Twilight's Golden Age

by Bitpull

How Much Would You Charge to Haunt a House?

Heading out past the city limits, Twilight finished paging through the issue of Clue Comics Chipper had lent her. I was right, not that different from Mare-Do-Well or the Power Ponies. Aloud she said, "So Chipper, your Twilight is one of the heroes in this comic…"

"Yes?" Chipper said, a little apprehensive.

"Does that mean you guys are comic book heroes, too?"

At that the Reckoner squinted his eyes, like he'd gotten a sudden migraine. Chipper looked at Twilight in panic, making downward motions with the hand not holding the top hat.

She got the message and changed the subject. "Have you worked with Twilight before this?"

"No," said a relieved Chipper. "This would have been our first team-up. Although it's not the usual kind of case for any of us."

"How so?"

"Well… all this magic. Both us and Twilight generally have pretty down-to-earth villains. Actually, it's kind of funny that a magician would send Twilight away, only to get another Twilight who's actually a magician in exchange."

"Yeah, funny…" said Twilight. But maybe not unexpected. From what I know of the Voudoun, they grant wishes as they see fit, which might or might not match up with their supplicants' expectations. It would be just like them to pick me because of my magic! Of course, I'd still be stuck in that motor court if this world's Twilight hadn't sent a message to his friends. How about that – even here the Magic of Friendship comes to the rescue!

After twenty minutes or so the cab came in sight of a ramshackle mansion, isolated and forbidding. This neighborhood's haunted house, in fact.

"There it is," said the Reckoner. He parked as near the driveway as he dared and the party edged up to the house. Through gestures, the Reckoner directed Chipper and Twilight to go around to the back, while he and Snoopy took to the front. Everyone nodded and moved out.

"Why aren't there any guards?" whispered Twilight.

Chipper shrugged. "Lack of manpower. It really feels like Madame Juju has a small operation."

"Let's hope so," said Twilight before lapsing back into radio silence.

The back door was locked, but the window next to it wasn't, and a little purple magic raised it with little or no fuss.

Twilight and Chipper crept through the darkened halls, Twilight's horn giving a low level of illumination. This place is much bigger than it looks from outside, she thought.

She whispered, "Chipper? What was that about you guys and comic books? If your Twilight's in one, shouldn't you be too?"

Chipper sighed. "We were. I'm not sure why the Reckoner doesn't realize it, I think it's because I'm closer in age to the target audience. But yes, we had a short run as a back-up in Cat-Man Comics, followed by two stories in Terrific Comics. Since then, nothing."

"You mean, we're not in a comic right now?" On one level, that was disappointing – she'd been thinking all she had to do was wave a hoof and call, "Hi Spike!" to give her #1 assistant a thrill. "So… this isn't part of a comic book story, this adventure in a haunted house?"

"I like to think that if they ever publish us again, we'll have a heck of a backlog. But that's why we could team up with Twilight and Snoopy; they had an even shorter run, only seven stories, none of them cover-featured, and for a different publisher. This may be a kind of limbo for old comic characters, but the danger is very real. If we don't find Betty Ann Noakes, she could even die!" And he resumed the search.

Light shown through a nearby doorway. Creeping up, the alicorn and the adolescent saw three figures: two male humans, light brown this time, in flamboyant if ragged clothes. Between them was a female human with blonde hair, in a simple white shift, almost a toga. Nobody was speaking but the girl had an angry look in her eyes.

Twilight gave Chipper a wink and flapped her wings gently. Rising to a hover she floated into the room, giving the startled guards a brief look at her before turning off the lights with her magic.

"What the –––!"

"Good Lord! (Choke)"

Then her horn started flashing in assorted colors. Kind of like the disco ball at the Fall Formal. She didn't want to expend the energy for a full transformation, but she made her wings appear more batlike and her teeth more fangsome.

"Who calls the Spirits of Magic?" she declaimed in a sharp voice, calculated not to carry beyond the room. "Who is willing to risk their soul?"

Chipper, feeling the moment, gave out a very creditible moan.

"YAAAAAH!"

"THEY'RE AFTER US!"

The two of them nearly collided, running out the back way. For her part the girl was transfixed, not sure where safety lay.

"It's okay, Miss Noakes, we're here to rescue you," said Chipper.

"Oh, thank Heaven!" And she planted a big kiss on the young boy's surprised face. I can almost see the valentines sprout around his head, thought Twilight. "Do you know what they were going to do to me?"

"Well," said Chipper, "we know they wanted to sacrifice a virgin. That's you, right?"

"Of course it is! That time with Freddy doesn't count, we were both drunk!"

"Right. Well, Chipper can take you out to the car. I've got to see where Madame Juju keeps her spells."

"I can help you there! I saw where she kept her stuff at today's rehearsal! Everything is set up down in the basement!"

