Malozi
Joined 26th Dec, 2013 ·
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Entertaining, but the Mary Sues aren't really acting Mary Sue-ish enough. Like, everyone in Ponyville should be madly in love with them, and their abilities should be totally OP and improbable (your team could have anti-Mary Sue-magic that prevents them from being completely OP in proximity, but if Discord is scared of these guys, we ought to see what they're like against the average pony, or even Celestia and Luna.)
Also, on a personal level, I can't help but be distracted by the character's name because my brother's name is Noel. Though he would definitely hunt down and murder Mary Sues if he had the opportunity. :-)
6490709 I don't know why I'm just now responding to this but I am. Your statements are valid and have been considered and were also being planned on being implemented beforehand. All questions shall be answered eventually. And some questions have been answered in the second chapter. Enjoy and thank you for commenting as well.
6593642
Yeah, I don't like Alexander either. Thanks for commenting!
Congrats on 10,000th story placement in the Human in Equestria group, while a number is a worthless thing, it is almost amazing to see how far the group has come, and that you were the one to bring it to that final benchmark.
It's really nothing to be proud of, but I thought you'd be interested in what you have done, if you haven't already known of such.
6602478
Thank you for the comment. And as long as people you and other people like you are willing to read this story and like it that just makes it all the better. Assuming you read the story, but hey! That's okay!
6602512 haven't read it yet, but I don't like to read new stories while catching up on previous new ones, but I'll get to this in a day or so, can't wait
6602540
Thank you again, then. And if you'd like to comment on it and essentially review it in a way, do so!
6602556 I most likely will
We need more plz
By more we mean more BLOOD!!
Great story, the only way i'd like this better is if it were a romance. But great none the less!
6728445
Thank you! I do love romance myself. In a way this story is influenced by what the readers want and they can contribute if they so desire. What I'm saying is, maybe that'll happen down the road. Again, though I do love romance myself, I'm not entirely confident I can pull it off, even though I'm writing romance in my books and people I've shown it to seem to like it.
WHAT ARE TOEESSS?!
*cricket noises* Okay...I go home now.
But in all seriousness, you've got a good story goin' on, so keep up the good work. The characters are unique and this "Mary Sue Slayer" fic is a particularity well done breath of fresh air...
However, I have a few questions out of curiosity...
This Noel character, who is he? How was he inspired. He particularly reminds me of another Noel who is
> A hunter of monsters
> Travels through space-time and is technically hundreds of years old...
> Brown hair, magical, and adept in swordsmanship (preferring two blades for combat)
> Determined, at times reckless but soft spoken and carefree
Did I mention he's from Final Fantasy?
ci.memecdn.com/761/3477761.jpg
6733774
I was wondering when someone would make the connection between both Noels. In all honesty, I just really liked the name so much that I decided to use it. That was the inspiration for his name, but not him as a character. Though the Archon is a lot like Caius Ballad in the sense that he's his mentor and raised/trained him from a very young age, without the eventual "I'm going to kill you for what you've done" evil master kind of thing. Any other similarities are purely coincidental on my part since I made an entire past for him and stuff.
Thank you for the comment and I'm glad you liked the story. I aim to please.
And just for making me laugh with that video, I shall tell you about Noel in a PM.
So what exactly are the Mary Sues trying to do? What's their goal? How can you tell one apart from a normal person? Are they aliens?
6735988
The average Mary Sue doesn't have a goal aside from just doing whatever it wants to do. Only the more powerful ones, and thus more intelligent like Maria, have goals for the entirety of the Mary Sue race. As for telling them apart, you'd need hunter training and hunter powers to be able to notice the difference immediately.
Edit: also, chapter two does explain them a bit better.
Is this story a sequel to something?
6736026
No, it is not.
How about you add in one of those hunters who used to be an MS and have them shed light on their goals, what they are, and how that particular hunter stopped being one? I don't really think one can stop being an alien...
