Go ahead, criticize. Don't go easy on me, but don't be a dick about it.

*Cracks knuckles* No promises!

Chapter 1: Four Years Ago

Good describing of the environment the character is in. You can write a good first person narrative. I've only really got one complaint for this one. It really didn't compel me to read the next chapter. The first chapter is always crucial, hooking readers to continue reading the story. This didn't hook me. But, because two chapters were released at once, I assume that the next chapter is meant to hook me.

Chapter 2: Start of a New Beginning

...So...the beginning of a beginning...okay...

Don't pay any mind to that, I just found the title a bit odd. Could just be me.

My eyes shot open at the exclamation. All there is in my vision is a pair of rose-tinted pupils.

Maybe 'irises' would be a better word than 'pupils'. Or just 'eyes'.

Her muzzle was in a frown, staring at me with a single eyebrow raised curiously and forelegs crossed in front of her chest.

Her muzzle has an eyebrow? Odd.

You’re quite something, alright.

...Let's get this out of the way real quick.

“Don’t you try to get all snippy with me, bucko.”
“Apparently, seeing as you used a bit of my cloud.”
“Which brings me back to my earlier question: you’re not from around here.”

Character speech has three main uses: developing their character, developing relationships with other characters, and pushing the narrative forwards. You're doing those three things just fine. But you need to keep something in mind when writing the lines of a specific character, especially on you're using a character that somebody else has created and written lines for in their own work: keep them in character. Just ask yourself, 'would Rainbow Dash say this?' Seriously, would you ever hear Rainbow Dash in the show saying something like 'which brings me to my earlier question', or 'snippy', or 'seeing as you'? I don't think so.

“Are you a psychic now?”

Alright, be a dick about it.

“Sorry. Didn’t really had enough sleep.”

Oh, okay.

“That wasn’t a question.”

“Did I stutter?

...Having your OC being a smartass to a fan loved character isn't helping anybody like your OC. Even if you give it a half assed excuse like 'he's tired'. The point is that this is the first time we're seeing him/her (I seriously have no idea) interact with somepony else for the first time.

“I’m Shadow Heart

The fuck is the special talent of a pony named 'Shadow Heart'? Fluttershy: Flutter, like butterflies, a creature she cares for among others. Rarity: can find gemstones. Applejack: Apples, good at applebucking. What's Shadow Heart's special talent? Brooding? And for the love of God, please tell me he's not another black and red OC.

...Sorry, I got a little heated. Anyway:

Are these chapters too short?

Only if you feel that the plot hasn't moved forwards or the characters haven't had any significant developments with each other. Word count doesn't really matter.

Annnnd that's it! All in all, I'm diggin' it. Not lovin' it, but diggin' it. Favorited and Liked. Keep it up.

5621327 Thanks. I might not be a writer but I want my story to be the best it can be.

Yeah, I actually hate writing because I can never really get hang of techniques like this. The only reason I'm doing this is because I need to vent out this depression somehow. Might as well try to do something constructive with it.

Yes, "beginning of a new beginning". I did that on purpose.

I should really study up on anatomy. This is just my ignorance showing. I wanted to look smart and not use "eyes". I'll be changing it to "irises", thanks.

Now you know I'm not really familiar with the human anatomy. That also means my knowledge of pony anatomy is lacking. I'm guessing "muzzle" is mouth-specific rather than face-specific. Going to try to look up a different word right now. EDIT: Grr, all I can get right now is "face". I just worried that I would be repeating the same words too much.

I hoping that my version of Dash wouldn't look so Out Of Character so early. I guess I failed in that regard. In my mind, she might not be as smart as Twilight but she's not stupid. I'm guessing she's coming along as too formal and educated. But I do remember that she reads books. Just saying.

Yeah, you're not supposed to exactly like him...at all. I almost lost some of my friends when my ex left me with how I was acting. I guess you could say it's my way of making sure he's not a Mary Stu. I should've made it clear what gender he was. There's a big reason why he's acting the way he is, and it's not from lack of sleep. The way I'm planning to write this is that I'll be revealing more and more details about him as the story goes on. I mean, I already dropped big hints on what type of pony he might be. Notice how I haven't been using the word "feathers"?

This goes with what I said before. I'm actually going to talk about his talent in the upcoming 3rd chapter. Trust me, it'll make more sense why his name is the way it is. I'm also not really that creative with coming up names, much less pony names. I mean c'mon, the best I can come up with for a nickname of a Magnemite is "Magneto". Plus I want to make fun little jokes like "Mister Heart" (from Fist of the North Star) and "Blackheart" (from Marvel). And uh...that'll be a little hard, since black and red are my favorite colors. I'm hoping I can find an artist soon to better represents what he looks like. I'm hoping he doesn't look TOO generic that it's a turn-off.

Thanks, this is what exactly what I'm asking for. I can only get better from here, hopefully.

Will review and point stuff out when not so sleep deprived, I promise.

5622507 That'll be much appreciated. Not going to hold my breath, seeing that you have insomnia.

I just noticed I missed editing in a very important detail in the first chapter...well, fuck. I'll update it when I get the 3rd chapter up soon. This bodes well, doesn't it?

