Caveat Emptor
Old Gob stood up from his stool as if his joints felt rustier than the creaking hinges of the door up front. It took a long time to get that door creak right. For a while he experimented with a little bell, which did let him know when he had a customer, but lacked the ominous tone he was going for. In the same way, Gob wasn't really all that old, and had no problem with his joints beyond the stiffness that came with sitting behind a cash register all day. But he was too short to loom properly, and never could get the hang of sidling, so the only option was a creeping, elderly gait. The brand started with him, after all, and branding was important.
Take the dust. It made him sneeze, but who really wanted to buy a shiny new skull, or a clean and well kept tome? Dust, heavy incense, flickering candlelight, shelves of jumbled objects with a few of the exotic, higher price point items kept in an even more cluttered back room. It was all part of the appeal of a mysterious shop that appeared and disappeared without warning. He was selling more than enchanted items of a dubious nature, he was selling an experience.
Gob made his way to the door, his greasy black mane partially obscuring a gray face that wasn’t nearly as gnarled as he would have liked. The mane was a bit annoying, between that and the flickering candlelight it would have been hard to maneuver around the larger items if he didn’t know the shop like the back of his hoof. He turned the sign that hung in the foggy front window from Open to Closed, then reached over to lock the door.
The lock glowed magenta and wouldn’t budge. Then the door opened, and a purple hoof wedged in, followed by a purple face with a horn on top.
“We’re closed,” he said, offering a frown that he hoped was dark enough to make up for his smooth features.
“Oh no you aren’t.” The mare narrowed her eyes. “Do you think I don’t know what this place is? Soon as you close, it’s going to disappear. And I’m not letting you go until my friend gets a refund.”
“No refunds,” Gob snapped, trying to push the door closed. But as he did, the whole door glowed magenta and creaked open, shoving him back into the store.
He blinked, the purple unicorn was, in fact, an alicorn. And with her was the pink earth pony he’d sold a selection of trinkets to earlier. Gob snorted, he’d given Miss Pie a discount, too, for being so enthusiastic about the shop. Behind them stood four other ponies, none of them looking very pleased.
“Yes refunds!” Pinkie said. “You sold me a bunch of bad, creepy, magic stuff!”
“Of course I did. That’s what I sell.” Gob motioned around the shop. “And as the sign by the register clearly states, I do not give refunds.”
“I’m sure we can be reasonable about this. I’m Twilight Sparkle,” she said with a smile. “And my friend Pinkie Pie didn’t realize what kind of shop this was.”
Gob looked around. The skulls and unsettling idols of lost tribes were still on the shelves. The candlelight still flickered. There were a sufficient number of cobwebs about, in his expert opinion. And he was sure the shop had appeared at the end of a lonely side street just that morning. He raised an eyebrow at Princess Twilight.
“I’ve been meaning to get a raven, but short of that, I’m not sure what else you expect me to do.”
The yellow pegasus smiled, her face lighting like a tzohar stone. “Oh, I have a raven you could—”
“Fluttershy!” Princess Twilight snapped, and Fluttershy slunk back behind her mane. Then the princess turned back to Gob. “You could have mentioned she was buying a bunch of cursed items.”
“Dubiously enchanted. And I’ve tried that, but it was bad for business. I think ponies expect an aspect of discovery in a shop like this.” He nodded towards where the blue pegasus was poking at the black armor of Knightshade the Mad with the tip of a hoof.
Princess Twilight’s horn glowed, and the pegasus was yanked away from the armor by her multi-colored tail.
“I was just looking!” she protested.
“Applejack, could you please make sure everypony keeps her hooves to herself in here?” Princess Twilight said to the orange pony directly behind her.
“Will do.” Applejack nodded and eyed her companions.
Once again, the princess returned her attention to Gob. “As for you, the reason ponies won’t buy things from you when you tell them they’re cursed is that ponies don’t want to buy cursed items.”
Gob shook his head. “Somepony created the items of dubious enchantment, didn’t they?”
“Well, yes, but—”
“Then there’s a market, however niche it may be. So it’s just a matter of finding my customer. It’s simple business management.” He leaned against an old throne carved with a long litany in what may or may not have been the dark tongue of Maredor.
“Well Pinkie Pie is not your customer,” Princess Twilight insisted, eyeing the throne suspiciously. “In fact, nopony in Ponyville is your customer.”
“Once again, I believe you’re mistaken. I’ve done surveys, you see. My customer is curious, a bit naive, impulsive—”
Applejack cut in. “What Twilight is sayin’ is Pinkie don’t want the stuff ya’ sold her, and she wants her bits back. Got it?”
“Yes, I understand.” He nodded, then turned to walk back to his counter. “No refunds.”
He felt something grab his tail and stop him. He turned back to see it caught in the princess’s magenta magic. Her eyes narrowed and nostrils flared.
“Look. I don’t think you understand the day I’ve had thanks to you…”
“Hey, Twilight, I brought you a present!” Pinkie grinned, bumping something off her back next to where Twilight sat on a pillow in the castle library, engrossed in a book on cartographic spells.
Twilight glanced at it, noticed the book-like shape of the blue package with the pink ribbon, and smiled. “Thanks! Do you mind if I wait to open it? I’m almost done finding the last of the spells we’ll need to map the first sector of the Everfree Forest.”
“Whenever you want! I was surprised because I found this neat shop where there’s never been a shop there before! Or maybe it was a secret, because it was kind of hidden at the end of an alley. Oh, I know, it was a secret surprise! So I was looking around, and I decided to buy secret surprises for all of my friends, and the pony there said he had all kinds of secret surprises. Secret surprises are the best, don’t you think?”
“Uh-huh.” Twilight floated her quill to make note of a page number.
“Well, I won’t bug you, I have other presents to give out. Have fun with your present!”
“I will, thanks!” Twilight said, giving Pinkie a smile as she pranced out the door.
About twenty minutes later, Twilight finished her notations and noticed the package again. She picked it up in her magic and smiled. It was just like Pinkie to buy presents for everypony for no real reason. She untied the bow and neatly removed the wrapping paper, then sneezed.
The tome — it seemed to turn up its nose at being classified as a mere book — was dusty and beaten. It was hoofbound in some dark material, and the pages were thick and unevenly cut. She used a hoof to brush some of the dust off the cover.
“The Neighcronomi— NOPE!” Her eyes widened and she shoved the tome all the way across the library with her magic.
“Oh no, nope, bad bad bad.” Twilight's eyes darted around for someplace safe to store it until a suitable lead lined, magically sealed, padlocked, buried and forgotten prison could be found for it. Her magic opened a desk drawer and shoved the tome inside. Then she made the front of the drawer disappear, leaving only blank wood so it couldn’t be opened again. Then she turned the desk around, so that even if there had been a drawer there it would have been inaccessible. Finally, she hurried out of the library, locking the door behind her.
“Spike!” she yelled, her voice echoing through the castle.
Spike stuck his head out of the kitchen. “Yeah?”
Twilight paced back and forth in front of the library door. “Do not go in the library. Whatever you do. And don’t let anypony else in the library. In fact, don’t even think about the library. And send a letter to Princess Celestia telling her that I’m going to need a class five containment vessel for a book of dark magic. But don’t even think about that either!”
By that time, Spike was standing in the hallway, staring at Twilight with a raised eyebrow. “How’d you get something like that?”
“Pinkie gave it to me! She said she found some shop… at the end of a dark alley that had never been there before! Ugh! I should’ve known! And she has presents for the rest of the girls. I have to go!” Twilight started to run off, but she skidded to a stop on the polished stone floor. She turned around and called back. “Remember! There is no library!”
“There’s still a kitchen, right?” Spike called back, but Twilight had already taken off running again.
Once outside the castle, Twilight glanced around. The town seemed to be free of obvious disasters or eldritch horrors for the time being, so she started towards Sweet Apple Acres. She wasn’t sure what kind of present Pinkie might have given to Applejack, she assumed it wasn’t a book of dark magic, but whatever it was she hoped AJ had enough sense to leave it alone.
She crossed the bridge leaving Ponyville, and her hopes were dashed as she saw Big Mac barreling towards her at full speed. He stopped in front of her.
“Twilight, it’s AJ, come quick,” he panted.
She hurried her pace, Mac right beside her. “What happened?”
“Pinkie gave her a magic apple. Supposed to bring her true love,” he explained as they moved. “She didn’t believe it, but it looked like a fine apple. She took a bite and passed out, and we can’t wake her.”
Twilight frowned. “Great. Just great.”
“We were hopin’ ya’ could check your library—”
“There is no library!” she interrupted. Then she calmed down and thought for a minute. Apple. Coma. True Love. Twilight nodded. “But… I think I know what’s wrong with her. Has she been singing any songs about her prince coming, lately?"
He shook his head. "Nope."
"Did she recently spot anypony across a forest glen, or some other picturesque location, that she didn't get a chance to speak to?"
Mac thought for a moment. "If AJ wants to talk to a pony, she's gonna talk to 'em. She's got a lasso."
Twilight frowned. This might be harder than she thought. "Do you know if she has a crush on anypony?”
“Eeyup,” Mac nodded.
“Who?”
Mac bit his lip and looked down, then over at the apple trees they were now passing, then up at the sky.
Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Well, from that I’m going to assume it’s either you or me. And I really, really hope it’s me.”
Mac rolled his eyes and nodded.
They fell into silence the rest of the way. Twilight wasn’t sure she was Applejack’s true love. She’d never considered in her life if she was attracted to Applejack. She’d never considered in her life if she was attracted to mares. Actually, given her only crush so far, she wasn’t entirely sure she was attracted to ponies, but she was hoping that was a passing phase and not a life-long fetish.
But right now she hoped that she could be in love with Applejack, because the next option was to line up everypony in town and have them kiss her, which seemed both creepy and unsanitary.
They came upon the farm, and Mac led Twilight to where Applejack was lying on the grass, with Granny Smith and Apple Bloom fussing around her. When they saw her coming they made room, standing a few feet away with drooping ears and worried faces. Twilight went straight over to Applejack.
Applejack’s mane was loose and tumbled over her shoulders and the ground, her eyes were closed, and she wore a peaceful smile. She definitely looked like she was asleep, Twilight assured herself, which was a relief because when it came to uncomfortable fetishes the alternative would be one of the few things worse than being exclusively into humans.