6737964
Remember what was said in chapter one, how the Mary Sues aren't necessarily aliens, they're just like you and me, the fact that they're born in a body that is just like ours is a coincidence (both on the outside and the inside). Plus, I was planning on having an ex-Mary Sue come in anyway to talk about his/her experiences. I just haven't decided on who/what/when/where yet.
What an asshole.
Well written. Quick question, when will Kul'as appear, just wondering
New chapter equals further in the story..... They'll have their spot light soon, I bet. (Evil Laughter here)
but im not mad at anybody
I love this story. Wait, can we give suggestions as to M.S? I have so many ideas
6909872
You can always give suggestions. And thanks.
6909973
I think I succeeded in making him unlikable then. Both in this chapter and even more so in chapter four.
As for the giant, he's a product of the Mary Sue's plan. He'll get explained in much more detail in chapter five once I release it.
First off, sorry for taking so long, I've had a lot on my mind and a lot going on.
ANYWAY, as promised, I have now read all available chapters of WOTH, and.. I love it (mostly).
Now, as I also promised, I'm gonna go into some details and give a review-ish look at things.
First of all, the story itself and the main concept of it, is very nice. I like the cross between Equestria and.... whatever the other world(s?)
are called, so.. for the duration of this "review" I will be calling the Hunter-world, or HW for short. E for Equestria, HW for the hunter world.
The ponies all feel well-written and true to their selves from the show. Personalities, actions, speech, all feels accurate.
The hunters also feel well-written, different personalities, different feelings about situations, different ways of handling things..
And when you first introduced them, you gave a good, but not excessively detailed description of each person,
telling the reader what needs to be known - the look, name, and basics of each character - and then let the characters
evolve through the story, revealing more as the story goes on.
The Mary Sues, true to their entire concept, DO feel over-powered, but MS's are SUPPOSED to be over-powered,
so that's all as it should be.
having the announcer break the fourth wall is... a mixed feeling. Sometimes it's fun and can give some necessary information,
But some times it comes off as shoe-horned and annoying.
Also, you have a minor problem with punctuation - not all the time, but it occurs here and there throughout the story.
The main problem is that you sometimes forget to put "" around speech and thoughts, and switch perspective
between the narrator and characters, and thus making that part of the text confusing as to who says what,
and if they're saying or thinking it.
All-in-all, the problems are minor and easily ignored if you're just casualy reading, but become visible when you're
actively paing attention to detail for review-purposes, such as I did. So, maybe get a proofreader / editor to have a look
at each chapter before release, or take greater care yourself when writing, keeping these things in mind
Now, on a personal note... I very much look forward to see how this story continues, and I will keep it under guard,
reading new chapters as soon as I can when they appear.
Among other things, I'm curious to see just HOW MUCH damage Alexander can actually make once he's let loose....
I suspect some chaotic battles in the coming chapters..
6982483
Thanks for the comment. I know that I'm going to have the narrator do his fourth wall break less often. I know there was one part in particular that even I had trouble with understanding since I wasn't really paying attention to the fact that he was berating Noel.
As for the thoughts thing, I know that I'm not supposed to include "" marks around a character's thoughts because I've never seen that happen in a professionally done book. When a character is thinking their thoughts are marked in italics only and I've yet to see that implemented otherwise aside from stories on this site.
I do include those quotation marks when it's a character speaking telepathically to another character. I don't include the words being 'spoken' in italics, and I've never seen it done in the few books that I've read that do that, so I'm not sure if I should.
Otherwise, most punctuation is on purpose because I'm fairly laid-back when it comes to that. When I do make a mistake, I would encourage others to point it out in either a comment or send me a PM with the line, and the chapter so I can take a look at it.
There's a reason that I include those line breaks in between paragraphs, I was hoping that it would represent a perspective change whenever I do it, like first person and third person. Sometimes I feel like a first person is okay at times, but since I'm particularly skilled at writing in third person for the most part I think I'll stick to it, especially with this story. I've also heard that I'm not supposed to let the readers know when it's a first person and a third person switch.
