After completing the first chapter. these are my thoughts:
If there is one thing you do very. very well: It's descriptions. You do a magnificent job at describing the surroundings of the town and immersing the reader into the plight of the character. The sadness the character feels is very real, and we can tell that our main character is trying to put their troubled past behind them. Their recent troubled past.
What I feel this chapter does not do, that it severely needed to do, was describe who our main protagonist is more. You insure to make note of the heart shaped cutie mark, their pegasus wings, but things such as gender and colors are missing. I'm part of the team that claims that there is nothing wrong with writing OC's if you make sure they are just as real and vivid as the other characters. I only hope you can focus on bringing this character to life in future parts.
Technically, there is a mess of comma issues in this story. Commas actually have very specific rules on how they should be used. They are not placed whenever you want the reader to have a pause. (My English teacher lied to me as well.) I'd heavily recommend researching that.
A teeny tiny thing- tabs at the beginning of each paragraph would be nice.
Last but not least, there is a lot of subtle things happening here, and you've set up the plot to begin unfurling, but for an introductory chapter, this feels short. I'm hoping our main character can get some dialogue in the second part. This is a little slow, but by no means terrible.
I'm going to echo flutterpriest for the most part. This can be a good story, but I find it hard to read. I personally love the first person narrative. And I'll admit that I have this problem as well, but you REALLY need to watch your tenses, jumping from present tense to past tense is jarring from time to time. Also, break up the paragraphs, text walls can be really intimidating to readers.
After completing the first chapter. these are my thoughts:
If there is one thing you do very. very well: It's descriptions. You do a magnificent job at describing the surroundings of the town and immersing the reader into the plight of the character. The sadness the character feels is very real, and we can tell that our main character is trying to put their troubled past behind them. Their recent troubled past.
What I feel this chapter does not do, that it severely needed to do, was describe who our main protagonist is more. You insure to make note of the heart shaped cutie mark, their pegasus wings, but things such as gender and colors are missing. I'm part of the team that claims that there is nothing wrong with writing OC's if you make sure they are just as real and vivid as the other characters. I only hope you can focus on bringing this character to life in future parts.
Technically, there is a mess of comma issues in this story. Commas actually have very specific rules on how they should be used. They are not placed whenever you want the reader to have a pause. (My English teacher lied to me as well.) I'd heavily recommend researching that.
A teeny tiny thing- tabs at the beginning of each paragraph would be nice.
Last but not least, there is a lot of subtle things happening here, and you've set up the plot to begin unfurling, but for an introductory chapter, this feels short. I'm hoping our main character can get some dialogue in the second part. This is a little slow, but by no means terrible.
I'm going to echo flutterpriest for the most part. This can be a good story, but I find it hard to read. I personally love the first person narrative. And I'll admit that I have this problem as well, but you REALLY need to watch your tenses, jumping from present tense to past tense is jarring from time to time. Also, break up the paragraphs, text walls can be really intimidating to readers.