(First fan fic, please don't judge harshly) just a normal 22 year old human, sent through a rift to discover a new sense of life, but what will this human discover about his own past in this strange new world? what secrets will his new life hold now?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Ooh nice. I like where this is going. Keep it up. Some good mixed with bad makes for excellent character development and a good story. The only thing id be carefull of is how you handle any romance you add.
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I am not a fan of just "oh hi, we just met and all I know, but let's do it" no...there may be "a crush at first sight" sort of thing, but, not a too quick to date, or, fuck, or anything. I want my story to hit 60-100 chapters, if not more. And I want it to be as good as I can. And I'm expecting to do only 2 OP moments...maybe 3, but the rest is gonna be more, realistic and such. Along the lines of "magic can make anything possible" sort of stuff. Because it IS true. Magic has no real limit to what it CAN do, it's the USER that makes the limit.
And should I ponify Daniel in chapter 4 or 5?
And I will NOT let clip fans get to me. If they don't like hoe I am doing my story....than I have three words for them....
http://media.tumblr.com/5b6587f7e31b4c480812782481bb2786/tumblr_inline_mq80b40A9m1qz4rgp.gif
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Id say ponyfy him when it feels like the right time to do so. I know it sounds odd but when you really dig into writing somthings will just feel right and other things wont depending on whats happening with the story. I apologize if that is confusing
I personally think Daniel should be ponyfied (with a name that would be more likely to be heard in equestria) in chapter 4 to give him a chance to learn how to use his Pegasus body? before going to ponyville with twilight and spike.
Other than a few small problems for me here and there, this story looks promising :) However, I'd clean up your story description. You might bring in more people if you capitalize some of those Is lol.
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I know, I plan to. I typed on my laptop, and I'm used to my iPad auto capitalizing for me.
Also, please do tell any problems you see. I will fix what I need to, and I would appreciate any help the readers can bring me.
6405002
Don't worry, pony name is all set up, and everything. I mean it's gonna be my ponysona since Daniel is me basically I will also be adding a picture of the pony look in the next chapter after its done and everything question is how am I gonna do the blue blood part....I want him to be a huge dick/asshole, but I want to be original as well....
6405263 I'm certain that whatever you come up with will be great as long as you have the mention of the name blueballs, you can never go wrong when blueballs is mentioned.
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THAT is a must of course, no matter how old THAT is, it is just fucking gold.
i.imgur.com/j75vIc8.png
Chapter one, everyone is too stupid to live. Easily avoided confrontations everywhere, in a clumsy attempt to make the main character seem sympathetic.
Chapter two, main character whines about how terrible humans are, and then begs for citizenship in a country where half the people attack him on sight.
This fic is an affront to both humanity, and cartoon horses. I regret that I can only downvote it once.
I'm done. Only got a bit further in this chapter, but I'm done. Sorry, buts it's just the same shit over and over and over again. Human goes to equestria, is attack or something as bad and forgives the party instantly, gets over the fact they on another planet and different intelligent species just as quickly, becomes friends way to fast. Is branded a monster for no reason, other than being different, and the human is a total push over.
It's fine to have one or two things, that are bad habits or etc, but no normal human, when appears on a new planet, meets new spieces, gets attacked or something similar by said species, goes "yeah, it's okay don't worry about it".
No they get emotional, and forget rational thinking. So yeah, sorry, but this story isn't for me.
God he is so paranoid about the 'governent'
You do realise the protocol for finding aliens is to not respond right? As in mankind would do nothing.
this story has the worst problem any story could, it is boring. not only that its also extremely fast paced so your getting all that boring at once, its only just under 2000 words and it still feels like a slog to get through.
Why is he so paranoid about war and stuff? I mean you don't really hear much of it unless you're in the war
2.5 / 10
6994835 uhhh I say it's more like 8/10 to me
7180671
Then you have yet to see real quality writing. This is bad. Not horrible for a first fic but definitely on the wrong side of the quality curve, and yet it is not the worst I've seen. For example, in chapter two the MC states that he notices that Rarity is holding Dash back with magic. Two major issues with this. First, how does he know that it's magic and that it's specifically Rarity's magic that's holding Dash back? Second, when did Rarity get strong enough with magic that she can (faster than the eye can track) see that Dash is about to attack someone, figure out a spell to use to stop Dash, power up the spell, aim the spell, cast the spell, and have enough power in the spell to stop Dash outright. That sounds more like Twilight than Rarity.
Another example of poor writing is that he goes into a diatribe about how bad contact with humanity would be, which is rife with self-righteous BS ("All humans are bad, except for me"). I served in the US Army. Want to know what my first reaction would be to seeing an alien (after the "WTF?!" moment)? I would ensure my subordinates are in cover, ready to act if they prove hostile, and initiate basic communication in an attempt to keep them from doing anything that would result in my men opening fire ("Stop", "Hands up", "Don't move", "What's you're name?", "What are you?", "Who do you represent?", "What are you doing here?", etc). I wouldn't be second guessing myself, I'd be triple and quadruple guessing. What I would do would be under such heavy scrutiny, that if I messed just one thing up, even something incredibly minor, I'd be standing in front of a court martial trying (and most likely failing) to save my career and stay out of jail before you can say "Whoops." The author has been watching too many Hollywood flicks where the government is some big, bad entity that is actively looking for ways to start wars or commit crimes against humanity against its own citizenry. Real life is nothing like that. "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions" is the best way to describe the real government. They try to honestly help, but only screw things up due to someone's incompetence (usually in regards to some regulation or procedure that was made by "someone who understands what's going on", but really has no clue).
A third example is that the MC's first reaction after being attacked is stupid. "Hey, these guys are pointing lethal weapons at me for no reason! Oh, it was a mistake? I mean it's not their fault. Trained military personnel couldn't possibly understand or notice that their target was in a hospital with a crumpling injury, and therefore most likely not a threat. You know what, I want to become exactly like them. Fuck the warmongering humanity, I want to be a pony!" Asinine doesn't even begin to describe this situation. If I was the one in charge (of the guards), and my men did something that fucking stupid, I'd PT their asses until they found their fucking brains that they must have left behind when they got up that morning. Then I'd throw them in the brig for a few days to make sure they got the point (what happened does actually violate the UCMJ [US Military law]). After that, I'd have a nice, long one-way conversation about how stupid the MC's beliefs are, and how pathetic his reasoning are for having those stupid beliefs.
[Specifically for the author after this point]
As for opening chapters, this story gets a D/D-. Basically, only the spelling and grammar were solid as far as stories go. The pace was way too fast (greased lightening could take lessons from this story), the characters were unbelievable and felt incredibly forced, I couldn't care less about the main character (I don't even remember his name, much less anything about him other than his attitude and actions would make me want to punch him in the face for being that kind of stupid) and the characters that have established personalities were way out of character. Normally, I give stories (especially from new author) five chapters before making a decision to bail. This one forced my hand in about two and a quarter chapters.
This is not a flame. This is meant to be a wake up call. No one's first story is good. Looking at the ones I've written (all non-MLP), they are horrible compared to what I can write now. You've got some ability with the written word. Do not take this as a reason to quit. Take it as a reason to get better. Look at the three examples I gave, find out why those examples caused me to quit, and make sure not to make those kinds of examples again. The ones I gave are not based on my "personal taste" in stories. I would say "I disagree with this" rather than "This is wrong" if that were the case and not leave a thumbs down (I don't vote down stories based on their content, only their quality). For example, I find the "humans voluntarily being turned into ponies" trope not only annoying, but highly distasteful and a dodge for the author to avoid some serious character development (for all parties involved) by handling some rather drastic differences. Sure, some stories pull off the "human turning into pony" well, but it usually is because the human is forced to do it for some reason. The examples I pointed out in the above sections are fundamental storytelling flaws. Mistakes that should be fixed before a story comes out.
I hope you grow from this and become a better writer, because this story is wasted potential and I think you could do a lot better.
Ah, right, one of these stories... I suppose I could use a break from scheming to take over a universe, and assimilating another by becoming an eldritch abomination...