Hi! :D :) <3 MLPEGRRR, here! My account, sadly, got banned, so I made a new one. I am 14, and my lil sis who took over my old account is 10. Because of her, I don't have that one anymore. Oh, well! :)
"You don't know you hate someone until you're stuck in a closet with them for 2 hours."
After Cheerilee gets tackled by Starlight Glimmer into her closet, which won't open, they end up being stuck for 2 hours with no way out. Starlight can't use her magic, either. Who knows what will happen in that time.
Rated teen for the fighting of Cheerilee and Starlight.
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I was hoping that Starlight would try to make Cheerilee her marefriend.
5909738 Well, that isn't going to happen, sorry. I have a good idea of making the story longer, though.
Your profile says that you’re fourteen years old, and it shows. First, there’s the wording - it’s bland. I’ll give you it seems like an interesting idea (and there’s a few jokes to be made about them being in-the-closet), but it’s poorly exicuted by being uninteresting. I want to say the characters are a bit OOC, but I haven’t seen either Rainbow Rocks or most of season four yet, due to it not being available in my language here, so I’m not in a position to say that about half your cast. I will say, however, it doesn’t feel like it would be a part of either of those cannons. Lastly, you don’t really explain why Cheerilee would be a target for revenge nor why said revenge would be theft. Remember: not everyone has access to the show legally in their language.
Grammar, how does it work? First, and the most jarring: you don’t bold the name of a title to indicate that it’s a title; you italicize or you underline, like I did above with the second movie’s name. Second, inconsistent verb-tenses. For example:
« I came back from school. Being a teacher is hard work ».
In this example, the first sentence is in the past-tense, but the second one is the present. If you made it say that she thought or actually said « being a teacher ... », that would be an acceptable shift; the problem is: there’s nothing to indicate that. Now, it would still be fine if that was the present and you stayed with that, but that didn’t happen either:
« ... almost purple unicorn was waiting for me » is past-tense, which breaks that grammatically. It’s also worth noting that most narration is done in the past-tense, although I’ve seen writers get-away with good present or future-tensed narration.
Overall, it’s a poor fanfic, I’d advise you to go read more, see what works with successful writers, of any kind, and try to replicate that. Remember « creativity, it’s basically stealing » (Thomas Ridgewell). Work on your grammar, then revise, and resubmit.