- Member Since 26th Oct, 2014
- offline last seen February 7th
ShadoAnnaru
I'm the shadow that lurks...You seen me but you never truly known me...Maybe it's about time you did. Sometimes it's nice to keep in touch with random people...they become some of your closest friends
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*Cracks knuckles* No promises!
Chapter 1: Four Years Ago
Good describing of the environment the character is in. You can write a good first person narrative. I've only really got one complaint for this one. It really didn't compel me to read the next chapter. The first chapter is always crucial, hooking readers to continue reading the story. This didn't hook me. But, because two chapters were released at once, I assume that the next chapter is meant to hook me.
Chapter 2: Start of a New Beginning
...So...the beginning of a beginning...okay...
Don't pay any mind to that, I just found the title a bit odd. Could just be me.
Maybe 'irises' would be a better word than 'pupils'. Or just 'eyes'.
Her muzzle has an eyebrow? Odd.
...Let's get this out of the way real quick.
Character speech has three main uses: developing their character, developing relationships with other characters, and pushing the narrative forwards. You're doing those three things just fine. But you need to keep something in mind when writing the lines of a specific character, especially on you're using a character that somebody else has created and written lines for in their own work: keep them in character. Just ask yourself, 'would Rainbow Dash say this?' Seriously, would you ever hear Rainbow Dash in the show saying something like 'which brings me to my earlier question', or 'snippy', or 'seeing as you'? I don't think so.
Alright, be a dick about it.
Oh, okay.
...Having your OC being a smartass to a fan loved character isn't helping anybody like your OC. Even if you give it a half assed excuse like 'he's tired'. The point is that this is the first time we're seeing him/her (I seriously have no idea) interact with somepony else for the first time.
The fuck is the special talent of a pony named 'Shadow Heart'? Fluttershy: Flutter, like butterflies, a creature she cares for among others. Rarity: can find gemstones. Applejack: Apples, good at applebucking. What's Shadow Heart's special talent? Brooding? And for the love of God, please tell me he's not another black and red OC.
...Sorry, I got a little heated. Anyway:
Only if you feel that the plot hasn't moved forwards or the characters haven't had any significant developments with each other. Word count doesn't really matter.
Annnnd that's it! All in all, I'm diggin' it. Not lovin' it, but diggin' it. Favorited and Liked. Keep it up.
5621327 Thanks. I might not be a writer but I want my story to be the best it can be.
Yeah, I actually hate writing because I can never really get hang of techniques like this. The only reason I'm doing this is because I need to vent out this depression somehow. Might as well try to do something constructive with it.
Yes, "beginning of a new beginning". I did that on purpose.
I should really study up on anatomy. This is just my ignorance showing. I wanted to look smart and not use "eyes". I'll be changing it to "irises", thanks.
Now you know I'm not really familiar with the human anatomy. That also means my knowledge of pony anatomy is lacking. I'm guessing "muzzle" is mouth-specific rather than face-specific. Going to try to look up a different word right now. EDIT: Grr, all I can get right now is "face".
I just worried that I would be repeating the same words too much.
I hoping that my version of Dash wouldn't look so Out Of Character so early. I guess I failed in that regard. In my mind, she might not be as smart as Twilight but she's not stupid. I'm guessing she's coming along as too formal and educated. But I do remember that she reads books. Just saying.
Yeah, you're not supposed to exactly like him...at all. I almost lost some of my friends when my ex left me with how I was acting. I guess you could say it's my way of making sure he's not a Mary Stu. I should've made it clear what gender he was. There's a big reason why he's acting the way he is, and it's not from lack of sleep. The way I'm planning to write this is that I'll be revealing more and more details about him as the story goes on. I mean, I already dropped big hints on what type of pony he might be. Notice how I haven't been using the word "feathers"?
This goes with what I said before. I'm actually going to talk about his talent in the upcoming 3rd chapter. Trust me, it'll make more sense why his name is the way it is. I'm also not really that creative with coming up names, much less pony names. I mean c'mon, the best I can come up with for a nickname of a Magnemite is "Magneto". Plus I want to make fun little jokes like "Mister Heart" (from Fist of the North Star) and "Blackheart" (from Marvel). And uh...that'll be a little hard, since black and red are my favorite colors.
I'm hoping I can find an artist soon to better represents what he looks like. I'm hoping he doesn't look TOO generic that it's a turn-off.
Thanks, this is what exactly what I'm asking for. I can only get better from here, hopefully.
Will review and point stuff out when not so sleep deprived, I promise.