However, I'm going to keep what you said in mind for just about everything
Yeah, Alexander is already unhinged due to his nature and the purpose he was created for. Even when he's being kept in check by the Archon or by some other means, he's still dangerous to his allies because remember "He's just as likely to hurt or kill his own allies..." so yeah. When he's not unfettered, he would cause a ton of damage just for the hell of it. You'd be looking at someone who would cause whole worlds to be bathed in blood, and he's the one who destroys those worlds by himself, inch by satisfyingly bloody inch, no matter how long it takes him. In fact, it would take him years and that would just make him happier since the violence only gets to be prolonged.
I was worried about being too descriptive with the hunters when we first meet them, so I'm really glad that I was able to let them evolve throughout the story as you said, just giving people the basics that I felt that they needed to know. The only person I was really worried about at first was Chloe. Her description is the longest, but I once I started describing her I felt that it was too hard to stop at some points because she's so darned interesting to write and think about at times. However, I'm glad I stopped describing her when I did, otherwise she would get too much of the spotlight, and none of us like that.
Once again, I want to thank you for the comment, your advice and I hope you enjoy the future chapters.
P.S. Who is your favorite hunter thus far?
6982842 My bad regarding the thoughts - yes, those are always in italic, NOT in "". However, there were still places where
thoughts were written plainly, like any other text, not in italic, and speech sometimes missed the "", hence the confusion.
This happened quite rarely though as I also pointed out, and the few times it DID, it wasn't story-breakingly bad,
just minor, easily ignored mistakes that would mostly only be noticed during a "Critic" read, not a regular reading session,
so never mind those.
As for fav. hunter... I'd say it's a tie between Noel and Simon for me.
Noel, since he's the one the story has been following mostly,
and thus he's the one I (as a reader) feel the strongest connection to so far.
Simon, I honestly felt genuinely happy for when AJ offered him apple pie.
It was something with how he reacted, almost with a childish happiness, at such simple thing as a pie...
In just a couple of lines, you made it clear that Simon, despite his size and strenght, actually has a huge soft spot too,
which makes me feel he is very similar to ponies like Big Mac, Shining Armor, and Bulk Biceps. (also known as Snowflake.)
You know, the huge white stallion, the YEEEEAH!!! one who ALSO is a big brute with a huge soft spot, as seen in episodes.
Something about Simon reminded me of that. And I've always been a fan of the "Strong outside, soft inside" kind of characters.
6983140
Thanks for your comment, again, especially about Simon. I wanted to make these characters relatable in some way, because despite their jobs requiring them to see and do (subjectively) terrible things on a weekly basis, they're still people on the inside. All hunters have their reasons for being a hunter, whether out of vengeance or a desire to do good, all have their flaws and desires, even if some have been doing this hunter business for a couple of years, decades, or even centuries.
And I think I succeeded in showing that with Simon in this chapter.
You'll have to show me the part that I missed with quotation marks, it is possible I did so on purpose but I'd rather not leave it to chance.
6984011 Like I said, it's a minor mistake, and I can't really pinpoint where it occured without re-reading the entire story to specifically hunt for it, which I don't feel like (or have the time for) doing, so nevermind that.
As for Simon, yes, I see your point and that's exactly what I was thinking as well.
They do a lot of gritty stuff in their jobs, but they ARE still people too, and showing Simons (as I put it earlier) almost child-like glee
at something as mundane and simple as some pie, and an evening with a normal family really shows Simons sensitive side,
and makes him a more believable person. And in contrast to that, you have Alexander...
Who you specifically explain is NOT human, and normally doesn't even have a physical form,
thus he has no need for a "human" side - which makes it possible to make him like you did,
purely insane and basing his entire existense in the sole purpose of killing and destroying anything in his path,
both enemies, friends, and probably civilians too.
Like I've said, I look forwardto see how this story continues, and I'll gladly keep discussing things like this
as the story progresses.
