Entertaining, but the Mary Sues aren't really acting Mary Sue-ish enough. Like, everyone in Ponyville should be madly in love with them, and their abilities should be totally OP and improbable (your team could have anti-Mary Sue-magic that prevents them from being completely OP in proximity, but if Discord is scared of these guys, we ought to see what they're like against the average pony, or even Celestia and Luna.)
Also, on a personal level, I can't help but be distracted by the character's name because my brother's name is Noel. Though he would definitely hunt down and murder Mary Sues if he had the opportunity. :-)
Team of hunters kill off an infestation of Mary Sues to prevent total planetary destruction.
"... Fuck this shit I'm out."
Heh heh, yeah, that's probably best considering you're a MS too. Great story by the way Malozi. No, I am not going to stop reading this, I'm just pointing out that Aevum isn't going to stick around in this world you've created. (She's a multiverse traveler that's lived for a long time so she has an actual reason for being OP.)
As part of a reading exchange, I intend to make a critical review of every chapter of this story. Why critical? Because I believe one can grow more from a critic than from a praise. This story actually has some strong merits, but I won’t be focusing on those. Instead, I’ll point at the things that I believe can be improved.
Description The description could is in line with the writing. Whoever reads it is about to get served exactly what expected. That's good.
Chapter 1 You’re quite versatile with descriptions. Both with characters and everything else.
I’m sure there are good reasons why stuff is happening, but the therefores don’t really get across to the reader. Stuff happens, characters do some stuff, they talk about stuff. After over 4k words in the first chapter, I know everything about their gear, but very little about what’s even going on in the world.
I have no idea why humans can suddenly use magic and have futuristic weapons. They just do.
Noel already knows Discord from before. It feels like opening a book in the middle and trying to make sense of things. You just can’t because large pieces of information are missing.
I understand that you can’t shove all the lore in the first paragraph, but when you focus so much on describing some details, one wonders if there even is a world building behind it all.
One of the attributes of reading is discovering more and more. Action is often used as a tool to introduce the reader to new elements. You kind of did that with the introduction of the first Mary Sue, but I think you could use it to even greater extent. We don’t learn much about the motives behind Mary Sues. We just see soldiers trying to butcher them, for some reason.
I'm just the narrator and I'm not qualified to release that information because I don't possess it. Besides, I'm just rambling and it's not like we can't just edit this out.
hey you know what I feel like I should narrate that whenever I feel like it, sometimes it's a mouthful. Oh wait right the story!
You know how some things can just break your immersion and throw you out of the story? Yeah…
"One of my hunters is injured! I completely forgot about him!"
If Noel had been paying attention to the man, or gotten to him a few seconds earlier, he most likely would've been able to save him.
"You made a mistake. We all do." Noel nodded. "Yeah, I did.... Well, there's no use dwelling on it."
Some leader he is.
This isn’t the only thing that feels forced and unbelievable. This chapter flows more like a stream of thoughts than a well crafted puzzle.
The story pauses on many occasions and gets lost in the details. Some details are important when they affect the story at large. Yet, many of the described details are just there for their own sake. You could remove many of them and the story wouldn’t suffer.
For instance, the whole interaction with Minuette is just inserted there. It’s not evident why. If Noel acted the part, he’d just ignore her. Not sure what Minuette gout out of it, either. It all feels like this: pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw10515_small.jpg
A current idea thrown into text. Maybe this will all play out in the next chapters, but even if it will be meaningful, it doesn’t really flow natural.
I reread my stories at least 50 times before I publish them. I’d be willing to bet that this story hasn’t received such a treatment. Some sentences are a bit clumsy. Some words repeat within the same paragraphs
On a good note, you’re not lacking ideas. Some writers have a hard time coming down with 1k words. You’re not one of them. If you put a harness on your wild imagination, you could get far.
Entertaining, but the Mary Sues aren't really acting Mary Sue-ish enough. Like, everyone in Ponyville should be madly in love with them, and their abilities should be totally OP and improbable (your team could have anti-Mary Sue-magic that prevents them from being completely OP in proximity, but if Discord is scared of these guys, we ought to see what they're like against the average pony, or even Celestia and Luna.)
Also, on a personal level, I can't help but be distracted by the character's name because my brother's name is Noel. Though he would definitely hunt down and murder Mary Sues if he had the opportunity. :-)
So what exactly are the Mary Sues trying to do? What's their goal? How can you tell one apart from a normal person? Are they aliens?
I love this story. Wait, can we give suggestions as to M.S? I have so many ideas
"Falx. What's the basic summary of this world?"
Team of hunters kill off an infestation of Mary Sues to prevent total planetary destruction.
"... Fuck this shit I'm out."
Heh heh, yeah, that's probably best considering you're a MS too. Great story by the way Malozi. No, I am not going to stop reading this, I'm just pointing out that Aevum isn't going to stick around in this world you've created. (She's a multiverse traveler that's lived for a long time so she has an actual reason for being OP.)
And so it begins.
As part of a reading exchange, I intend to make a critical review of every chapter of this story. Why critical? Because I believe one can grow more from a critic than from a praise. This story actually has some strong merits, but I won’t be focusing on those. Instead, I’ll point at the things that I believe can be improved.
Description
The description could is in line with the writing. Whoever reads it is about to get served exactly what expected. That's good.
Chapter 1
You’re quite versatile with descriptions. Both with characters and everything else.
There is still some room for improvement, though. For one, I think you could profit from reading this thread:
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/916/school-for-new-writers/thread/256333/pro-tipfield-trip-the-power-of-but-and-therefore
I’m sure there are good reasons why stuff is happening, but the therefores don’t really get across to the reader. Stuff happens, characters do some stuff, they talk about stuff. After over 4k words in the first chapter, I know everything about their gear, but very little about what’s even going on in the world.
I have no idea why humans can suddenly use magic and have futuristic weapons. They just do.
Noel already knows Discord from before. It feels like opening a book in the middle and trying to make sense of things. You just can’t because large pieces of information are missing.
I understand that you can’t shove all the lore in the first paragraph, but when you focus so much on describing some details, one wonders if there even is a world building behind it all.
One of the attributes of reading is discovering more and more. Action is often used as a tool to introduce the reader to new elements. You kind of did that with the introduction of the first Mary Sue, but I think you could use it to even greater extent. We don’t learn much about the motives behind Mary Sues. We just see soldiers trying to butcher them, for some reason.
You know how some things can just break your immersion and throw you out of the story? Yeah…
Some leader he is.
This isn’t the only thing that feels forced and unbelievable. This chapter flows more like a stream of thoughts than a well crafted puzzle.
The story pauses on many occasions and gets lost in the details. Some details are important when they affect the story at large. Yet, many of the described details are just there for their own sake. You could remove many of them and the story wouldn’t suffer.
For instance, the whole interaction with Minuette is just inserted there. It’s not evident why. If Noel acted the part, he’d just ignore her. Not sure what Minuette gout out of it, either. It all feels like this:
pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw10515_small.jpg
A current idea thrown into text. Maybe this will all play out in the next chapters, but even if it will be meaningful, it doesn’t really flow natural.
I reread my stories at least 50 times before I publish them. I’d be willing to bet that this story hasn’t received such a treatment. Some sentences are a bit clumsy. Some words repeat within the same paragraphs
On a good note, you’re not lacking ideas. Some writers have a hard time coming down with 1k words. You’re not one of them. If you put a harness on your wild imagination, you could get far.