Of Angels
There are days when I hate my name. You call me Angel, and I feel sick. It’s not you I’m angry at, though. It’s me. I stole the name, and it makes my skin crawl.
I’ve tried to be more deserving. You know as well as I do that it hasn’t been easy. As my age caught up to me, it just got worse; never satisfied, picky, grumping about every little thing. It must be hard for you.
Why is it the worst things always come from the best intentions? You probably should have called me ‘Devil.’ Yet no matter how much I deserved such a moniker, I know you never thought of me that way. I was always ‘Angel.’ Hearing you call me that with your ‘oh-so-sweet’ voice makes me want to rip my ears off. All these years I was trying to toughen you up, and you call me something I’m not.
What makes an angel? Is it wings and a halo? Is it good deeds, a gentle touch, beauty? I’ve thought on that long and hard. I wanted to be your angel. You deserved the best.
I don’t need to tell you that the average rabbit only lives three years in the wild. You’ve kept me going for five. Five years trying to figure out how to live up to my name. Trying and failing. It’s frustrating. I had so much I wanted to do, and strong legs to do it. Now I have to rely on the other animals to get around. I had a goal, a dream, and now…
I can’t describe to you how much I wanted to be your Angel. I had my good days. Well, more bad than good, really, but you always forgave me and treated me with the utmost kindness, kindness I sure as hay didn’t deserve. I’m a jerk most of the time. I’m well aware of it. Sometimes I have a reason for it, but lots of times I just… mess up.
I mess up a lot.
I’m not your Angel. You never seemed to understand that.
I’m going to tell you a little something that I’ve always wanted to tell you, and then maybe you’ll understand.
What is your very first memory? The first smell, sound, sight? The first feeling? Is it a happy memory? I hope so.
The first sound I can recall is a hunting cry. I think it must have been a hawk.
The first sensation was pain, the first smell of blood.
These things lasted in my mind. I don’t know why the bird didn’t eat me right there, or why it left me alone. I’ve always wondered about that. It’s one of those things that I always look back on. By all rights I should be in bunny heaven. Or perhaps Tartarus, come to think of it. If they would have me.
I was cold. It was late spring, and I was cold. The grass poked my face like little daggers. I couldn’t move. It hurt too much. I didn’t understand my situation just then, not really. The sun was burning on my back but my body still felt cold. I was scared and confused. Not that I knew anything back then. I was only a kit, after all.
At some point I realized I was still bleeding. I could feel a sting in my chest every time I breathed. I don’t really know how bad it was.
There was movement. I looked out beyond the grass daggers, and I thought I could see buildings. Of course, they might have been mountains for all I knew. The important thing was the colors: blues, greens, purples, whites, yellows, oranges, all moving around in a blur. It took time for my vision to clear and recognize the blurs as creatures.
I didn’t know they were ponies. I didn’t know if they were nice or mean or if they ate little rabbits like me. All I knew was that they were there. Right there. I wanted to call to them, but I could make no sounds. Trying to move just led to more pain. Even so, I tried. I don’t think I got one step closer.
I called, shouted, screamed, but it was all silent. They walked right on by, not even noticing. I couldn’t have been ten steps away, but I might as well have been invisible.
It’s amazing, how much I remember of that time. Even more amazing is the clarity of thought.
I stopped calling for them. I just lay there, watching them walk by. I know I cried, but I couldn’t sob; every time I did, my chest burned. So I lay, and I cried, and I watched, and I hurt.
How cruel. That’s what ran through my mind: the world is cruel. There I was, a little baby rabbit barely grown into his fur, and already I lay at death’s door.
Am I so insignificant? Am I that unimportant to them?
I’m here.
I’m alive.
Please, I’m still alive!
I wanted somepony to hold me. I amwas so scared. Why wouldn’t they just look at me?
Please, stop. Look at me. Acknowledge me. Talk to me, pet me, comfort me.
Why won’t they comfort me?
It’s so horribly lonesome in the cold. The grass kept poking me, little taunting daggers. The sun still digging into my back.
They’re so colorful. Like a cruel rainbow. How could they just ignore me?
The same phrases ran through my head again and again:
I exist.
Somepony, please, just acknowledge my existence. At least give me that.
I hated them. I hate them so much. Even at this age, their cold indifference chills me worse than the lingering talons of death. I wish they were in my place so I could ignore them!
They deserve it, the bastards. All of them. Colorful, smiling bastards.
The sun’s going down. Back then, I knew that when it disappeared, so would I. Being alone in a place so full of life is maddening. I grew just a little crazy. I guess it was the perfect time to look at myself.
Why was I even there? Why? Had I just appeared in that exact place in time, my sole purpose in life to die? Maybe some great bunny in heaven sent me there, just so I could come right back and tell him what the world looked and felt and smelled like. It wouldn’t have been a happy report.
