Wasteland

by AlphaOmega

Chapter 1

Balance is the vital element to keeping peace. Without balance, there is no control, only greed. Without balance, there are no morals, only sin. Without balance, there is no good, only evil. The ponies of old did not understand this. They fought until the land bloodied with their own kin’s blood. Ponykind threw away what made them creatures of balance. Love, friendship, bonds…all weakness. They hardened their hearts to the world, and the world, in turn, shunned them. Magic throughout the land began to cease. The ponies quickly gathered what was left and, once they had enough for themselves, they took from those who they felt did not deserve it. They horded it in their forts and bunkers, threatening all who would oppose them.

In the end, the magic tainted, no longer able to maintain balance. Little by little, as ponykind used up the magic reserves fighting each other, their minds became tainted with greed and power. The magic itself began to seep into the lands. No trees or flowers grew. Animals mutated into abominations. Crops withered and died. Then, ponies died.

A war of which the like ponykind had never seen began. Without magic, pony kind became crafty. They built weapons of death, everything from projectiles spewing forth from a mechanical beast to enormous effigies of metal and fire. But it was not enough. Great minds began to work together to finally trounce their enemies. They discovered the potent energy in the tainted magic. With it, they created the most deadly weapon in history.

But they moved too fast. In almost a blink of an eye, the world lit up in a great ball of fire, the likes of which not even Celestia’s sun was able to best. Those who gazed upon the horizon of death were blinded. Those who felt it melted into puddles of liquid. Plants and wildlife burned. The heat alone was felt all across the land, making it near impossible to walk upon the scorched earth.

With the success of this weapon, ponykind once again fought for magic. They had no control, only greed. They had no morals, only sin. There was no good…only evil. And thus, the Source of magic saw fit that those who abused the gift of nature were to be punished, along with all their kin.

And thus, ponykind was cursed. Magic disappeared completely. Terrible disasters of nature struck the land; hurricanes, tornadoes, earth quakes. The ponies hid themselves from the above world and retreated to the hollows of the ground. And thus, the upper world was destroyed.

This is the history all know. What really happened…is a much more interesting story.

“Oi! Wake up!” A voice from the darkness called. “You’ll be late for your job interview!”

Pandora kept her eyes shut. Hopefully the voice would notice she was asleep and let her be.

“I know you can hear me!”

Why can’t she ever need me during the day? Pandora groaned. With a deep sigh, she stood up from her bed, turning off the night lamp.

“Yes ma’am! I’m right here!” She responded enthusiastically. A stout mare appeared in the doorway, face fuming. White Flour was as white as her name with stark blue eyes that seemed to seep into your soul if she stared at you hard enough. Her blonde hair was done in in a bun so obnoxiously big it took all of Pandora’s morning attitude to not smile. Flour was wearing her typical head maid outfit that was several sizes too small.

Flour huffed. “Look at you! It’s seven in the mornin’! How can ye still be in bed!?” She rush over to Pandora’s closet. “Don’t you know what day it is?”

Pandora rubbed the sleep from her eyes. “Uh…remind me again?” She of course knew what day it was, but, never one to miss out on a good joke, she played dumb.

“For the love of Celestia…never remember a damn thing do ya? It’s Tuesday!”

And there is the ball drop. Flour always had to exaggerate things. To start, maids don’t have to get up until 7:10. Second, they were not required to wear a maid’s outfit if the mayor was not home. And lastly, there is absolutely nothing special on Tuesday.

“Ah yes.” Pandora sighed. “I take it the governor is not home today?”

Flour stopped her rifling of the closet. “It…isn’t so good. There was a problem with sector 17 again. A riot broke out and the governor had to
make an appearance. I don’t personally stick my head in his business, as it’s unbefitting of a maid, but he shouldn’t have-“

“What was it about this time?”

Flour scoffed. “Same nonsense as usual: wanting to go outside, ‘Celestia calling them’, or something about the Source.”

Pandora stopped at the bathroom door. “The Source?”

Flour didn’t even flinch. “Yeah. I swear, people will believe anything the history book says if it means livin’ another day hopin’ for a better
future.” She pulled out a medium maid outfit. “They gotta learn to work like the rest of us, or at least be useful. I saw one of the ruffians yesterday at my house trying to slip some paper under my door! The handlers questioned me for an hour if I was trying some fishy business.” She grabbed a satchel from the upper shelf marked “Pandora”. “Finally gave ‘em the slip when some of the rioters were having a party again in sector 16.” Then she paused and looked at Pandora. “Not that I got anythin’ to hide.”

Pandora sighed. Typical Flour. Paranoid, extremist, and gossiper. The stereotype is too easy. “I’ll just be a few minutes in the bathroom.” She began to shut the door.

“Hold it!” The head maid blocked the door with her horn. “Let me check under those wings.”