It made Twilight wonder if there was some secondary aspect of the curse that made a pony look more attractive, because Applejack did look better than Twilight remembered. But that made no sense, ponies who made cursed fruit didn’t usually build in something that made the curse more likely to be broken. But in that case, did Applejack really look better than she usually did, or was Twilight just thinking about it for the first time? Could AJ really be her true love?
That was stupid. Kissing sleeping mares was no basis for a relationship. True love came from a steadily growing emotional connection between two ponies, not some farcical cure for cursed fruit. For now she just hoped that whatever she felt would wake AJ.
Twilight leaned over. Then she stopped and looked up. “Does anypony have a handkerchief? It’s probably not a good idea to kiss a pony who just ate poison without at least wiping off her mouth.”
Granny produced a handkerchief, and Twilight rubbed Applejack’s lips until she was satisfied that the poison wouldn’t transfer. Then she leaned over again and planted her lips on Applejack’s, counting to three because she wasn’t sure how long it might take for the spell to deactivate.
Applejack’s eyes blinked open. “Twi? What happened? You just… kissed me?”
Twilight sighed, relaxing. “Look, AJ, I’m really flattered and we definitely need to talk about this later, but this is kind of an emergency. Do you know where Pinkie was headed next?”
“Um, to Rainbow Dash.” Applejack sat up slowly, shaking her head.
“Good. Come on.” Twilight offered a hoof and helped Applejack up, then grabbed her hat and dropped it on her head. Applejack picked up her ribbons and started tying them as they both headed back to Ponyville at a fast trot.
Gob arched an eyebrow at Applejack. “So you’re awake now, and you found your true love? Then it worked as advertised.”
“Puttin’ a pony in a coma don’t count as helpin’ them find their true love! That was a poisoned apple!” She scowled and stomped a hoof for emphasis, rattling the black armor of Knightshade the Mad and setting the chimes of the dead tinkling.
Gob just shook his head. “I do not offer refunds, and if I did I certainly would not give one for an item that’s already been consumed.”
Princess Twilight rolled her eyes. “If it hadn’t been consumed we wouldn’t have known that it was cursed!”
“Dubiously enchanted. And that’s in the eye of the beholder. I understand the sleep is very restful,” he pointed out.
Applejack snorted and narrowed her eyes. “I don’t give a flyin’ fruit bat if it was restful, I coulda slept for years if Mac didn’t guess I was sweet on Twilight!”
“Um, actually… everypony knew,” Fluttershy pointed out quietly.
Applejack’s mouth dropped open as she turned to Fluttershy. “Y’all did not!”
Rainbow Dash shrugged. “With all the ‘sure, Twi!’ and ‘whatever ya’ say, sugarcube!’ and ‘will do!’ whenever Twilight wants something? Plus you keep saving her life, and you’re always real quick to apologize to her when you mess up.” She smirked. “What I’m saying is you’re a tiny bit more subtle than Spike.”
Applejack blushed and became very interested in a display of floating stones from darkest Zebricia.
Princess Twilight shook her head. “Even so, what if I wasn’t interested in mares?”
Rarity raised an eyebrow. “Twilight, darling, all of your closest friends and associates are female. You seem fonder of your sister-in-law than your brother is. And the only male you’ve ever shown the slightest interest in was that… monkey boy through the mirror, and that hardly counts.”
Gob wondered for a moment if there was a way to bottle the glare Princess Twilight threw at the unicorn, because that would surely be a bestseller.
Rarity shrunk back. “Of course, none of this excuses selling a poisoned apple.”
“Right.” Princess Twilight nodded.
“I don’t supposed you’d be willing to write a little testimonial for me?” Gob asked Applejack. “I could put it next to the apples… it would be a good selling point.”
If Princess Twilight’s glare would have been a bestseller, the glare Gob received from Applejack would have been one of those specialty items reserved for his most dedicated and questionably ethical customers.
He blinked. “I’ll just… let ponies know.”
“Speaking of ponies and knowing, did you know that you sold a random pony a copy of the Neighcronomicon?” Princess Twilight waved a hoof in the direction of Pinkie Pie, who appeared to have her hooves stuck in the unbreakable hooftrap of Yak-Shi, but she easily pulled one out and waved. Applejack yanked her away from the object.
“Of course.” Gob nodded. “She asked for the most interesting spellbook I have.”
“You can’t sell a book like that to a pony looking for a good read!” the princess insisted.
“Actually, I can,” Gob pointed out. “Princess Celestia has never technically banned a book, she just tries to acquire all the existing copies. And, of course, it’s quite illegal to actually summon the Old Ones.”
“You don’t say,” Princess Twilight said dryly.
“There’s a bookplate in it to that effect. But it’s entirely legal to own or sell the Neighcronomicon for research or decorative purposes.”
Princess Twilight gaped at him. “I don’t think it’s very useful for research when reading it drives ponies insane!”
“It does?” Pinkie asked. “I thought it was neat! The names were fun to say, and everything sounds silly when you try to describe the dimensions past pony understanding.”
The princess turned her gape on her friend, then shut her mouth and turned back to Gob. “And who would decorate with a book of spells for summoning unspeakable evil?”
“According to the survey, teenagers and evil wizards.” He rolled his eyes. “You should try building a display that appeals to both of those demographics. Totally different spending habits, and the teenagers all seem to have sticky hooves.”
Princess Twilight rubbed her hoof over her face. “Fine. Should I continue with my story about my day?”
“If you like,” Gob said with a sigh.
Twilight and Applejack came to the meadow outside of town where Rainbow Dash’s house floated.
“I couldn’t agree more, Twi. Poison fruit’s no good for basin’ a relationship on. So what would ya’ say to goin’ to the movies Friday?” Applejack asked.
Twilight looked over to give her answer, but her eyes went wide and what came out was: “Zombie ponies!”
“Well, that’s… not quite the answer I was expectin’,” Applejack said slowly. Then she followed Twilight’s wide eyed stare. “But it’s a good one!”
Twilight was pretty sure that flying and shambling should be incompatible, but the three monstrous pegasi moving towards them were doing their best. They flapped wings that were hanging off their bodies at odd angles and moaned through gaping jaws drooling black ichor. The odd thing, besides the zombies themselves, was that all three zombies were wearing tattered and torn Wonderbolt’s uniforms.
Applejack stepped in front of her, readying for the onslaught, and Twilight’s horn glowed to find out what magic could do. At that moment, Rainbow Dash came racing through the sky, stopping between the zombies to buck two of them at once, sending them flying to the other side of the meadow where they landed on the ground. The remaining zombie she punched in the face before turning and offering a kick that threw it to join its friends.
Across the field, the zombies pulled themselves to their hooves and started moving very slowly back towards the living ponies.
Rainbow Dash landed, panting, her hair even wilder than usual and black ichor splattered over her hooves and coat. “Little help, you guys?”
“What did Pinkie give you?” Twilight asked quickly.
“This gross thing called a monkey’s paw! I’m supposed to be able to wish for what I want,” she pulled out the desiccated, hand-like object, all but one finger clenched, and glared at it. “So I wished to be a Wonderbolt and this guy shows up with a uniform and says all the current Wonderbolts just dropped dead!”
Twilight caught on and slapped her hoof to her face. “Then you wished they weren't dead?”
“Bingo!” Rainbow turned her glare across the meadow.
“Do you still have the third wish?” Twilight asked.
“Yeah, but I’m scared to use it!” Rainbow’s eyes went wide. “What if it turns everypony into zombies, or turns me into a zombie, or turns them into super zombies!”
“Don’t worry.” Twilight took a deep breath. “I took 'Legal Drafting for Wishes and Negotiations with Extra-Dimensional Entities' back in school. If you guys can get me a pencil and paper and fight these things off for a few minutes, I should be able to write something.”
“We're on it!” Applejack said. She ran across the meadow towards the zombies as Rainbow Dash flew to her house and returned right away with a pencil and an old envelope.
Twilight got started on writing a properly closed wish, occasionally glancing across the meadow to see Applejack buck a zombie’s head off, or Rainbow Dash lift one into the air and drop it on another. Applejack really did look good, fighting with a grace she rarely showed day to day. And Twilight had to appreciate those muscles, and… this was not the time! Stupid cursed fruit. She turned her attention fully to the wish, and in about ten minutes she was fairly sure she had something that would undo all the damage, as long as the paw wasn’t a malevolent super-intelligence.
“Guys! Rainbow, get back here!” Twilight yelled. Her friends stopped their battle and hurried back towards her, easily outpacing the undead ponies.
“Here, Rainbow, hold the claw and read this.” She thrust the envelope into Rainbow’s hoof.
Rainbow hovered with the claw in one hoof and the envelope in the other and read: “I, Rainbow Dash, wish at this moment in time and for all moments hereafter that any and all prior wishes I have made using this object, one monkey’s paw, be undone completely, immediately, and without prejudice towards or continuing effects, including those of the previously mentioned prior wishes, on myself or any ponies, living or dead, currently under the effect of said wishes.”
The last finger of the claw closed. Across the meadow, Spitfire, Soarin, and Fleetfoot stood up, looking perfectly alive and very confused. They had a brief conversation and took off in the direction of Cloudsdale.
“What they hay is this thing?!” Rainbow waved the claw at Twilight.
“It’s—” She shook her head. “I’ll explain later. Do you know where Pinkie was going next?”
Rainbow’s eyes went wide. “Fluttershy’s! Come on!”
The four ponies ran to Fluttershy’s cottage. Twilight was exhausted by the time they got there, and she was happy to see that nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Maybe Fluttershy was out and hadn’t opened her gift.
As they approached the door, they heard Fluttershy’s soft but stern voice from inside.
“That’s all you’re getting today, mister. Overfeeding can be as bad as underfeeding, and I’m starting to feel faint.”
“Feed me!” A deep voice boomed.
A swarm of animals scurried out of Fluttershy's windows, peeking back inside from the safety of cover. Twilight cringed. She opened the door and she, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash rushed inside.