To this day, I don’t know if I was dreaming or not. Perhaps you know. All I can say for sure is that the sun was just barely over the horizon… then it was gone. I thought I was dead. It was certainly colder, but the light didn’t fade. That was when I saw the most beautiful thing ever. It was yellow. It was pink. It glowed orange like a million suns. I heard a voice, and it ran through me like a cool stream in a parched desert.
I drank.
I drank.
I drank so much of that voice.
It lifted me away from the daggers and cradled me in the downy wings of heaven. I didn’t feel pain anymore, and the vicious light drifted away. The calm waters of the voice tickled my ears, and I rocked to the lullaby of Elysium.
You can’t know the pleasure, the cool calmness or the sweet nectar of an angel. I was swimming in the most pristine of waters, flying in the clearest air, sleeping on the softest bed. No more fear, no more hurt, no more anger. Just me, the darkness and a velvety voice.
You see, I’ve met an angel. I was saved by an angel. I was cared for, nursed back to life and given a home by an angel. I live my life every single day in debt to an angel. An angel so incredible, it even gave me its name.
This is why I hate my name, and love my name. I’ve tried so hard to live up to it, and now I know I never will. I will never be an angel. The things that I saw, those first terrible, precious memories were my answer all along. I know what an angel is, and it is not me.
But I will be your Angel. I understand it now. You gave me your title because you wanted me to be blessed. And I am. I am so blessed. I am far more blessed than any bunny, than any being on this earth deserves to be blessed. You’ve been so patient with me, accepting my many flaws despite me being intolerant of your friends.
Even though I took your name.
I will hold onto it. I have been Angel, and I will be Angel. It is the one great reminder of who I should be.
Your other name, the one that you go by in this world… well, I suppose it is fitting.
But to me, you will always be an angel who is too kind to an undeserving little whelp of a rabbit.
Someday, maybe I will earn this name.
Someday, I hope to make you proud that you gave it to me.
Someday.
—AB
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Wonderful to see it released :D
I think Discord's text works about as well as any - completely random, and usually incoherent. I'm glad I got to help out.
This was awesome. Very "out of the box" style. While the colored text may be distracting / irritating to some, I certainly understand why it is essential.
I loved the "Flowers to Algernon" kind of journal story as well. Angel is definitely sapient, and I can only imagine how difficult the parts we don't get to read were if he was that bad at the beginning.
Very impactful. I think you did a great job with this. And I say this as someone who hates angel bunny a lot, you managed to really portray him sympathetically.
5677459
It is, isn't it? May we work together again in the future.
5677561
Yeah, I admit that colors aren't always the best way to go, but I can think of no better way to handle a story written in this particular style. Anyway, glad you enjoyed it.
5677570
"I hate Angel Bunny" is the #2 reason I expect this story to either get a lot of hate or just be ignored, the colors being #1. I'm glad that it was able to reach past your disapproval of him in general.
You never cease to amaze me, Paul. While I wish the first chapter had more than dialogue, the exposition in this chapter is just perfect if not a bit cynical. Thanks for getting me through enrichment period today xD
5677877
You are more than welcome.
This was such a good read. It was smart, insightful in many ways, and it applied a beautiful character to one who may have even been hated before. I absolutely LOVE it!
Glad you got this through, I'd have no idea how you'd get the same impact without the colours.
5678481
Many thanks! This story was almost more trouble than it was worth, but I'm glad to see it so well received.
5678489
I had an idea, and it may have worked well, but it would have been absolutely nothing like this.
Wow, that was amazing. Fantastic job once again, Paul. You've got a knack for writing characters that are generally disliked (Angel, Lightning Dust) and making them incredibly loveable characters.
First off, I would have really liked to see more interaction between Angel and Spike; their respective dynamics with their respective ponies would have been an interesting thing to compare and contrast, and what little you gave me left me wanting more.
Second off, the lengthy author's note in between the first and second chapter breaks the flow of the story, and kills the momentum. I don't see any reason why you couldn't just put both the notes after the final chapter.
Third off, I didn't care all that much for your portrayal of Discord. To me, it felt like you were writing him as a male version of Pinkie Pie.
That being said, when you hear back from EQD on Foundations, definitely consider sending this in.
rack.0.mshcdn.com/media/ZgkyMDEzLzA3LzE4LzA5L2NvbXB1dGVyY3J5LjlkN2YyLmdpZgpwCXRodW1iCTEyMDB4OTYwMD4/5d099cc0/309/computer-crying.gif
This was beautiful.
Feels!
I'm really happy with how this turned out. I always try to cut so much stuff out of your stories in editing (and at least one major plot change per story so far I think), but you always spin it back into a great piece of work that gets to me in the end. Again, thanks so much for sharing!
5679856
In case you missed it.
Seeing your point, I went ahead and moved the original Author's Note to the second chapter. Also, I was aware of the potential between Spike and Angel, but I figured that I'd offered enough and didn't want to really stretch things out longer than I already had. Plus, I could see no way to slip in a final interaction without it feeling forced or, worse, spoiling the contents of the letter.