Well, here are my thoughts on Chapter 2:

I asked for dialogue and did I get dialogue. A lot of it. In fact. I would say, copious amounts. There is so much dialogue in this chapter, that descriptions are pretty neglected. Little things such as describing facial feature changes between sentences, how someone reacts when someone says something (and you do have some this, but I mean, little things, not just the big things), or even how they change when they say something. Rainbow dash is notorious for this. Frequently, writers have her strike poses when she wants to say something cool or look awesome to impress someone.

The other problem with having such a dialogue heavy chapter is how difficult it is to follow. Please, I implore you to add "I said", "Rainbow said" at bare minimum. Not to every single line, but enough to let a reader be able to pick up and put down the story and not have to read it entirely in one sitting to remember who is talking. To take it the next step further, Have "I replied" or "Rainbow bragged" or "She thundered" to add some implicit descriptions on how they characters are saying something. A little goes a long way in this department and I wholeheartedly suggest it.

I'm going to tell you something that you might already know, but a character named 'Shadow Heart' is going to catch a TON of flak. I mean, a TON. It's an extremely generic name and it doesn't sound like someone from the show. I'm not quite sure what to say here, especially if you are dead set on the name. If you are, then by all means, keep your artistic integrity and have the name as is. However, I feel more readers will take the story seriously if it were different.

There aren't any major technical issues in this part. It's very clear that you do a very thorough job editing and that's a really good thing. Props to that and be sure to keep doing that in the future. Once again, I recommend tabbing your paragraphs.

You also have a pretty good personification of Rainbow Dash. I would suggest refraining from using bits of signature dialogue from the show, because it can become distracting to the reader. The "Are you a spy?" line wasn't necessarily out of place, but it was jarring to see.

Something that I think you could work on adding is including more of that main character is thinking or pondering what they want to say. I think having moments like these is going to be critical down the line when they choose to decide what details about their troubled past they want to include or not include.

The last thing I want to comment on, is the only thing that kept me from liking this story. One single part. I want you to guess what it is before I tell you what it is.

“Oh yeah, I forgot. Name’s Rainbow Dash. You can call me Kickass McAwesometown.”
I have no idea if this is the reference to the other story that you mentioned in the Author's Note, but this doesn't fit Rainbow Dash in the slightest. The reference is lost on me and I generally come from a camp where Ponies rarely swear. To add this non-nonchalantly in conversation just feels wrong to me. If you had "Your Awesomeness", then I probably wouldn't be as upset, but this just doesn't even remotely fit the tone that you are trying to produce.

5628738 Thanks. I'm glad it didn't look like it was simply "purple prose".

The lack of description is a path I'm taking. I'll be revealing more and more how he looks like in the upcoming chapters. It is in first-person, so I feel that him describing himself explicitly is jarring, since he himself would know what he looks like since birth. Don't worry, by the 4th chapter, you will have a complete description of the guy. I actually didn't state they were pegasus wings. Notice the lack of using the word "feathers"?

Ugh. I was hoping my English skills would be good enough. I hate English, to be honest. I'm only writing because I need some way to vent out my depression. But I'll look into that.

So you're actually advocating for indents here. Interesting. A lot of stories I read actually didn't really had indents, but if you think it would help, I'll do it. It just looks odd to me.

Yeah, writing this and reading this feels different. I'm actually really worried about word count because in my first draft, it barely reached 1500 words. Most stories I see have 3000-4500 words, and I want to fit that standard. Writing takes so long for me, yet reading it makes me feel it is short. Hopefully the 3rd chapter isn't too short for you by then.

5628839 Yeah, I noticed that AFTER I posted it. I'm trying to fix that in the later chapters. It's also a good way to build up word count to satisfy my worries.

Damn, another thing I thought I was doing well in. So I should keep reminding the reader who is who in the conversation. Good to know. I'll try to implement that in the upcoming chapters. I just felt I would be repeating myself and run out of synonyms to use. I should build up my thesaurus...

Yeah, I know. There are good reasons for it though. I'm not really creative with names, much less pony names. The best name I can come up for Magnemite is "Magneto". Second, I am dead set on the name. It represents his appearance, his personality and everything. It sounds generic, yeah, but he embodies this. You'll understand when you get the full image of him. Third, I want to make little jokes about his name like calling him "Mr. Heart" (from First of the North Star) and "Blackheart" (from Marvel).

Thanks. I'm surprised somebody noticed that this isn't exactly my first draft of the chapter I'm posting. How do you even do that? And you still want indents, ok.

Yeah, even I felt it was a little weird. I just wanted to remind the reader that this was Rainbow Dash he was talking to. My version of Rainbow Dash might not be smart like Twilight, but she isn't stupid. I did this because I think people would feel that this isn't Dash if I didn't.

You're right, I should. Since this is going to be the major conflict in this story, I should put more emphasis on his thoughts. Thanks for reminding me to not lose myself in what other things may be happening. yes, it is critical and will show who he decides to trust. Trust is a very big issue for him right now, and hopefully I will be able to explain that in my story.

I have a pretty good idea what it is, considering how you're ordering your comment.

Yeah...I'm not exactly proud of that. There's going to be some cursing but I'm going to try to keep it to a minimum. Yes, it was a reference to the story I linked. I just really liked the story it referenced and I thought that part would fit Rainbow Dash. I noticed that it actually didn't and you caught on to that. I'm not sure if I want to change it though. But you're right, "Your Awesomeness" sounds a lot more fitting.

Really, thank you a lot for doing this. I hope you can stick around and help me improve.