Fluttershy was standing in front of a plant… at least Twilight guessed it was a plant. It was in a flower pot, and it had a stem and leaves. But on top of those seemed to be a pod-like head, about the size of a watermelon. The animals left inside the cottage were peeking out from behind furniture and from inside mouseholes and birdhouses. Even Angel was crawling out from under the sofa. More disturbing, though, was the bloody bandage around Fluttershy’s hoof.
“Now, now, you don’t have to yell… oh, Twilight, I’m glad you’re here.” Fluttershy smiled at her friends. “This plant and I are having a bit of a disagreement, and I was wondering if there’s a spell in your library—”
“There is no library!” Twilight insisted reflexively.
Fluttershy looked startled and nodded. “Um, okay. A spell… somewhere? that could turn something else into pony blood.”
Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Fluttershy, have you been feeding this plant your blood?”
She looked at her hoof and blushed. “He seemed to want some very badly, and the only pony blood I had around was, well, mine…. but he perked right up after that!”
Twilight looked at her flatly. “This is a pony-eating plant.”
Fluttershy nodded. “Well, yes... but that’s not his fault.”
“No, but you can’t keep a pony-eating plant,” Twilight pointed out.
“Um, why not?” Fluttershy tilted her head, seeming confused.
“Because it eats ponies!” Rainbow Dash yelled.
“Different creatures have different dietary needs, you know. Not all animals are herbivors like ponies,” Fluttershy explained. “This plant just happens to eat, well, ponies. Pony blood, specifically. I was thinking—”
“Nope!” Applejack cut in. “I’m puttin’ my hoof down! Y’all are not keepin’ a plant that could have my sister for a snack.”
“Well, what do you expect me to do with it?” Fluttershy frowned.
Applejack narrowed her eyes. “Get the prunin’ shears.”
Fluttershy’s mouth dropped open, then she moved between Applejack and the plant, spreading her wings to block her friend, and looked at Applejack sternly. “That’s awful! This little plant never did anything to you!”
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “It’s been drinking your blood!”
Twilight sighed and covered her eyes with a hoof to think for a moment. “Fluttershy… I have something that I need to talk to Princess Celestia about containing. Maybe I can talk to her about someplace safe to move the plant.”
“Where somepony can feed him properly?” Fluttershy asked, with large, sad eyes.
“FEED ME!”
“That seems to be all he really wants.” She laid a loving hoof on top of the plant, then removed it quickly when it snapped at her.
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Yes. I don’t know how, but we’ll find some way to feed it properly. But it can’t stay here.”
“Well… I guess that would be okay.” Fluttershy nodded.
“For now…” Twilight looked to the sky for strength. “Let’s take it to the library. Which isn’t there. I’ll put a few more locks on the door. Then we’d better go see Rarity…”
Gob rolled his eyes. “Oh come on now! The monkey’s paw is a classic! How could anypony not know how it works?”
“Well I obviously didn’t!” Rainbow Dash flew towards him and glared.
“Your lack of cultural knowledge does not require me to offer a refund.” He shook his head. “Next you’re going to want me to put a warning label on the magic lamps, beware of djinn?"
“So you’re selling cursed mustard now, too?” Rainbow Dash poked him in the chest with a hoof.
Pinkie frowned. “Hey, I like mustard! You should be ashamed of yourself.”
“He means genie,” Princess Twilight explained. “And he shouldn’t be selling those, either!”
Gob ran a hoof through his stringy mane. “I’m not entirely sure you understand the nature of this business, Princess.”
“I must not, because from what I see, the nature of your business is selling cursed items to unsuspecting ponies that cause a bunch of magical problems!” The princess waved a hoof at the shop in general.
“Items of dubious enchantment. And I suppose that does sum it up,” Gob agreed.
“HOW IS THAT A REASONABLE BUSINESS MODEL?!” Princess Twilight shouted, earning excited squawks and calls from the covered birdcages in the corner and several other objects around the store.
“It's not about the items, it's about the experience. For a few bits, my customer gets something that makes the world more interesting, teaches lessons, rewards the clever and punishes the greedy,” Gob said calmly. “In Equestria, a shop like this is almost necessary. And somepony has to manage it, so here we are.”
“None of us got rewarded! Or learned anything!” Princess Twilight pointed out.
“I believe you have a date Friday night?” Gob raised an eyebrow.
Twilight glowered, and Rarity offered her a sympathetic look.
“He does have a point, darling.”
Gob went on, “And Miss Rainbow Dash has learned about taking care in making wishes.”
“You could have just told me!” Rainbow Dash insisted.
“And Miss Fluttershy had an interesting experience in horticulture.” Gob nodded at the yellow pegasus. “It’s always good to find out more about this amazing world of ours.
“Yes… but, um, now we have to find a home for a plant that eats pony blood,” Fluttershy said with a worried frown.
Gob shrugged. “Any plant you purchase will have special care instructions.”
“Oh… well, you’re right,” Fluttershy agreed. “Except ‘needs full sun and rocky soil’ is a little different than ‘feeds on pony blood.’”
“Well it comes out to the same thing, doesn’t it?”
Fluttershy considered. “Um… no.”
Gob sighed. “Look, I’m sorry ladies, I don’t have all evening. I was supposed to be closed forty five minutes ago, and it remains my policy not to offer refunds.”