"Then that's where we're headed," said Twilight, gesturing for the victim to lead the way.

Meanwhile the Reckoner and Snoopy were feeling their way along a dark hall passage.

This place is much bigger than it looks from outside, thought the Reckoner. We should be fine as long as we don't –

"What are you doing here?" said a newcomer in a ragtag costume, which wasn't as important as his angry look and tense muscles, not to mention his almost identical friend.

– run into anybody. "Someone call for a cab?" Oops! Wrong identity!

"We don't like having strangers around. Ever." And the two started advancing.

"Looks bad, Snoopy – Snoopy??" Great, the mutt had taken a powder. Still, there's only two of them.

Which is when three more showed up behind them.

The Reckoner was a hero, but not stupid. He about-faced and took off like a jackrabbit, the colorful crowd chasing after him with cries of "Get him!" and "Stop him!" as well as a few less printable.

Stumbling through a dark house, trying not to make more noise than necessary, it's easy to become disoriented. The Reckoner found himself in a large room, perhaps a dining area, with burly henchmen coming at him from two sides.

Suddenly a whistle cut through the melee. The Reckoner saw Snoopy, sitting on a small desk next to a bronze bust of Edgar Wallace. He pointed to the center of the ceiling.

The Reckoner saw a large brass light fixture overhead. He wasn't sure if this was what Snoopy had in mind, but the bad guys were almost on top of him – up seemed the safest place to be at the moment.

He gave a very impressive jump and hauled himself up into the branches. At the same time Snoopy tilted Edgar's head back and pushed a red button in the facial cavity.

The floor split in half, dumping the security team into a plain metal holding cell. Almost immediately the pieces swung back into place, and the Reckoner made landfall.

"That was… just great, Snoopy! Looks like you're the hero this time!"

Snoopy blew on his knuckles and buffed them on his chest.

Twilight was plowing through the notes and notions in Madame Juju's rather messy work area, while Chipper and Betty Ann did their best to disassemble the altar, censers and other ritualistic paraphernalia.

"So, you're a unicorn princess?" said Betty Ann. "From a magic land of talking ponies?"

"Little busy here," said Twilight. "And the term is, 'alicorn.' I'm surprised you haven't run into anything like me before, this world does have magic, after all."

"Yeah, well, there hasn't been any magic in my life. I mean, some day I would love to glabble bah ma moo moo wake na…"

"…Sorry? What was that again?"

"Glx sptzl glaah," said Betty Ann, and then she sat on the floor and began to cry her eyes out.

"Betty? Are you all right?" Twilight ran over to check. She seemed all right physically, but she was waving her fists like –

"Gwan Po Po!" said Chipper, before he, too, started sniffling and then full-throated bawling.

Age magic was something Twilight hadn't studied much; she'd meant to get more into it after the Alicorn Amulet incident, but other matters always seemed more pressing. Besides, this isn't true age magic, they haven't actually regressed, they're just convinced they have. That should be easier to fix.

"Begone, demon steed!" came an aged, yet commanding voice. An woman, no, a crone stepped into the room, dark eyes flashing. She had a green skirt, a white blouse with a rather patchwork vest, a red bandana and gold earrings. Overrall, thought Twilight, her look owes more to Roamany than the Carriagebean.

"Leave this place! The hour draws nigh!" Madame Juju made a mystic gesture that might have seemed threatening if Twilight were actually affected by it. She doesn't know what I am, so I'm safe for the moment, but it won't take her long to find an effective spell. Twilight groaned. I don't have time for this! I have to find those spells, and defend myself against unfamiliar magic –

Wait – suppose I did both at once?

The papers and bottles in Madame Juju's area started to wiggle and jump; they flew upwards in a whirlpool of purple energy.

"NOOOO!" cried Madame Juju. "You'll ruin everything!"

"Displacement spell!" called Twilight. "Blood sacrifice! Infantilizing spell!"

Despite herself, Madame Juju's eyes flicked over the spells named, the papers glowing red as she registered them, even if for a fraction of a second. Twilight immediately seized them in her beam and let everything else fall to the ground. Juju looked at the mess in anguish, calling for her men who, unknown to her, were stuck in her hidden cell.

The infantilism spell was the easiest to break, which was convenient. Twilight muttered a short cantrip and cast a healing aura on her human companions. Betty Ann and Chipper started blinking, picked themselves up.

"What happened?" said Chipper. "Did the place explode?"

"Later," said Twilight. "I've got what we need, let's get out of here."

"Amen to that, sister," said Betty Ann, and the three ran upstairs as fast as possible, Madame Juju's imprecations following them.

The alicorn and her human friends paused outside the ramshackle house. "Where's the Reckoner and Snoopy?" said Twilight.

"Dunno, but they better get out here before the fire starts," said Chipper.

"Fire? How did – Did you set anything?" Twilight began.

