Star Trek: You Can't Go Home Again

by Aceman67

You Won't Go Home Again...

The Scott Free shook almost as if she were about to fly apart, but the old girl was as sturdy as the day they laid her keel almost forty years ago. A smaller, two-decked variant of the venerable Antares-Class civilian freighter, she handled well in the atmosphere; as much as what amounts to a falling brick could. If it wasn't for the warp core powered anti-gravity generators and shield emitters, the Scott Free would be torn asunder on her decent.

Thankfully this time around the landing would be controlled and safe. My sister would kill me if I let anything happen to this ship, it was all that is left of our parents, and it was what we called home for most of our lives, raised as what is colloquially referred to as 'space boomers'.

With the meadow where I had built my cabin in sight, I pulled a slow U-Turn to bring the ship into position for a soft touchdown a hundred meters from the cabin.

"Any landing you can walk away from..." I said to myself quietly with a chuckle. "Computer, power down all non-essential systems and activate planetary stand-by."

"Planetary stand-by activated." The male computer voice droned.

"I really need to change that voice... creepy." I said while making my way to the outer hatch. With the push of a button followed by the loud hiss of equalizing pressure, the hatch opened up into the warm Equestrian spring.

In the distance, I could make out several approaching ponies that I could only assume were my friends. My heart jumped in my chest as I saw Fluttershy coming at me in a dead run. She leapt into the air and flew the last several feet right into my arms, causing me to back peddle. Taking me in an embrace, she placed her lips on mine. Momentarily caught off guard, I eagerly returned her affections.

Read the rest in this story's next exciting installment: You Won't Go Home Again...

Author's Note:

Most of the people who followed this story don't follow me, so you probably don't know that I published the next installment for this story.

Comments

[drone_r0m-3]

Most of the people who followed this story don't follow me, so you probably don't know that I published the next installment for this story.

I corrected that issue earlier today. If you hadn't added the story to Star Trek Ponies I probably wouldn't have known till now.

[Silentwoodfire]

I admit this is a decent story, the only thing I would note is that there seems to be a severe disparity between when he diagnosed the medical issue (and pointed out who did it) and the sudden and abrupt heading home part, with only recollections of the time in-between.

[Starlight Nova]

Is James Scott an OC?

[Aceman67]

6577232
Its the character I've RP'd for a long time, so yeah. He is.

[SilentMech]

6263193 I agree whole heartedly, it would of been a very intense and very satisfying bit of action, rather than a build up that then just aborts its self inside of five minutes. It feels like the literary equivalent of suddenly blue balls. I would of preferred a bit of poorly written action rather than suddenly being five years later, if for no other reason than it would of made a better story in my opinion. However, it is your story, so there isn't much I can do than be a bit disappointed and move on to the sequels.

[Aceman67]

7271553
The novel is about a English teacher going back in time five years before JFK is assassinated, through a portal (that's never explained) in the basement of a Diner to save JFK. It is a ridiculous premise, but its an amazing book. Give it a read.

[Rokas]

A decent story, but filled with several flaws. The build-up of a conflict that is never shown being resolved, instead we are told.

In case no one has told you, the rule of thumb is "Show, not Tell" in fiction. Especially when building up to an action and then not delivering it. It was a narrative punch in the reader's metaphorical gut, and rather cheap.

The basic structure wasn't bad, nor the characterization, or rather what we saw of it. You rushed through a lot of what could have been interesting scenes that could have established a rapport between the protagonist and the other characters, building up their relationships in our minds; the interesting meat of the story. Instead, more "telling", simply assuring us that they're friends because reasons.

All in all, you have a decent idea and a basic understanding of writing, but you need a lot more practice. Also perhaps you should read some older, printed professional-grade fiction, as much of the work of published authors tends to go through some heavy scrutiny due to the costs associated with printing physical books. Publishers wanted to make sure they were putting out a product that would sell, after all, and well-constructed stories—perhaps not original or creative, but well-made nonetheless—tend to sell better.

In any case, I can't thumb this up because the quality is lacking, but I won't thumb it down, either, because you put forth a good effort. With time and practice you could do some good work.

[Aceman67]

7271748
Thanks for the review. A lot of the problems in this story stem from writing into a corner and not seeing a way out.

Keep going though, there's still two more stories left to read

[Aceman67]

7858181
Read the Sequels

[hmgirlpopuri]

8586673
The issue I have isn't that it happened, it's how and when it's told. If it's a vital part of his character, bring it up in another setting or after he gets to know someone. This example is an over simplification, but it would be like meeting someone and they ask 'Hey what are you good at?' and your response is 'Baseball! It's funny, I signed up to join the navy and wouldn't you know it, my first voyage out to sea and a hurricane wrecked my whole hometown. Killed my whole family.'

That part of the conversation just feels rushed and blurted out of nowhere. I appreciate you taking the time to respond though. I'm not much of a Trekkie, and most of my knowledge comes from watching TNG with my dad when I was a kid.

[Okie Brony]

Awesome story. I recently read one where the author forced himself through several scenes, and if I'd read the comments first, I probably wouldn't have read it. I'll admit that when you jumped past a potentially awesome action scene, I was pissed. But, overall, I loved the story.

To the sequels!
c.tenor.com/1-syYWUespQAAAAC/tenor.gif

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Can't believe I almost forgot to add this: