Another day, another bushel of apples. The day was almost over, and work was progressing smoothly, just like always. Just before Big McIntosh can head back to the farmhouse, his youngest sister’s inquiring curiosity brings forth a memory from the stallion’s youth. Perhaps supper can wait a little bit longer today.
Proofing and editing credit goes to Striving for Harmony, once again. He is a great help, and I hope he knows how much he is appreciated. I would also like the thank Scooter-kun for taking time out of their day to do some editing for this one as well.
Chapters (1)
Slice of Life at its finest. Great job with the writing! I'm sure Big Mac would agree with me.
See?
That was beautiful.
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Thanks for the kind words. Glad you enjoyed the story!
That was very enjoyable, loved the interaction between Big Mac and his father.
By the way, does that watermelon tasting grass exist or did you come up with it based on real sweet plants?
5591572 Big Bluestem does exist. them cover image is actually a picture of it. This story was born off the simple thought "Why do you chew on wheat stalks?" So, the first thing I did was research why farmers are depicted that way. Turns out they don't chew on wheat. They chew on grass and there are various types of grass to choose from depending on area and climate. Who knew? I went with the one that sounded most like grass because the others had names like "Heather" and i didn't feel like fueling innuendos. >.>
Glad you enjoyed the story, and hope I answered your question!
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You did, the farmer fact was nice as well.
That was a really nice story
5606280 Glad you enjoyed it!
A very beautiful and heartwarming story!
Now, I just have to find some Big Bluestem......
5612212 Happy to hear you enjoyed it! Also, once you find the grass, please tell me what it tastes like? I'm super curious if it does taste like watermelons like it is rumored. From what I can tell it does not grow around where I am.
5612295 It does grow in my state, and I will try to get some!
I`m sorry that it doesn`t grow where you live.
This is Midnight Rambler to Galrion, transmitting from WRITE's secret headquarters in
the frozen northdarkest Africathe Ottoman Empirea very secret place.This story was a positive surprise. Most stories I get assigned to review for WRITE have... how do I put this diplomatically... rather serious issues. It's refreshing to get an actually decent story on my plate for a change.
What I like most about this story is its clear, consistent theme: it's a story about talking, or rather, the lack thereof. The last two sentences sum this up nicely, making for a very strong ending indeed. The story's structure matches the theme, as well: a lot of things are left unsaid. For example, we never find out if Macintosh managed to "handle the bullies on his own" without fighting – but we don't need to. Somehow, the atmosphere and characterisation give us confidence that he pulled it off.
That's another strong point: characterisation. In fewer than 2500 words, you convincingly portray both Big Mac and his father: strong, quiet stallions, very similar but with subtle differences in emphasis. Great job.
Before I go on, I should tell you something about myself. Both as a reviewer and as a writer, I have a strong "expansionist" streak. My criticism of any given story almost always contains elements of 'develop character X more,' 'show the impact of event Y on your characters more clearly,' 'actually write out event Z instead of alluding to it happening offscreen...' Sometimes it seems like I won't be satisfied until every story on Fimfiction is a 100k+ word epic full of elaborate development. In other words, when even I feel that a story's brevity actually makes it stronger – as is the case here – that's a pretty serious compliment.
(I also like how you end several sentences with 'as he always did' – another clever bit of synergy between form and content.)
That was the praise. Now for the
merciless picking apart of all the story's flawsnice, polite, constructive criticism.First of all, there's this sentence:
I'd advise you to cut out this reference to Mac's father; it makes it pretty obvious that the answer to AB's question is going to be 'because it reminds him of his dead father.' It's better not to lay it on so thick.
Second, I praised your characterisation, but there's a weak spot there as well:
This could be a lot more subtle, too. As it stands, it's pretty cheesy and overdone.
Third, a point of style.
Notice a pattern here? The present participle clause is a perfectly valid grammatical construction, but if you use it too often, it becomes noticeable and hence distracting. 'Turning it... to the wagon' in particular is problematic, because too many actions are crammed into a single sentence (turning – sucked – crushing – savouring – returning). Try splitting that sentence, maybe splitting a few of the others as well, and generally having some more variation in the way you construct your sentences.
Fourth, I'd cut out the sudden formality ('Sir') between Mac and his father. It comes pretty much out of nowhere, and clashes with the atmosphere of the story.
Except for these four points, I don't have all that much to complain about. This is a good story, that clearly has quite some thought put into it. Have a well-deserved moustache.
Signing off,
Midnight Rambler, WRITE's Flying Dutchman
5686296 Thank you for your input, MR. I will keep it in mind, especially the bit about the present participle clause, on all my future writing projects.
Glad you were able to enjoy the story,
Gal
Nice little story!
6854926 Thanks, and glad you enjoyed it!