5679318
Those are my favorite challenges, to be honest.
5679877
*hands a tissue* Thanks.
5680438
And thank you for the assistance. The first part of this story was in heavy need of modification, and I knew that well before I asked you to take a look.
Your Discord may have been a little weak, but he wasn't the point of this story, Angel was. And Angel was nothing short of amazing.
5680603
I saw it. Just wanted to let you know why I didn't like your Discord. And I was actually a little surprised at my reaction to Spike. Considering he's one of my least favorite characters. I don't know how you did it, but you made me want more Spike.
5681096
On that note, I'm considering adding to my list of potential stories as sequel where Spike decides to follow in angel's footsteps, if you will. Another one of those 'I may never write it, but the idea's there' kind of things.
This made me nearly tear up a bit.
This is a great story that you've shared with us, thank you.
That made me tear up in a good way. Absolutely amazing concept. I think you did Discord just fine, personally.
Great story, Paul.
5682562
That's good to know. Yours is an opinion I highly value.
Wow... just wonderful
p.s.;feels!!!
Beautiful story, touching. I really liked your portrayal of Angel, giving him depth without being apologetic. This deserves a lot more recognition.
wonderful story. it's very rare to get to look at Angel as something more than a 1-dimensional pet/sidekick
and though its not as uncommon, I enjoyed the writing of Twilight as an encouraging and patient teacher
Bittersweet. I like that. Again, magnificent idea and wonderful portrayal of the characters.
Yes. Even Discord. He was random and silly, and his interaction with Angel was very realistic. (And we need more Angel and Spike.)
I loved getting into Angel's thoughts here. I loved seeing them through the lessons, and I loved seeing them in the journal entry he finally writes. The descriptions were so very vivid, and they really drew me into the story. Very well done.
Day after God damned day. All it gets is worse.
To anyone who instantly dislikes this story just because Angel, I would urge you to give it another chance.
This fic, while short, is incredibly well written. Above all, it stirred my emotions in a beautiful way. I'm talking of a "My Little Dashie" feel (before the critics ruined it for you).
Seriously; this a an amazing piece of work. Liked and Faved.
Absolutely beautiful.
I like Angel. I always found him funny, and thought he can be mean, I think Opalescence deserves the hate he gets. This story is a true masterpiece. Thank you for writing it.
Dammit, I failed my perception check! Didn't see does damned onion chopping ninjas sneaking up to me!
In a more serious note, that story was just adorable! Thank you for sharing this gem with us!
5800220
I knew hiring them would pay dividends! So expensive, but so worth it.
Glad to see this story getting some love. My feed today showed Badseed giving it a big ol' review. Again, nice work, Paul!
5802095
And it was an overwhelmingly positive one, too! It's good to see it doing so well, especially after how doubtful I was when I first started it.
Beautiful, and so sad, in all the right ways.
Thank you. I am better for having read this.
This was lovely. I'm more of an Angel fan than most (which means "any sort of Angel fan at all", I suppose) so I'm always delighted to find a story that takes him seriously. Probably some people will find the last part on the sappy side. Even if it is, it's wonderful at the same time, so I don't care. I'm still not sure about the coloured text: yes, it's clearly fitting for a "journal" story, but your voices are good enough that I barely needed the colours anyway!
The one thing I didn't really enjoy was the stuff involving Discord "speaking" over others. It's perfectly in character, but it was a real chore to decipher, and I dared not skim that in case something vital lurked within. All I felt when it was over was relief, because I could get back to the rest of the fic. That, as I say, was fantastic. A very satisfying and worthwhile Angel story.
Well, I was due for a good cry, anyway.
5815245
Your comment on the 'voices' in the first chapter has been echoed by more than a few. While it makes me happy, it also makes me question if the whole battle with the mods over it was even necessary. Oh well, it's over and done. I'm just glad people are enjoying it so much.
5822065 I didn't realise you'd had to fight to get it through. Ah well, it worked out in the end, I guess, and the result was a good story, which is the most important thing.
Beautiful. Absolutely nothing short of beautiful.
Love the concept of the story. Love the first chapter. The actual message? Eh . . . Kinda predictable. Still worthwhile, but the main draw was and remains the concept.
Damn that brings the feels.
'I wanted somepony to hold me. I
amwas so scared.'Is that an intentional freudian slip? Given that the letter hints at angel's old age few times.
If so it's a very subtle and beautiful touch to the story, you deserve another cookie dear Sir.
6179630
You are correct. I thought about adding more of those, but decided less is more.
6180066
Oh, I am glad you didn't. That would destroy subtly i think.
It's perfect like this.
I wrote a critique/review of this story; it can be found over here.
Wow . . . I am very sad now.
Good job.
A very, very interesting and unique concept here. Normally I'm not a fan of formatting tricks in storytelling, but this one worked and didn't feel like it got in the way of the story at all. The message at the end was poignant as well. Great job!
Hah, this was really beautiful. :)