Singing Bass

cherished #1 · Feb 9th, 2015 · · · a small compitition ·

Ow, I mean. I'm going to read it, But my expectations are already lowered by the description, and the cover-art.
I mean.
Just.
Egh..

The Blessed One

The Blessed One #2 · Feb 9th, 2015 · · · a small compitition ·

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Alright... Review time. First things first, I'm a tad grumpy right now, so please don't take any of my snarky comments to heart, only listen to the core meaning of the words, Alright?

Lets begin with the first half of the chapter, starting at line one.

Bass sat in a coffee shop with his friends Octavia and Vinyl

Two flaws are already rearing their ugly heads. There should be a comma in between "friends" and "Octavia". There is also no period at the end of the sentence.

'' I don't see why you don't join us Bass. I assure you it will be worth your time.'' Octavia said after sipping her tea. ''You may even get to see sing for royalty'' she smiled at this.

Never put a space in between the quotation marks and the words, also there should be a comma in between "us" and "Bass". Lastly, you forgot the period to end Octavia's second sentence.

''Yea! besides who cares if those stuck up royals don't like you? OW!" Vinyl yelped as she was punched in the shoulder. ''not cool tavi, not cool'' She said rubbing her shoulder.

Two flaws here: You didn't capitalize the first "not cool" or "tavi", seeing as it is a name. And you need to put a period after the second "not cool".

'' I'm not going, I can't stand being the laughing stock of equestria....''He sighed," Why doesn't anypony like to listen to somepony sing bass?'' he questioned sipping his lemonade. ''It's not like my tune bucket doesn't have a bottom''

Again with the spaces in between the quotation marks and the words... Also "equestria" should always be capitalized, since it is a country, and you forgot another period at the end of Bass' last sentence.

'' Hey, it sounded cool when you sang for my gig last week'' Vinyl added. It was true, he felt happy when she asked him to put lyrics to her song. The roar of the crowd made him feel amazing.

AGAIN with the spacing between quotation marks and the words! AND the forgetting of the periods, I think they are beginning to feel hated...

''That is true, I enjoyed it very much. let me know if you need me to sing again, ok?''. Vinyl smiled and nodded.

This was sooo close to perfect in terms of grammar, but you spell "ok", it is spelled"okay". And that little period stuck in the middle of nowhere needs to be put out of its misery.

Octavia looked at her friends and smiled. ''Don't you think bass should at least try to go with us? Even if he doesn't sing it would be nice for him to travel and see Canterlot''. There she went again trying to make him feel like he just had to go.

Many problems lurk in this one. Firstly: bass is a name, so capitalize it. Secondly: A comma is needed in between "sing" and "it". Thirdly: That poor little period needs to be moved inside the quotation marks. Fourthly: another comma is needed in between "again" and "trying".

Phew! That was a nasty one, go take a drink break before we go on... Assuming you got a drink, let's go!

'' I told you I don't want to go..... i'm not comfortable being in a big city like Canterlot and plus I don't know what to sing...'' He said sounding alittle scared at the idea of a big city.

This one is a little tricky to fix, so I'll just show you what it SHOULD look like.

"I told you I don't want to go... I'm not comfortable being in a big city like Canterlot,plus I don't know what to sing..." He said, sounding a little at the idea of a big city

'' Come on bro. I'm sure you'll love it. Might even find a nice mare or two'' vinyl chuckled at her joke.

AGAIN with the spacing between quotation marks and the words! AND the forgetting of the periods! Come on man, you were doing so good with those until this!

'' Very funny, Mrs. Melody'' He said as he knew saying she was married to Octavia got on her nerves. yes they were together, but she and Octavia decided to just be lovers.

Same two problems, I think we know your kryptonite. Also, you need a comma between "said" and "as". Double also, "yes" was the start of a sentence, so capitalization is needed, and it needs a comma after it.

'' Buck off bass....'' vinyl laughed trying to hide her anger.

Your kryptonite shows itself again... Next, capitalize "vinyl" and put a comma between "laughed" and "trying". Also, you needed to space out this line of text from the next one that we review.

'' Bass.... you're going, You will be amazing. Now get packed our train leaves tomorrow morning.'' Octavia smiled as she saw his eyes widen. (He's stuck now) she thought.

Your kryptonite is your kryptonite I know, but it is really getting annoying. Now, put a comma between "Now" and "get", we also need another one in between "packed" and "our". Another good idea, instead of using () to symbolize thought, use Italics.