Before Chipper could answer the roof exploded and flames started to spread.

"Didn't have to do anything," said Chipper. "One way you know the adventure is over, is the evil lair burns down."

"Why are we just standing around?" said Betty Ann.

"We're waiting for our friends – oh, there they are now."

Silhouetted against the rising flames, a man in a top hat and strangely immaculate tuxedo strode forward, accompanied by a smaller figure with a yellow scarf, a swagger stick, and a leather helmet with goggles.

Twilight frowned. "Snoopy, why are you dressed like a Wonderbolt?"

"Huh?"

"Never mind," the alicorn said, turning to the sound of police and fire sirens. "Let's get out of here. Everyone, hold onto me!" And with a burst of light she teleported the group to the Reckoner's cab.

Avoiding official vehicles was second nature for an experienced hack such as the Reckoner. Beside him Chipper was holding his hat as always, casting disgusted looks at the backseat.

Snoopy was sitting in Betty Ann's lap as she petted him and called him a good boy, yes he was, so brave to save her like that. Snoopy rolled his eyes heavenward in sheer bliss.

Beside him, Twilight likewise rolled her eyes, but for a different reason. Shaking her head, she went back to reading Madame Juju's notes, a feeling of excitement building in her.

After twenty minutes or so they pulled up in front of a boarding house. Winnie Summers was on the porch, shooting up to greet them.

"FREDDY!" called Betty Ann, hugging her roommate and crying and laughing at the same time.

"I thought her name was Winnie," said Twilight.

"It's short for Winifred," said the Reckoner. "She could go either way."

"You're telling me," muttered Chipper.

After a clandestine raid on the botanical gardens (which was scary) and a trip to the all-night drug store (which was scarier) Twilight had the ingredients she needed. They went back to Sgt. Gardner's room at the motor court, upending the bed alongside the wall while Twilight laid out a pentagram in baby powder. Placing the votive candles where needed and lighting the herbs and oils, she recited the incantation. A cone of white light opened from the center of the pentagram.

"This is it! Reckoner, Chipper, thank you so much! Come on, Snoopy, it's time to go home!"

"Bye!" squeaked the beagle. He and Twilight ran toward the light, becoming white outlines that shrank and coalesced into a golf-ball sized mass before expanding into two forms, one much larger than the other. The light slowly died down, revealing a multicolored parrot and a male human in a furry costume that was torn and smoking in places.

"Welcome back, guys!" called Chipper.

"Wow, Twilight, you look like you've been through the wars," said the Reckoner.

Twilight gasped for breath. "I'll just say this – if ever you fight a ring-tailed roarer, lead off with the cocoanut cream pie!"

"Rawwk! At least you had some excitement," said the parrot. "I got stuck with a bunch of neurotic kids!"

"Sounds like you've got quite a story to tell, and so do we," said the Reckoner. "Who's up for Chinese?"

"Save me an egg roll!" called Snoopy.

So the four of them repaired to Ho Fat's, which meant they were on hand to break up the white slaver's ring, but that's another team-up.

In another place, a certain round-headed kid was listening to a complaint from his younger sister.

"No, I didn't leave your stupid ice cream cones on the kitchen counter! I want you to do something about that stupid beagle of yours! I think he's finally lost his mind! He tore the wings off my angel costume for the Christmas Pageant!"

* * * * *

"Here's the majestic Alicorn Prince surveying his realm from his Crystal Palace. His subjects adore him for his boundless compassion, his infinite wisdom, and enough sheer magical power to split mountains.

"Suddenly he sees a black-haired gorgon…"

* * * * *

For her part, Twilight found herself back in her own bed. I didn't just dream all that, did I?

"Hey!" said a little yellow filly with a big red bow. "Our Twilight's back!" And she ran outside Twilight's chambers. Nope, not a dream…

In seconds the room was filled with her five best friends as well as the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

"Didja fight a super villain?"

"Darling, I'm so glad that vulgarian has gone back where he came from! I shudder to think about what his claws did to your marble floors…" (Claws? So much for "Thoroughbred"…)

"First he was all panicky and stuff, but I gave him one of my extra super duper peanut butter-salami-and-onion popovers and then he calmed down."

The babble rose until finally Twilight laughed, "Girls, girls, I'll be glad to tell you everything that happened, and I want to hear how Mister Twilight took to Ponyville, but let's get this down for the record. Spike! Oh, Spi-ike!"

Out stepped a small white dog with floppy black ears, a rather large nose, a bedraggled mustache, a battered fedora and a hangdog look.

And Princess Twilight Sparkle gave the only possible response: "Good Grief."

Author's Note:

Six two and even, over and out.

Comments

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Huh. Well, that was... odd.

I'm not quite sure why this story got so many downvotes; I mean, it's hardly the best story around, but it doesn't seem *that* bad...