5622507 That'll be much appreciated. Not going to hold my breath, seeing that you have insomnia.
I just noticed I missed editing in a very important detail in the first chapter...well, fuck. I'll update it when I get the 3rd chapter up soon. This bodes well, doesn't it?
After completing the first chapter. these are my thoughts:
If there is one thing you do very. very well: It's descriptions. You do a magnificent job at describing the surroundings of the town and immersing the reader into the plight of the character. The sadness the character feels is very real, and we can tell that our main character is trying to put their troubled past behind them. Their recent troubled past.
What I feel this chapter does not do, that it severely needed to do, was describe who our main protagonist is more. You insure to make note of the heart shaped cutie mark, their pegasus wings, but things such as gender and colors are missing. I'm part of the team that claims that there is nothing wrong with writing OC's if you make sure they are just as real and vivid as the other characters. I only hope you can focus on bringing this character to life in future parts.
Technically, there is a mess of comma issues in this story. Commas actually have very specific rules on how they should be used. They are not placed whenever you want the reader to have a pause. (My English teacher lied to me as well.) I'd heavily recommend researching that.
A teeny tiny thing- tabs at the beginning of each paragraph would be nice.
Last but not least, there is a lot of subtle things happening here, and you've set up the plot to begin unfurling, but for an introductory chapter, this feels short. I'm hoping our main character can get some dialogue in the second part. This is a little slow, but by no means terrible.
Well, here are my thoughts on Chapter 2:
I asked for dialogue and did I get dialogue. A lot of it. In fact. I would say, copious amounts. There is so much dialogue in this chapter, that descriptions are pretty neglected. Little things such as describing facial feature changes between sentences, how someone reacts when someone says something (and you do have some this, but I mean, little things, not just the big things), or even how they change when they say something. Rainbow dash is notorious for this. Frequently, writers have her strike poses when she wants to say something cool or look awesome to impress someone.
The other problem with having such a dialogue heavy chapter is how difficult it is to follow. Please, I implore you to add "I said", "Rainbow said" at bare minimum. Not to every single line, but enough to let a reader be able to pick up and put down the story and not have to read it entirely in one sitting to remember who is talking. To take it the next step further, Have "I replied" or "Rainbow bragged" or "She thundered" to add some implicit descriptions on how they characters are saying something. A little goes a long way in this department and I wholeheartedly suggest it.
I'm going to tell you something that you might already know, but a character named 'Shadow Heart' is going to catch a TON of flak. I mean, a TON. It's an extremely generic name and it doesn't sound like someone from the show. I'm not quite sure what to say here, especially if you are dead set on the name. If you are, then by all means, keep your artistic integrity and have the name as is. However, I feel more readers will take the story seriously if it were different.
There aren't any major technical issues in this part. It's very clear that you do a very thorough job editing and that's a really good thing. Props to that and be sure to keep doing that in the future. Once again, I recommend tabbing your paragraphs.
You also have a pretty good personification of Rainbow Dash. I would suggest refraining from using bits of signature dialogue from the show, because it can become distracting to the reader. The "Are you a spy?" line wasn't necessarily out of place, but it was jarring to see.
Something that I think you could work on adding is including more of that main character is thinking or pondering what they want to say. I think having moments like these is going to be critical down the line when they choose to decide what details about their troubled past they want to include or not include.
The last thing I want to comment on, is the only thing that kept me from liking this story. One single part. I want you to guess what it is before I tell you what it is.
“Oh yeah, I forgot. Name’s Rainbow Dash. You can call me Kickass McAwesometown.”
I have no idea if this is the reference to the other story that you mentioned in the Author's Note, but this doesn't fit Rainbow Dash in the slightest. The reference is lost on me and I generally come from a camp where Ponies rarely swear. To add this non-nonchalantly in conversation just feels wrong to me. If you had "Your Awesomeness", then I probably wouldn't be as upset, but this just doesn't even remotely fit the tone that you are trying to produce.
5628738 Thanks. I'm glad it didn't look like it was simply "purple prose".
The lack of description is a path I'm taking. I'll be revealing more and more how he looks like in the upcoming chapters. It is in first-person, so I feel that him describing himself explicitly is jarring, since he himself would know what he looks like since birth. Don't worry, by the 4th chapter, you will have a complete description of the guy. I actually didn't state they were pegasus wings. Notice the lack of using the word "feathers"?
Ugh. I was hoping my English skills would be good enough. I hate English, to be honest. I'm only writing because I need some way to vent out my depression. But I'll look into that.
So you're actually advocating for indents here. Interesting. A lot of stories I read actually didn't really had indents, but if you think it would help, I'll do it. It just looks odd to me.