Princess Twilight smirked mirthlessly. “Oh, but I haven’t even gotten to the part about trekking through the entire countryside to find the right swan and then waiting for Rarity to take off her cloak.”
“It really was a beautiful cloak. Had I know about the side effects, I would have simply reproduced it.” Rarity frowned at Gob. “I am not pleased that such a beautiful and unique item had to be destroyed.”
“And just so ya’ know, swans bite,” Applejack added.
Rarity rolled her eyes. “I said I was sorry.”
Gob quickly calculated the price of the items versus the time he was spending arguing about this and slowly developing a headache he was sure to have all evening. The no refunds rule had to remain firm. Otherwise he’d constantly have customers tracking him down after some scheme failed, he might as well go into the rental business. Of course, there was always another option: the secret weapon of retail managers everywhere...
“Fine. Fine, I... suppose I can offer store credit for the value of the items.”
Princess Twilight looked at him sternly. “We don’t want any more of—”
“Where is your jewelry?” Rarity cut in.
“In the glass case by the register.” He nodded in the direction. “May I recommend the amulet of Malfortuna? There’s no other diamond like it. It's only slightly more than the Swan Maiden's cloak cost.”
Princess Twilight stared in shock as her friends scattered throughout the store.
Applejack went straight for a pail by the door and looked over at Gob suspiciously. “You sure these beans are magic?”
“I’ve seen the results myself,” Gob offered. “100% magic, I don’t even cut them with a few kidney beans like some of my competitors. I'll give you the whole pail for your store credit, plus ten bits.”
“Are these treasure maps? Awesome!” Rainbow Dash said, unrolling parchments she found on a lower shelf.
“Oh Pinkie, look at this cute little thing!” Fluttershy said, holding a furry, brown and white creature the size of a teddy bear, with big eyes and huge pointed ears.
"What do you all think you're doing?!" Twilight shouted. Her friends stopped and blinked at her as she went on, "We just finished cleaning up after a bunch of cursed magic items from this store, I can't even open the door to my library right now, the owner has all but admitted that everything here is trouble, and you're all happy to just take something else to cause a whole new bunch of problems?"
There was silence for a few seconds, then Rarity held up ruby pendant in a black metal setting. "Darling, these are clearly vintage. This is practically a rescue mission!"
Applejack at least had the sense to look embarrassed as she muttered, "I reckon magic beans can't be much different from Zap Apples."
"He's so adorable!" Fluttershy said, cuddling the furry creature. "I know he needs a home."
Rainbow Dash shrugged, looking between two maps. "Sometimes you've gotta roll the dice, Twi."
"I mean really, what's the worst that can happen?" Pinkie asked with a grin.
Gob couldn't help smirking. "Perhaps you'd be interested in a one-of-a-kind copy of The Unending Tale, Princess?"
“Forget it,” Princess Twilight grumbled to Gob. “Girls! We’re leaving right now, and nopony is taking anything!”
Reluctantly, the other ponies set down or were pried away from their replacement items and ushered out of the store. After making totally sure that all her friends had left empty hooved, Princess Twilight frowned at Gob.
“I don’t want to see you in Ponyville again. And I will be writing a very strongly worded letter to the Magical Retailer Licensing Board.”
As the door creaked closed behind her, Gob sighed and walked over to lock it. Just typical, a bunch of ponies come in right before closing and don’t even buy anything. Tomorrow he’d have to try a new arrangement for the impulse items.
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I'm gong to have difficulty not calling Fluttershy 'Seymour' from now on.
Loved this fic when I read it in the writeoff, so glad to see it here.
I've always enjoyed characters that specifically try to invoke tropes, and Gob is a very amusing example of such.
5633668
The real reason Equestria Girls isn't live action is that Rick Moranis retired.
5633680
Thanks!
i0.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/006/077/so_good.png
twilight doesn't seem to understand that she has the power to detain both him, and the items in that store until such time that a proper investigation can be completed. if police men can do it, then a princess of a country definitely can.
5633753
That depends on the Constitution of Equestria.
I really liked this fic. This deserves a sequel of which I'm unsure on how it would go down.
5633762 yeah, i guess. but even if the princess have something like what america has, i can't see them not having that power. to me, it just wouldn't make sense. but then again, that's me.
still, it was an awesome story!
5633789
Twilight wasn't able to do anything when Rainbow Dash accidentally sold Fluttershy into indentured servitude—a recognized form of slavery—against her will. Methinks the legal system of Equestria doesn't follow American laws.
5633806 she couldn't because it was a 'fair trade.' stupid, i know. but that's kind of recognized even in the real world. and she wouldn't be doing anything against the purchase itself, but would be stopping him from continuing with his business until she could get an investigation going. see what i mean?
5633814
Just wanted to point out that what Gob is doing is legal, in terms of selling the items. Twilight is just unsatisfied and wants a refund. An argument that Twilight can make, and she intends to make to the Magical Retailer Licensing Board, is false advertising, though Gob claims the nature of the shop should be enough warning for its contents.
This was really excellent. I can't remember the last time a comedy on this site had me laughing so much. It even has puns, which I wasn't expecting (for all that ponydom is replete with them).
'cause I'm all writerly (or should that be Writerly), I do want to mention two other things, though:
(1) Using Old Gob as a perspective character was genius. Which isn't to say it was an unexpected choice, but it was unquestionably the right choice. This story would have been quite a bit less good if you'd centered it on someone else. Choosing to tell a story involving all of the Mane Six but using an OC perspective is something I suspect many authors wouldn't shoot for, but good on you for doing so. I was really pleased with that.
(2) Not a whole lot to say here, but I think this is the best writing I've seen from you, on a lower-level technical side. I'm usually impressed with your skill on structure, characterization, etc, but this reads better than I remember your writing usually reading. Which also made me happy. And which isn't to say I don't usually like your writing. I do—but there are certainly other writers whose prose I like better. That's still true, but to me this felt like it came in a noticeable notch higher, and that was great to read.
So all around, great job! And congratulations on getting second (/beating me out of second) on this month's write-off!
This was excellent. I've only had a chance to skim-read it on my phone so far, and I'll be sure to give this a proper thorough read-through once I get home and have access to a stable internet connection and a proper keyboard. But from what I've seen, I know I'll probably enjoy it even more.
Also, side note, but this felt very Terry Pratchett for me (which is a good thing). From the description to Gob's attitude to the prose in general... though this may be influenced from just finishing Good Omens a few hours ago. Either way, great story. I can't stress that enough.
It feels really good to come here to say, "Great in the writeoff, and great here," and have been beaten to it twice already.
This was awesome! Cheered me up a lot! Thanks! It reminded me of a shop I once made fro a D&D campaign, "Jervik's Second Severed Hand Adventuring Goods Emporium and Mortuary."
Very amusing. I loved the feeling of recognition as I saw what each cursed item was about to be. Especially Audrey II.
Was the Amulet of Malfortuna supposed to represent any particular tale, or just some generic cursed amulet?
*Alondro gets the Monkey's Paw*
Heh heh heh heh... no matter how my wishes are twisted, I still win... For I have mastered Xanatos Roulette!
5633806 And we all know Spike is basically a slave...
5633753 Nah, according to THAT ONE COMIC, Twilight can't even use her magic to stop criminals in the middle of the act of committing a crime.
Even though that's utterly retarded...
Isn't Twilight a princess? Couldn't she just make selling this stuff illegal?
5634953 Yes, but Twilight is "lawfull stupid" to use a D&D term. Even if she liked her positron, I doubt she would decree stuff. Additionally even if she was the sort to decree things to solve her problems, she wouldn't do it for everything. Twilight is too intelligent to do that, she knows that laws have far reaching consequences, especially in a complex legal system like we assume Equestria has.
And I can see Tirek finding this place with the old pony going into a total panic...
This was awesome.
An amazing read, even the second time around.
VS.
"Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony." —Monty Python and the Holy Grail
I love you
Holy shit, your fic currently has a 1:2 like to view ratio.
What is this?
I wonder if Gob knows about his competition? The Alicorn Amulet being a relatively high-profile artifact, I can see why he might need that no refunds policy. Business must be killer.
EDIT: Or, re-reading the description of Gob, has he relocated? It didn't seem like Trixie was getting her merchandise in Ponyville...
Dashie has a point. If AJ is attracted to mares, she's definitely attracted to Twilight. And it started in the Season One opener, so they've been showing this since the start of the series. Applejack definitely likes Twilight a lot, and has since they first met.
But why would AJ be subtle anyway? She's Honesty.
Ouch.
Dark Magic isn't inherently evil, or it would be called Evil Magic.
5635290 the shop vanishes everytime he closes and reappears somewhere else randomly in the world when he opens. he wasn't in ponyville when Trixie shopped there, but he was for this story
At least Gob is a little more up front with his items than the wizard that runs Spells r Us. (google it. but be warned that some SRU tales are NSFW)
D'aaaw! Now I really want to see Flutters and Gizmo!
....Hehehehehehehe,,,,
After reading this, Bookplayer, you owe me a new set of sides. This story is indeed (dubiously) enchanting.
For this joke, I offer you my condiments.
i.imgur.com/icDAk.gif
This was too good. I can't even give you feedback because I keep giggling whenever I try to think over it again.
This was a really funny and enjoyable read. I loved the classic cursed items and the Twijack element was very well done. Overall, great comedic exploration of a classic trope.
HE GETS IT.
5633839
I have no idea what the law is like in America, but in Australia Gob is totally breaking the law. It doesn't really have anything to do with the buyer being unsatisfied, and more to do with what explicit and implicit promises the seller made when he sold them. See, unless all the items specifically stated what they would do, then the fact remains that they cannot perform as advertised, or to an acceptable standard assumed by a layperson. As its written, this is an open and shut case of false advertising, but it goes even further than that, its illegal to make a false or misleading impression. To quote the ACCC, "Businesses are not allowed to make statements that are incorrect or likely to create a false impression" which Gob more or less outright states he does. Furthermore, also from the ACCC "For example, businesses cannot make false claims about...the sponsorship, performance characteristics, accessories, benefits or use of products and services". So yeah, suuuuper illegal.
