• Member Since 15th Dec, 2014
  • offline last seen Apr 11th, 2015

Rainbow__Sparkle


My friends my be better, but I stick with being myself which is better than being a king.

E

Rainbow Dash never thought Applejack would want to do things without Rainbow Dash, but she does. When Applejack starts to let Lightning Dust in the mane six, Rainbow Dash try's to fit in with the two of them, but Lightning Dust thinks otherwise. The more Rainbow Dash try's to fit in with the two of them the more Lightning Dust pushes Rainbow Dash away. Rainbow Dash will just be a forgotten pony.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 1 )

I write you, because I didn't like if someone just downvotes a story without some reason why.
(No, i didn't vote yet, as I hope your story turns out better as it seems at the moment)

To the grammar:
There were not much distracting typos (so I didn't spot any - although they could be there)

But your sentences are very... wooden. You write in 1st-Person (what is really hard) and you try to get RDs personality in your writing. But just adding some catchphrases (like the 20%-cooler thing) doesn't do the job. One reason is, that you use the same word over and over again (like skies, sky sky sky alone in the first paragraph).
Try to vary your words. And try to write more like one would think. Or especially how Rainbow would think.

To the story:
Its a bit of a strange setup.

Some actions of Rainbow Dash seem a really off.
- "I felt never so free in my life"... Rainbow does this the whole time. She propably appreciates the feeling of flying at all. But superlatives like this are very odd at this place.

- The sudden panic when she didn't find AJ on the farm. I mean... there are plenty of other reasons. And after all AJ had lived her whole life on the farm. If some one tried to 'took her' ... I would bet the only thing he gets is a nice buck in the 'where-it-hurts'
Why did RD freak out?

The same goes for AJ
- She knows, that RD is one of the reliablest pegasi ever (Element of Loyalty after all) and then she gets just a postcard from Las Pegasus and shrugs it of? No way.

- AJ is descripted as stubborn and not as forgiving as for example Twilight or Fluttershy. So there has to be a reason at least WHY the hay she is all fine with Lightning Dust.

And Lightning Dusts description is very bland at the moment. Why did she act like that? Why did she try to break in the group and Why did she threat RD? They share a history together (she acts a bit like Gilda VS Pinkie - is this intentional?)
There is some background necessary. Your readers have to understand why she act like this. (Because without reason it's just 'evil for the lulz'.)

And if its going to get some kind of revenge-plot... then its just too blunt to work.

- The thing with the postcard is... very obvious, as the words of LD "Step one" and so....
One word of Rainbow to AJ could reveal the whole thing (I assume that AJ would more likely believe Rainbow. She is - after all - her friend for a long time and they share adventures, experiences, dangers, problems and good times.)

So there are a few issues to take care off, if you want to convince your reader, to believe your story.

All in all - you could pull a plot like this. You need just more description and reasons for the single character actions.

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