Yeah, writing this and reading this feels different. I'm actually really worried about word count because in my first draft, it barely reached 1500 words. Most stories I see have 3000-4500 words, and I want to fit that standard. Writing takes so long for me, yet reading it makes me feel it is short. Hopefully the 3rd chapter isn't too short for you by then.
5628839 Yeah, I noticed that AFTER I posted it. I'm trying to fix that in the later chapters. It's also a good way to build up word count to satisfy my worries.
Damn, another thing I thought I was doing well in. So I should keep reminding the reader who is who in the conversation. Good to know. I'll try to implement that in the upcoming chapters. I just felt I would be repeating myself and run out of synonyms to use. I should build up my thesaurus...
Yeah, I know. There are good reasons for it though. I'm not really creative with names, much less pony names. The best name I can come up for Magnemite is "Magneto". Second, I am dead set on the name. It represents his appearance, his personality and everything. It sounds generic, yeah, but he embodies this. You'll understand when you get the full image of him. Third, I want to make little jokes about his name like calling him "Mr. Heart" (from First of the North Star) and "Blackheart" (from Marvel).
Thanks. I'm surprised somebody noticed that this isn't exactly my first draft of the chapter I'm posting. How do you even do that? And you still want indents, ok.
Yeah, even I felt it was a little weird. I just wanted to remind the reader that this was Rainbow Dash he was talking to. My version of Rainbow Dash might not be smart like Twilight, but she isn't stupid. I did this because I think people would feel that this isn't Dash if I didn't.
You're right, I should. Since this is going to be the major conflict in this story, I should put more emphasis on his thoughts. Thanks for reminding me to not lose myself in what other things may be happening. yes, it is critical and will show who he decides to trust. Trust is a very big issue for him right now, and hopefully I will be able to explain that in my story.
I have a pretty good idea what it is, considering how you're ordering your comment.
Yeah...I'm not exactly proud of that. There's going to be some cursing but I'm going to try to keep it to a minimum. Yes, it was a reference to the story I linked. I just really liked the story it referenced and I thought that part would fit Rainbow Dash. I noticed that it actually didn't and you caught on to that. I'm not sure if I want to change it though. But you're right, "Your Awesomeness" sounds a lot more fitting.
Really, thank you a lot for doing this. I hope you can stick around and help me improve.
Epic
5630014 Thank you for your kind words. The first few chapters are going to be kinda slow, since I want to do some world-building and stuff, but it'll get to the meaty stuff soon.
And I mean "meaty" in more ways than one.
I have no idea why, but that gotta laugh outta me.
I don't care what you say; I'll always see his cutie mark as this:
img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20131009203925/pewdiepie/images/3/32/Heartless_Symbol.jpg
Brownie points if you know what that is.
I'm not gonna think too hard about what he pulled that out of.
media.giphy.com/media/A6xEqKDFfpuYU/giphy.gif
Anyways, I liked it. Looking forwards to the next chapter!
5630790 I'm on the same boat. I don't even remember where that line came from. I just remembered a deep voice saying it.
Sure, imagine that, just with a band-aid over it. And it's from Kingdom Hearts. "Darkness is the heart's true essence." Kinda funny as him becoming a heartless makes a lot of sense in my mind. Now give me those brownies!
Yeah, you shouldn't overthink it less you get an aneurysm. I imagined that every pony has this ability of "hammerspace". I mean, where does Spike even get the quill and parchment? That gif made me laugh.
Thanks. The first few chapters will be a little slow, since I want to do some world-building, but hopefully you'll still be here as things pick up speed.
Ooo, can't wait!
5633533 It's nice to see a comment like this on my story. You may not know it, and I didn't either but I do know now: comments like these help a writer have more drive to write chapters.
It's really nice of you to say this, as simple as it is, and I only hope that what I write is something you can enjoy. Really, thank you.
Now I need to get back and write! 
*Splutters incoherently*- you fucking brought it up!
Anywho, good chapter, despite it being a bit trite.
5658014 Well yeah. I would bring up the problem that is the main conflict and driving point of my story.
Well since you seem to notice this, I think you have a pretty good idea what's going to happen later on. I just hope I do enough justice for it when that time comes.
Well, yeah. It's about heartbreak and depression. What more do you expect from me?
Forgive me for being trite but hardly anything is truly original in this day and age. Break-ups are not uncommon. This is no different. The only thing I hope to do different is how my story deals with it.
...and now I'm being a little defensive. Sorry.
I'm just realizing that someone judging what I consider personal is a lot more difficult to swallow than I anticipated. Keep criticizing, dude. I appreciate it, truly. 
5658267 I can relate to suddenly becoming defensive over your story. People kept calling Hunter a completely spineless limp dick in the first few chapters of Preservation of Innocence. And of course, I retaliated a bit. But I realized that no one was really wrong; not them for criticizing and not me for writing him that way. Eventually I think we all reached an agreement that a character trait doesn't really constitute bad storytelling.
...However.
I am trying so hard not to get mad about this comment. Look, it's fine if this story is a bit unoriginal. That doesn't mean it can't be a good story. And if it's based on a personal experience, I commend you for being able to write this, and apologize if I'm shitting on it. But don't ever say that fiction is running out of originality, especially not as an excuse.
I like the story so far. Just wanted to remind you of that.
5658341 Yeah, sometimes I forget I'm talking to a fellow author.
Sorry, didn't mean to strike a nerve. That's a bit of my ex rubbing off of me, actually. My ex took it really personally whenever I said something about his art that implied him being unoriginal, especially when a lot of his art had personal significance to him. I was just trying to help him improve (which he did) but I think I hurt him quite badly in the process. I think I can understand him now that I'm creating something artistic as well. Yes, a lot of it is based of personal experience, although shifted and changed to fit MLP. I'm actually doing this more as a therapeutic exercise because I have a lot of mental issues from that break-up. I probably need to see a psychiatrist, but I'm holding that off so I can write my story. Inspiration came from somewhere and I plan to hold on to that and make something constructive with my depression. By all means, shit on it but I'm hoping for more feedback to improve it as well. I may not be a writer, but I still want this to be as good as I can make it.
Yeah, I'll keep that in mind. Thanks.
Question: How do you quote like that? Make that little box copying what I said? That seems really useful and I don't know the commands for it.
5658844
Above the comment box, where the options for italics and bold and such are, there's a button with thick quotation marks. You type whatever text you want to quote in the comment box, highlight the text, then click the button. Same goes for bold, italics, and underline: highlight and click on the button.
I reject that out of hand. If you, sir or madam, can write your name, then you're a writer.
If you ever need someone to vent to, just shoot me a PM. I'm not a psychiatrist, and I'm not even going to risk presuming that your pain is anything akin to the pain I've felt in my short life, but I'm a good listener and I'm empathetic. At the very least, I'm not getting paid to hear about your problems, and actually want to help for the sake of helping. And because you seem like too nice of a person to go through these kinds of hardships.
5658973
I did it, mom! Oh, so that's what it's for. Thanks.
Wow uh...technically you're right. I guess the I should say I'm not an author. Then again, I did start writing this fic. But it's not a book that's going to be published so...
derpicdn.net/img/2014/1/20/529727/full.gif
I don't want to burden you with my shit, but it's a very nice thing for you to say. I'll keep that in mind. The reason why I speak so openly about my problems is because that's what I feel is the best way to deal with them. Keeping things bottled up doesn't end well. So I just let it out. It's a pretty weird feeling, being aware that you're most likely insane. That's not sarcasm, by the way.
5659200
Never label yourself as something unless you're fully committed to letting it define you. I think a better way of thinking is to find a word that's a bit more true to who you are as a substitute for a dreadful and bleak word like 'insane', lest you look at yourself in a darker light then what is deserved or appropriate, given the negative connotation that the word 'insane' carries. I find it therapeutic. I for one wouldn't like to think of myself as insane, and would rather say that I'm...contemplative.
...Did any of that that make sense?
5659391 I understand completely. I forgot to mention that I've been dealing with this depression for about a year now. Sadly, I do fully consider myself insane. I'm going to move this to a PM, since I don't want the police coming or spoiling my story for anyone that happens to pass by here.
so far, i'm liking the story. seems like you have a knack for telling a lot about a character without actually telling much. going to have to follow this one to see how it turns out.
5668218 Thanks. That's kinda what I'm going for. As the story goes on, we'll find out more and more about Shadow Heart and why he's so traumatized by what happened in Chapter 1. Next chapter features Luna! Hope you stick around when the story isn't shitty in quality.
I'm going to echo flutterpriest for the most part. This can be a good story, but I find it hard to read. I personally love the first person narrative. And I'll admit that I have this problem as well, but you REALLY need to watch your tenses, jumping from present tense to past tense is jarring from time to time. Also, break up the paragraphs, text walls can be really intimidating to readers.
5739686 Is there any time that it's ok to change tenses?
Break up the paragraphs even more? I personally feel that the paragraphs are too small, actually.
Still, thanks for doing this. Every little bit helps. If you're going to echo Flutterpriest, perhaps read my reply to his comment.
6203176 It's not really. Thanks for the fave though. I'm still working on the next chapter. School and life stuff. It should be done soon.