This is grounds for a refund regardless of what the seller says. In fact, I think its actually a fine-able offense to even claim the contrary. I guess it comes down to expectations, and yes I guess that is somewhat covered by what Gob says about the nature of the shop but it still remains that the items all had unadvertised negative aspects that a layperson would not be reasonably expected to assume and this story makes it clear Gob went out of his way to avoid advertising these un-assumable functions.
....anyway, all of this is moot because, like I said, that's only applicable to Australia, and the laws are probably very different in America, to say nothing of the laws in Equestria. Still, just an observation I'd thought I'd make.
This was an outstanding little story :)
5635987
The only impression Gob is really trying to present is that he's running a creepy shop full of mysterious magical items. He's actually trying to exaggerate the true impression. The question is whether that and his phrasing of "dubiously enchanted" are enough to warn ponies that the things they're buying are not what they seem.
All of the items did work as advertised-- as he says, the apple brought Applejack her true love. Just not in the way she expected. Rainbow Dash was made a Wonderbolt. Fluttershy was enjoying her plant, and he and Twilight went over the legalities of possession of the Neighcronomicon. They just have... side effects, but finding those (he argues) is part of the experience.
I love this story. It could very well be the basis for an entire 'verse of hilarious stories.
I just love how Twilight is familiar with the shop and how it works. It has a reputation, I imagine there are advisories put out for it and the moving nature of the shop is to temporarily avoid reprisals more than anything else.
That is, unless there is a whole collection of shops that magically move around Equestria because they are so specialized that they can only expect a few jobs per town. That'd be an interesting premise.
Reminds me in the story "Chasing The Moon" by A. Lee Martinez of the Mexican restaurant that randomly disappears and reappears, and anyone caught inside while it moved is never seen again, but is considered an acceptable risk because they make the best tacos.
This, this right here was where you completely had me. (I actually had to stop reading right there just to favourite.)
Priceless.
This is absolutely stellar. Great comedy, fun classic references, and just all around a good read. I'm a wee bit disappointed that we didn't see Celestia arrive to take the Neighcronomicon, but I won't hold that against you.
Curious; that's exactly my reaction to the pun too.
oh crap
Bookplayer, please never cease being your awesome self. This is brilliant.
Well excuse ME princess. You aren't much of a catch yourself.
*storms off in a huff*
Well, if she's going to be talking to Celestia about moving the plant, just feed it Blueblood. Heck, if anything he'll taste so bad it'll turn the plant off pony blood.
Yeah, I can see why he's having trouble. He doesn't have professionally dribbled candles, or an ominous creature's skull with a raven on it.
Cutting costs like that'll definitely bring in the wrong kind of customer. The kind that want... refunds. Or worse, enchanted items that aren't of dubious nature and intent!
This story is amazing, though. I loved all the references, and the humour is handled very well. Great job.
But what did the Swan Cloak do? I want to know.
5637689
Probably turned her into a swan. I think it's from a fairy tale or Swan Lake.
Conclusion: A nice way to pass treadmill time. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Aww... Nothing wrong with a little bit of Apple wincest on occasion.
Don't go away unhappy, Twilight. All you need is help from Rick Sanchez!
img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20140529171531/fictionalcompanies/images/2/2e/CursePurgePlus.png
Curse Purge Plus! Why get dicked over by cursed items when you don't have to?
Interesting.
5636564
Im sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you.
The impression he gives with the store and the impression he gives with the items are entirely separate, and he states that when he told the truth, ponies didn't buy his product, so he started using misleading impressions. That is illegal.
Yes and no. They did do what they advertised, but they all also did something else that fundamentally makes that irrelevant. Take the monkeys paw. Its advertised to grant wishes, except the fact that the wishes all have strong negative components means that its more or less unusable even if it does technically do as advertised. Imagine a fridge that cools your food but also rots it in 5 seconds. You can't honestly tell me that someone who bought that wouldn't be entitled to a refund. Yes, it does function as advertised, but no one can use it because of an unadvertised additional feature that someone wasn't given the impression it did.
If I state X does Y, then I am giving the impression that X does Y, only Y and to a commonly assumed level of satisfaction. All of Gob's products make implicit promises that they break since they all do something that was unadvertised and drastically alters how the product can be used, and he did not give the impression that this was the case.
There is also the problem that all of Gob's products are inherently unsafe and none of the dangers were properly advertised. When you buy a product, it is implied to be safe to use, which none of these were.
Like I said, the ACCC claims "For example, businesses cannot make false claims about...the sponsorship, performance characteristics, accessories, benefits or use of products and services"
All these negative side effects fall into the categories of performance characteristics and benefits or use of products and services.
The fact remains, Gob is a massive fraud.
EDIT:
I thought of something else.
I think its rather telling you described the negative aspects of these products as 'side effects'. You do realize that pharmaceuticals and the like have to actually advertise their side effects, right? It's not illegal for them to have side effects, just to not advertise them, because if a product isn't advertised to have side effects then that is giving the impression that it has none.
Also, the fact that he says he's selling an experience is telling too, since his views on that more or less amount to the fact that he has to mislead his customers for them to get the unexpected experience he wants them to, which means he's knowingly misleading them.