6985312
I see your point, thank you. I know I was reading chapter 4 over and I already caught a mistake that I will fix as soon as I get off work.
I hope to see you comment on further chapters. Should be fun. Also, we all know that shit is gonna go down in chapter 5, one way or another.
6985361 Well, if you want, I can give you a "mini-review" on each chapter, with my thoughts and such on the on-goings of the
chapter, thus keeping our discussions alive
6985381
Up to you, seems best for future chapters but you can do what you want.
6985412 I'm up for it. Maybe not EVERY chapter, but most of them.
6985414
Yay.
"Falx. What's the basic summary of this world?"
Team of hunters kill off an infestation of Mary Sues to prevent total planetary destruction.
"... Fuck this shit I'm out."
Heh heh, yeah, that's probably best considering you're a MS too. Great story by the way Malozi. No, I am not going to stop reading this, I'm just pointing out that Aevum isn't going to stick around in this world you've created. (She's a multiverse traveler that's lived for a long time so she has an actual reason for being OP.)
7009230
They're no longer Mary Sues. They're Lasthzooulas. I've decided to change the name of them.The point still stands however and that's funny.Edit: They're probably going to be called Mary Sues again. Things are weird right now. Ignore the entirety of the comment.
6909995 and giant man eating spiders
And so it begins.
Holy shit! That artwork looks so awesome!
This was good. Can we expect some more Kul'as in the future? Also by Archeon's (i don't think I'm sayong his name right) Earth, does he mean like this earth, where MLP is a show and all that?
7175500
Which art? The art for the characters that I included as links?
7176204
For Kul'as, possibly. But we don't know where he went, probably back to his own Equestria or to wherever those cloaked figures he was allied with are located.
You're close, the Archon doesn't have an 'e' in it. That's not even his real name, as was revealed in this chapter, it's actually his title.
As for the Earth thing, yes and no. This story interacts with two of the books that I am writing. The magic is part of the War of a Thousand Sins series, while the meta-humans are part of the Earth's Resurrection series (though I'm not sure if I'm going to plan more than 2 or 3 books for that one) the WoaTS is going to span at least 9 books, and with this story, is currently set in the fifth book. However, all the events currently happening, probably won't happen in the actual books, referenced, possibly but not a big thing nor will it say that Equestria is involved in any shape or form. In the actual books, yes, it is OUR Earth. MLP is a show there, but in this universe.... Well, I haven't quite decided but so far I'm leaning towards MLP not being a show that existed on Earth, since that makes the most sense. Not sure if I want to say anything more than that.
On another note! I like to think that this chapter spawned a lot more questions and than it did answers. To start in no particular order.
— Who are the meta-humans exactly? We know that they come from an alternate Earth and have advanced technology, and they're allied with the hunters, but that's it.
— These rules that the hunters are supposed to apparently follow; it's keeps coming up. What's up with that? Why were they established? How many rules are there? What are the rules exactly?
— What the hell was Maria's plan EXACTLY? We know she did... something, but we're not sure yet.
— Why the hell did the Archon send Alexander in the first place?
—
The Archon has a daughter? Is she legal?— What does C.D.E. stand for? Is it some kind of other organization? It obviously has some kind of influence if it sent in the titan and has dragons at its command.
I probably forgot other things that could be used as questions. I always forget something.
7177477 thanks. I was asking because I was considering asking you if I could use this universe in a sequel to one of my other stories with a universe killer, and he come to this one slaughtering the Mary Sues that may have escaped to Applelousa
7177575
Go for it, dude.
7177577 thanks. Also wpuld it be canon in this story? Just asking
7177668
If/when you finish it, I might have to take a look at it, but probably? Actually, most likely. If Kul'as ever appears again, it'd be a nice thing to look to and let people know what the hell he's been up to.
7177675 sure. I'll send you a link to the story and what I have planned for this universe in that chapter
7177691
Cool.