- Member Since 24th Oct, 2014
- offline last seen April 1st
Brony_Headbanger
Metal music, guitars, and model electric trains. Rainbow Dash is best pony!
Brony_Headbanger
Joined 24th Oct, 2014 ·
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Nice.
"Redblood" I lost my shit right there also...
"Tat's alright. Anyways what are you doing out here?" "Tat's" should be "That's"
"I'm kind of tired. I think I'm gonna jit the hay." "Jit" should be "Hit'
One more thing... Love the story
Spelling and grammar could use some work, way too much cussing, and the plot doesn't make a lot of sense.
But it's clop. Who cares about all that?
In any case, not bad. Not bad.
5823808 Indeed. People never read clop or any form of smut for the plot. They just skip to the juicy parts, have a quicky, then go to the next one (and the next box of tissues).
But in all seriousness, I do enjoy that rare piece of erotica that has a plot worth reading. But it is hard for me to find one done well enough that I pay attention to more than those naughty bits.
5824090
I disagree.
Clearly not referring to this fic? For all its 5k words, there was nothing a 7th grader couldn't write without any practice.
Redblood? Ran out of ideas I'm assuming
5824840 Obviously not. After all, I did use the phrase "that rare piece of erotica that has a plot worth reading." But as for the first part, I was just joking. Even I admitted it, and I know some people aren't as narrow-minded as some of my friends irl. But as aforementioned, I have a hard time finding one of those gems. There only a few I have ever read that I have enjoyed for their intricate/interesting plot.
and a secret:I usually read the comments on a story before I decide to read them.I didn't read this one, I just left that reply.
Light Sword gave me all the info I needed to make my decision. And one more thing, I didn't vote on it. I don't vote unless I read, and even then I don't have a habit of "Red Fever"
5824840
Haha, well. To be honest, I'm actually in the 11th grade, I'm 17 years old if you're wondering about me. Shocking is it?
Good premise here, but the execution could use a bit of work. There are three major problems that are holding this story back.
1. Spelling and Grammar
Pretty simple issue here. Be sure to proofread your story thoroughly or look for an editor that is willing to do so for you. There are quite a few cases where the misspelling of words made some paragraphs hard to read.
2. Narration
This was an issue mainly because of the word choices. You never want to use cursing in the narration of the story unless it's told from a 1st person perspective. The narrator is supposed to be a neutral party that's only there to move the story along. Keep the cursing restricted to dialogue only, and even then, be selective about it. The thing about having cursing in a story is that curse words are like spices, they can add some flavor, but if you use too much, it doesn't taste good. Here's one example:
I can see that you want to get the point across that the main character really likes the way Rarity looks, but here's a better way of putting it.
With this, not only do you get the point across, but now the readers have a clearer picture of the main character's reaction to Rarity's entrance.
3. Rarity's Dialogue
When writing a fic with canon characters, you have to make sure that the lines they say sound like something that they would say. The best way to explain this is by using an example from your story, like the scene where Rarity tells off Redblood:
First off, and this goes for the previous excerpt, as well, be careful using all caps. You use it a lot in the story, and it only should be used very rarely. Secondly, while Rarity has yelled at stallions before, the words you chose make it sound like someone else is yelling. If Rarity were to say this, it would sound more like this:
Here, it's still clear that she is still angry, but now it actually sounds like something she would say.
All in all, there's potential here. It just needs some fixing up.
5832213 Haha, thanks 4 that bro.
Good story, but this Rarity reminds me too much of my ex...
I have read most of your stories, this by far is the second worst.
While the spelling is terrible, like most of your stories, in this one, the narrative sucks for having too many all-caps moments. Also, when writing a second person story, make the person you are describing ( the reader) as non-specific as possible.
Stop being a baby and check stories before posting them, as well as, when people give you criticism on a story, you should stop writing bad stories and fix it!
small spelling errors, but still good to read 8/10
For those who are interested in that sort of thing, here's a reading:
5867855
Pff, damn. Since when did you become a smartass? I'm already laughing my ass off right now.
I want to know how you messed his name up when you had it right, just next to it.
Strange
Definitely. For some reason, this is a common mistake in fan fictions.
Sworn
Oi, you wot m8? would've worked as well. jk
Doesn't need to be capitalized.
Accepts
she tackled and was now on top of you
Half
as Rarity pumps and blows you.
No real mistake, just some curious word choices.
Jiggles. It would be odd if it giggled.
as she gripped
Riddance.
derpicdn.net/media/W1siZiIsIjIwMTIvMTIvMjQvMDJfNTdfMTNfMzMyXzE5MTk3MV9fVU5PUFRfX3NhZmVfZnJlYWt5X2ZyZWQiXV0/191971__safe_rarity_freaky-fred.png.png
5968003
Oh god!
Her ass giggles as you pound her with all of your might.
i.imgur.com/yjgMRGg.gif
5968003 oh dear, look what you've gone and done now. i.imgur.com/6Uz9PWf.jpg
I couldn't finish it. It felt choppy and the narration wasn't fluid at all. and It felt that you kept jumping from first person to third person.
make some more to thins please
Awesome story
Huh. I finally found a fic where the character who's supposed to be you does something close to what you'd do in reality. Though I personally would've sandwiched Redblood's head really hard between my knee and elbow. Otherwise, this was awesome!
Also: that clop scene... It was
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/563/445/6de.gif
Is Sweetie Bell hearing everything just laying in her bed thinking 'what is going on?' scared out of her mind while her big sister screams "MAKE ME YOUR WHORE!"
Typo?
Giggles?
The Monk
Redblood. I wonder if he's related to Blueblood.