his forehead getting ready to use Instant Transmission to get to the new universe "Got it, whoa it feels like he just got another power boost, i'd better hurry!" Said Goku just before he teleported away.
Haven't read yet, but FUCK THE HELL YES.
This story might be good, provided the Mane 6 don't just sit out the fight and Goku saves the day all by himself.
5960562 I'll try to get them involved, thanks for the feedback
It's good. Maybe you could consider getting an editor, but all of the grammatical errors are very minor. So far you're doing a great job man, keep it up.
5961168 Thank you!
First, a DBZ Joke. "Q: How many Saiyans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A:One, but it takes fifteen episodes."
Now, your pacing is the exact opposite of this. Jesus Rollerblading Christ this moves quickly. The punctuation is virtually nonexistent, and the dialogue comes across as rushed and wooden as a result. That said, this is (presumably) your first story, and as far as first stories go it isn't irrevocably bad. You've got quite a bit of potential for the idea, and a lot of people are willing to see this done. This last bit is more of a guess on my part after seeing this placed in the "Popular Stories" sidebar.
Don't be afraid to draw things out a little bit. Details are a writer's best friend, and it helps to show more than you tell. The people who come to this site are probably aware of what the characters from MLP look like, but anyone not from the show's canon MUST be described. The amount of description is up to you, but the audience must have some frame of reference in your story. You cannot assume that everyone knows the difference between Kakarot and Vegeta.
You can also use details to give your audience a sense of what's at stake. Let's look at this chapter as you have it now. When King Kai is helping Goku feel Tirek's power level, you are showing us why Goku is going to fight Tirek. But you might not want to go with the literary equivalent of "he's got a really big power level, sic 'em Goku." See, warriors with massive power levels, that's just another Tuesday for Goku. But a warrior who STEALS the energy of others to increase his own is much more of a unique threat. Have King Kai show Goku - in by extension, the audience - this aspect of Tirek's power.
Let me give an sample of how this can be done:
Hope this feedback helps you. I really want to see what you can do with the right tips and tricks at your disposal.
5962303 I really appreciate your feedback Thank you (: