• Member Since 12th Nov, 2014
  • offline last seen Oct 7th, 2018

AzelTheMantis

Dota 2 playin Linkin Park listenin RAW watchin jerk with no instagram account

AzelTheMantis Joined 12th Nov, 2014 · Offline

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Based on the fanfic The Monster of Canterlot

Chris' life as the son of Celestia gets threatened again when, for the second time, the changelings strike.

However this time, it leads to the arrival of an unexpected guest : Chrysalis' son
Chapters (6)
Incomplete Published: Apr 2nd, 2015 Download
11,554 words
Comments ( 26 )
drnkntst
drnkntst #1 · Apr 2nd, 2015 · · · Chapter 1 ·
Reply

Excellent first chapter. There is some editing needed, but that is true of every story on this site.:twilightblush: I like the premise and I can't wait to see what happens next.:pinkiehappy:

Truthseeker
Truthseeker #2 · Apr 2nd, 2015 · · · Chapter 1 ·
Reply

"Great! Now they still won't answer our questions" Shining Armor groaned before he walked to the corner in frustration.

Improper sentence format.

"Why are you here?" The Grand Princess asked. The next moment, I found myself being levitated a feet above the floor.

*a foot above the floor*

"He doesn't belong here. Lemme do you a favor and dispose of this...cancer to your and our societies before he causes the near destruction of another species because of his dumb actions" I added without even thinking for a second.

Dumb? Seems a little bit of a childish thing to say, 'Those big, meanies!'

As expected, everyone in the bedroom, including Craft and Snapper gasped when they heard what I said. More than half of the guards looked ready to decapitate me at any second while the princesses glared their eyes out.

Glared their eyes out? ... Are we still in grade school?

"Shut the hay up, you fiend!" Shining interceded, bringing a spear close to my neck, "I've enough of your lies. I have half a mind to thrust this spear right through your throat even if you're pretending to look like one of us".

The part where Shining threatens to 'thrust the spear through the Changeling's throat' just sounds off, and his comment directly after that is awkward. 'even if you're pretending to look like one of us' this really needs to be re-worded.

As for the last bit of the chapter... How? How does he not know he's not a Changeling? There is a lot of jumbled information here. You want to go back and rewrite the entire chapter. Good possible premise, poor execution.

AzelTheMantis
AzelTheMantis #3 · Apr 2nd, 2015 · · · Chapter 1 ·
Reply

5814419 a really huge thanks for even reading this. Damn! I can't even begin to say how grateful I am for that comment. Have a follow for your troubles.

AzelTheMantis
AzelTheMantis #4 · Apr 2nd, 2015 · · · Chapter 1 ·
Reply

5814337 if there's any credit to be given, it should be given to you for writing that awesome story. Thanks for the comment.

Leonexus
Leonexus #5 · Apr 2nd, 2015 · · · Chapter 1 ·
Reply

I'm a little peeved you ended the chapter mid-sentence, but other than that great work, and I can't wait to read more! :pinkiehappy:

EDIT: Oh! nevermind there's there's the rest... :twilightblush:

Truthseeker
Truthseeker #6 · Apr 2nd, 2015 · · · Chapter 1 ·
Reply

5814587 Excellent response sir! With an attitude like that you have a good future ahead of you. Now, I'm not going to Fav the story, but I will follow to see how you do.

Darth Atrox
Darth Atrox #7 · Apr 3rd, 2015 · · · Chapter 1 ·
Reply

it looks like the story was cut off at the end.

These are the last lines I can see:

The silence was eventually broken when Twilight spoke up.

"I still can't figure how he can continue to look like one of us despite the Nullification Spell I casted" Twilight said to Chris.

"There's something about you....Who are you again?" Chris asked me as he knelt down to one knee, meeting me eye to eye.

"Christopher, get away from that thing!" Celestia ordered with a furious look on her face.

"Mom, just let me talk to him. Maybe we can work something out" Chris countered.

"There's nothing to negotiate about. Your mother attacked mine because of you. I'm just here to make sure I get rid of the

OPA77
OPA77 #9 · Apr 4th, 2015 · · · Chapter 2 ·
Reply

After a few seconds, I landed right in the middle of a small room with a single see-through door. The next moment, pile of kitchen sinks suddenly appeared outside as the door slowly opened.

"Just let that sink in" Luna advised.
"I don't give a baboon's ass about what you think" I crossed my hooves.
"Seriously, let me in!" I could hear someone cry out from outside.

drnkntst
drnkntst #14 · Apr 4th, 2015 · · · Chapter 2 ·
Reply

Doing very well so far. :raritywink:I would still advise joining the Looking for Editors group, it helped me out hugely,:ajsmug: and I'm not sure solidarity is the word you were looking for, but I've been wrong in the past.:derpytongue2:

Either way, I'm digging this story and eagerly await the next installment.:yay:

AzelTheMantis
AzelTheMantis #15 · Apr 4th, 2015 · · · Chapter 2 ·
Reply

5821940 Thanks for your feedback. Really means a lot to me

InfernoRage008
InfernoRage008 #16 · Apr 5th, 2015 · · · Chapter 3 ·
Reply

Sheesh! Already hitting it off on the psycho side of things. Man he's lost it!

AzelTheMantis
AzelTheMantis #17 · Apr 5th, 2015 · · · Chapter 3 ·
Reply

5825853 If you watched Thor, you'll be able to relate him to Loki

InfernoRage008
InfernoRage008 #18 · Apr 5th, 2015 · · · Chapter 3 ·
Reply

5825914 Sorry, I'm doing this off of my iPhone here. Your gonna have to PM me whatever it is.

Again sorry!

drnkntst
drnkntst #19 · Apr 5th, 2015 · · · Chapter 3 ·
Reply

Betrayal does powerful things to people

Blackshadow of Abys
Blackshadow of Abys #20 · Apr 6th, 2015 · · · Chapter 2 ·
Reply

is he a human or pony im confused

Truthseeker
Truthseeker #21 · Apr 6th, 2015 · · · Chapter 2 ·
Reply

I had always expected my death to come at the hands of some magic-draining centaur but it was apparently a self righteous suicide, technically speaking. And I hadn't even had the chance to cry when angels deserved to die.

Please remove the song reference. The reference of Chop Suey by System Of A Down is way out of place. It's a good song, but it shouldn't be here.

"Think about it. Your mom said it was possible that you weren't a changeling and here you are, a true pony" Chris added.

I don't remember that. Perhaps I missed it?

This is a definite and colossal improvement over the previous chapter. Keep improving and this may end up being quite a grand story. :raritywink:

AzelTheMantis
AzelTheMantis #22 · Apr 6th, 2015 · · · Chapter 3 ·
Reply

5831112 Pony. Chris' the human.

AzelTheMantis
AzelTheMantis #23 · Apr 7th, 2015 · · · Chapter 3 ·
Reply

5831167 Holy crap! I leave my computer alone with my cousin for five minutes and this happens.

Anyway, this is from Chapter 1

"You're not a changeling" Chris
finished the sentence.
"What!? It's impossible!" I recoiled
back, trying to believe it wasn't true.

"It's not" Chrysalis said lowly.

BTW, thanks for the read.

Leonexus
Leonexus #24 · Apr 9th, 2015 · · · Chapter 4 ·
Reply

Cool, now I know what he looks like.
I've mainly been picturing him as a regular changeling...

Raven
Raven #25 · Apr 10th, 2015 · · · Chapter 5 ·
Reply

Ah Trixie. The Diet Coak of Evil. :trollestia:

CyberDragon89ponies
CyberDragon89ponies #26 · Sep 18th, 2016 · · · Chapter 6 ·
Reply

Didn't story used to have images of Chris In it?

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