- Member Since 8th Mar, 2012
- offline last seen Nov 8th, 2022
Zantetsuken
The only "fanfiction writer" who doesn't know how to write.
Zantetsuken
Joined 8th Mar, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- PsychFE · 7.1k words · 9 4 · 316 views
- DerpyDaringDitzyDoo · 14k words · 23 9 · 1.2k views
- Cloverwing · 39k words · 24 13 · 1.4k views
- Dice Warwick · 9.6k words · 27 10 · 1.2k views
- Ravvij · 2.3k words · 25 20 · 1.4k views
- The Amateur · 61k words · 31 6 · 1.3k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.11 seconds
Total duration
774 users online
1,086,370 hits today, 2,244,100 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Sleeper agents. They always get us every time...
This story blows.
I have not finished FOE yet but I thoroughly enjoyed this please keep writing!
=)
Got to say i'm impressed. It's better than mine keep up the good work!
Wow that was really embarrassing to read. Did the entire universe have to cave to it own stupidity just to accommodate your pathetic Pony-sues? The same pony who sold her friend up the river in the first place suddenly killing the others to protect the same friend who clearly committed treason is highly unbelievable. Like, how are we suppose to empathize with these characters and their desperate need to escape when their has been no indication thus far that the stables, and its leaders are oppressive are even bad in the first place. Not to mention number of plot convenient things that allows the characters to get away like dad conveniently having a rare stealth buck on hand, main characters never miss there targets, a pony actually throwing a loaded gun instead of shooting it? REALLY!? These chapters are poor edited and unnecessary long as most of the pointless dialog could be easily removed without interfering with the story line. On the flipside, the story is extremely lacking in detail despite how long it is; we don't even know what half of the pony even looked like. The writing is primitive, and even the profanity comes of as tasteless and completely uncreative. Lastly these characters are completely generic, painfully boring, and heartbreaking unrelatable; Mary Sues to the max who get the way just because the story permits it.
2/10 This story is hot trash.
Looks interesting.
Hopefully, somepony will listen to Golden and Seren in Stable 64...
Not too bad. You definitely got me intrigued. Now I must contemplate to either sleep, or continue reading... Eh, who needs sleep anyway?
5778634
I'd have to argue against your comment here. Yes, I understand why her father having a StealthBuck is a bit farfetched, but it still makes some sense of how he could have attained it, or why he has it. Remember that room he was talking about? Y'know, the one he was fortifying. Who says that he didn't happen to come across one in there? The room itself has some sort of significance, otherwise, it wouldn't have been mentioned. There's also the fact that Seren's mother was on security and died in a "horrible accident". Maybe her mother committed treason like Seren did and was put to death. She had the StealthBuck to use in her "mission" or whatever she was doing, but since her plan never went into action, the StealthBuck was left with her husband. Her father could have thought it was a misunderstanding and, therefore, considering it an accident. Now, onto the part about the bullets always hitting, it happens. Seren was in the confined halls of a Stable during the majority of the chapter and due to the fact that every shot she took wasn't too much of a long shot, it'd make sense for her to hit her mark. And as for a pony throwing a gun, I'm not too sure what you're talking about there...
Now, the detail in the story isn't too bad. Does it really matter what the characters attacking her look like? No. You don't need that much detail. There's also the fact that just about everybody knows what a Stable already looks like from the original FoE, or one of the Fallout games. The author performs descriptions when needed and that is good. Overall, the writing wasn't half bad either. It kept me thoroughly entertained throughout the narrative. While some of the dialogue could have been removed, I say it's good to keep the dialogue the author currently has. It adds realism to the story and makes the characters seem more like actual people (well, ponies in this case...). Now, for the editing you call "poor". To make me take you serious on that comment, next time, actually use correct grammar in your comment. Heck, I'm typing this on my phone and I'm still using correct grammar.
Onto the reason for leaving: yes, the leader of the Stable was good. However, you try doing the same thing over and over again every day of your life and still say you're contempt with that. I'm pretty sure that Golden was forced to work in Maintenance ever since she was old enough to work. Especially because her mother was the head of it! Wouldn't you just love to do something you were forced into for the rest of your life? Man, it sure sounds fun!
Lastly, you mention how the characters are generic and are overall Mary Sues. That, once again, is wrong. If they were Mary Sues, absolutely nothing bad would've happened to them. Honestly, I'm actually kinda thinking that you're a troll now with how much you hated on this story whenever it didn't really deserve that much hate. With that, I'll end my comment. Good day, sir.
Your book has been advertised on the new facebook group page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/foebooks/ :)
Could be better. This story suffers from a lack of originality, mainly centering around creating a character the author would most likely want to be. In order to make a good character, they have to have faults. You can't see yourself in the character if they're perfect, or just randomly godlike in their abilities. A story is about the rise of a hero and their trials, not about a superhero who was instantly invincible. They have to fail, they have to falter. They have to have a conflict with not only the world around them but themselves. This lacks that. I see a super mare who has no reason to be super. Being the main character should not warrant godlike abilities. Prove to me that they earned this ability, or even justify why they have them to begin with.
You become a hero, not born one.
And don't get me started on the villain... Lord have mercy this is a bad one. I already ripped apart the hero, so I'm done with the harsh words.
Now, with that out of the way, I do have some good things to says about this. The writing style is good, and although the plot needs work, it at least shows the basics as far as the writers ability to keep a stable narrative. In my eyes, the story is dead; unsavable. But! I do believe the author has the potential to create something better; something free from these sadly key flaws that only persist because of lack of experience.
I don't want to be rude, or mean, or anything like that, but I say move on from this lost cause. Move onto something better that I know you can do. Granted, this story does have the potential to be salvaged to... passable, levels, I still believe you should cut your losses and try again—move on from this practice piece.
This is the definition of it's not the author, it's the story.
~ Neon Lights
6902497 thank you for the feedback... I may just take your advice and end it... I've been quite unsure of things lately.
6902619 If you take one thing to heart from me, be it that I mean none of this in a bad way. You have talent, and I don't mean to undermine it with my words of criticism. It hurts me when I have to say this, but I truly do feel that, if you step away, a fresh start with what you have learned from this story will give way to something amazing, something I know I'll read without a second thought. I never meant to make you feel bad or damnage you as an author, but I know there is no way around it. Don't lose faith in yourself or your abilities; learn from your practice run and bring forth something greater from the ashes.
I now follow you and await future content. If you stop here, then I know I've failed and done the one thing I never want to do to an author, and that is to make them loose faith in either themselves or their ability. I only wish to help, even if that help hurts.
Keep on going, my friend. I have faith.
~ Neon Lights
6902725 Thank you... It may take me a while to construct something new... I'm not sure if it will be Fallout Equestria. Maybe a mystery story... I really like that stuff.