I'm just someone who loves writing, reading and making plush ponies. Lots of plush ponies. The bad thing about it? I have so many by now, I don't know where to put them...
A broken heart. A mask, made of overgrown pride to hide fear. A wrong decision.
All of these lead Fleetfoot into a situation she never expected or wanted to be in. Will she have enough courage to face the dangers ahead on her way? And will she be able to embrace her fears of the past days?
Note: Sad tag is only for some parts of the first five chapters. From there on it's a pure adventure story.
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I'll start out by saying that you have a wonderful idea and that I did give it an upvote, as I could tell you put a lot of effort into this story, which I appreciate. Fleetfoot is a character that could use more love, so it's nice to see her in the spotlight. I think you did a good job with the interactions between the different characters and they all appear to have distinctive personalities.
However, what keeps me from giving it a favorite is that the prose and grammar needs some work. Instead of telling us that Fleetfoot was sad, for example, you could show it by mentioning her body language, her muscles tightening, and so on. Those aren't the best examples, I must admit, and there's plenty of room to experiment and it can give the reader a better insight into the characters. Try reading some of your favorite, highly rated fics on the site and see how they construct their prose. Try not to emulate it, but study how the author shows a character's emotions and behaviors. It will add to your writing as a result.
Lastly, I'd recommend getting a proofreader, as there were a number of grammar mistakes. They didn't detract from the story too much, but you should be careful with them and having clean grammar can make a story's presentation better. Here's a group that specializes with writers asking for people to proofread their rough drafts.
Looking for Editors
Anyway, I hope some of my advice helped. Don't give up, as you have a great idea and a story waiting to be told. With practice and polish, you'll start to improve bit by bit and this story and future stories you write will become even better. I wish you the best of luck.
5841921
Thanks for your nice words and your help. I really appreciate it.
I checked the story a couple of times to be sure it would be free of errors. Well, translating a story sounded easier to me than it is. But you're right, I should start looking for an editor. Also, I thought I would needlessly expand the story by writing every single time how their bodies react to each emotion. But on second thought, it would make the story better to read.
Well, I'm glad you sort of liked the first chapter.
5843742 You're welcome. I wish you the best of luck on this story and any future stories you write.
That is amazing and very funny
reading this story was such fun. you should definitely finish this story! a such bloody good story abandoned... Best of luck to you mate!