'' Uge...... well.....if I'm going I better be prepared'' He said as he got up. ''What time?'' He asked.

kryptonite, and missing a period... Also "Uge" should be "Ugh".

''6 am'' Octavia said as vinyl groaned. Octavia smiled as she knew he couldn't say no if she already paid for his ticket.

"6 am" should be done like so: "six a.m." or "six o'clock in the morning". A missing period at the end of Octavia's quotation marks, and the "no" should have quotation marks around it.

''See you then'' he said as he left to go and pack at home.'' How does she always take advantage of me like that? She knows I hate when people buy tickets to things for me....'' He sighed. bass went to his small room in his small apartment. He got out his suit case and packed. A book, two pens, a sketch pad and three blue bow ties is all there was to pack. '' That should do it'' he said as he sat at his old desk to look through songs.'' it has to be just right, this is for royalty'' he spent the next three hours looking through them.

This one is big one, and it holds Seven flaws inside, let's get going on it. Number one: Lack of a period or ellipses in Bass's first sentence. Number two: Your kryptonite in Bass' second sentence. Number three: His name is not capitalized after "He sighed.". (Never do what I just did with the periods there) Number four: Kryptonite strikes again. Number five: No period after the kryptonite strike. Number six: Kryptonite strikes one last time.

Well, I'm going to come back later to review the other half of the story later, I'm tired now.

It was not the best work of art I've ever seen, but it was FAR from the worst I've reviewed. You have potential to be an on par writer, you just need to fix what I've pointed out, and call me back to review the other half of the story then.

Util that time, have a Blessed day, Mr. Jona Gold.

(P.S. please tell me if I misspelled anything in this review.)

jona gold

jona gold #3 · Feb 9th, 2015 · · · a small compitition ·

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5604549
Nope, you're good. Thank you for the lengthy, but helpful review! Yes, I am not very good at English. I never have been, but this is the best I could do. Thank you again!
Jona Gold

The Blessed One

The Blessed One #4 · Feb 9th, 2015 · · · a small compitition ·

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5604595 I wasn't too mean was I? I worry I come off as a such when I do these reviews after a less-then-savory day.

jona gold

jona gold #5 · Feb 9th, 2015 · · · a small compitition ·

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5604549
wait! I found something! you put an apostrophe ''s'' on the end on a name that ends in ''s'', so it just needs and apostrophe.

The Blessed One

The Blessed One #6 · Feb 9th, 2015 · · · a small compitition ·

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5604610 Where?!

jona gold

jona gold #7 · Feb 9th, 2015 · · · a small compitition ·

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5604605
No, you were actually rather helpful. i'm about to work on chapter two, and hopefully I can correct chapter one afterward.

jona gold

jona gold #8 · Feb 9th, 2015 · · · a small compitition ·

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5604617
''of Bass's last sentence''

The Blessed One

The Blessed One #9 · Feb 9th, 2015 · · · a small compitition ·

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5604636 And you said you were not very good at English...

I'm glad you found my review helpful, it means a lot to me.

jona gold

jona gold #10 · Feb 9th, 2015 · · · a small compitition ·

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5604676
Yep! I only noticed that because my name ends in an ''s''. it's a pet peeve. Yes, indeed I did, I am going to go through and fix things soon. hopefully I won't be up till Celestia knows when, trying to write the second chapter.

The Blessed One

The Blessed One #11 · Feb 9th, 2015 · · · a small compitition ·

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5604718 Don't write when sleep deprived, it makes bad things happen. Trust me, I know.

jona gold

jona gold #12 · Feb 9th, 2015 · · · a small compitition ·

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5604726
Indeed. well, I'm off to go correct my chapter! have a good night, and thank you :pinkysmile:

Elric of Melnipony

Elric of Melnipony #13 · Feb 9th, 2015 · · · a small compitition ·

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a bass singer attends a royal contest to see who is the best in all Equestria. but being unknown he fears he will be left in the dust like before. let's hope his friends can help him blow away the competition.

The first word of a sentence should always be capitalized. Always.

Story titles need to be capitalized as well.

FelineFluff

FelineFluff #14 · Mar 9th, 2015 · · · Canterlot ·

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I'm going to read this soon, but I couldn't help but notice the pony generator cover art can I make you a real pony, using a base? Maybe you'll get more readers? Also I'm going to work on your avatar today!