Pandora laughed. “Oh come now. You know me! I can’t go a day without them…”

“Stop.” Flour put a hoof out. “Hand them over.” Pandora sighed loudly and audibly. “You win, you old coot.” She handed Flour the bag of happy pills.

“It’s for your own good Panny.”She said. “You know these can cause problems if used too often. Governor allows us to use them after stressful days, not every night.”

Pandora sighed again. “You are right. I am wrong. May I use the bathroom now?”

Flour made an ‘I’m watching you look’ before closing the door. Pandora smiled. Ruffling her mane, 2 pills fell out. Nice try old coot. No one was able to get in the way of Pandora’s good time, even if it was every morning. Happy pills did exactly as the name implied. For 2 seconds of the foul tasting pills, the swallower received 4 hours of perfect bliss. It was even difficult for Pandora to explain. It felt like you could do anything and everything. Her speech even changed. She could smooth talk any situation. Dark rooms suddenly burst with light. It was such a magical experience she had taken to hoarding them on the weekends to use them during the week.

The typical rules on any weekday, Happy pills were not allowed to be used. They were meant to be taken after long stressful days for soothing nights or on weekends when the maids were allowed off. To use them was a violation of the tenants, though no one particularly paid attention to them as long as the handlers weren’t around.

Pandora smiled to herself. With a mouthful of water, she downed the pills, trying to ignore their taste. It would take about an hour to really kick in, but her body seemed to have become immune to some of the pills effects. She didn’t speak gibberish anymore and could stand on her four legs. The hallucinations were mild now and relaxed her.

She washed her face and wet a towel. Maids were allotted 30 minutes of water for hygene a day. Pandora found it best to just wet a towel and giver herself a good scrubbing. Most of the grime from the day’s work came off and the smell of dirt was replaced with bland nothingness.

Good enough for me, she snickered.

There was a knock on the door. “C’mon Panny! If ya don’t hurry up, how am I gonna get my hair in order? I have to look pretty in case a suitor comes today!”

Pandora rolled her eyes. Rapunzel was as annoying as mares who have no life get. She had delusions of a handsome prince charming coming in one day to see her working hard but gracefully. Then, he would whisk her away to a magical world above the ground. One year, when a suitor came to see the Governor’s daughter, she used all her money to buy a beautiful dress, only to be cruelly rejected when she leapt onto the suitor’s back.

Doubtful she’ll ever get a husband at this rate. “I’ll be done soon Rap! Just hand me the clothes Flour put out.” A second later, the door opened and the tan earth pony hung the outfit from the nearby hook. “Thanks.” She responded. Then a thought occurred to her. “Say, Rap, did you know that Flour may be getting engaged?”

Silence. Wait for it…

“WHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTT?!” Rapunzel yelled. “THAT OLD COOT IS GETTING MARRIED BEFORE ME? WITH HER UGLY RAGS AND UGLY FACE AND UGLY EVERYTHING?!”

“Yes.” Pandora snickered. “She mentioned something about a suitor coming by today. She plans to wear her most beautiful gown to win him over. He is apparently absolutely beautiful.”

Rapunzel stood quiet for a moment, not even breathing. “Never. I won’t let her win! I’ll wear my best ever!”

Oh this should be good. “Oh by the way, make sure to wear lots of yellow and sunflowers.”

“Ah! I see. He is a stallion of bright colors and eloquent flowers, though, I don’t know about about sunflowers-“

“Oh don’t worry about that!” Pandora smiled. “He will absolutely love it.”

As Rapunzel left, Pandora barely contained a snicker before bursting into peals of laughter. “Oh my CELESTIA she fell for it! I didn’t think that
she was so shallow that she’d do anything to find a stallion.” Pandora very much enjoyed her little “games”, as she called them. Some called it irritating, others a hazard to her and everyone around her. She’d been warned time and time again not to mess around while on the job.

Though what do you expect of someone named after one of the most chaotic events in pony history, if you believe in the myths.

Putting on her clothes, Pandora did a quick mental checklist of the day’s events. The Governor always gave a list of to-do for the maids in case he was away. If only she could…ah! “Knew it. Left it in the damn pocket.” She pulled out the list while she did her hair.

“Let’s see here.” She muttered to herself. “Take out the trash, make the room nice for the suitor, blah blah blah.” She crumpled it up and threw it away. Pandora believed in a strict diet of surprises. She much preferred a sudden event then things perfectly plotted it.
I’ll make sure tonight’s events are particularly fun.

~~~~~~~~

The small town of Undergrowth had a population of about 600. At least, that’s what the Governor said. And as everypony knew, the Governor was always right. He himself was a not a posing figure, but since the life above, known as The Time Before (or TB), the ponies living underground did not know a life outside of Undergrowth. Thus, they adhered to precedence, often making laws based on them.

And as such, due to these “laws of precedence”, Hailstorm found himself in trouble. Again.

“Hailstorm!” The judge yelled. “Are you even listening to what I said?”

The tan unicorn lifted up his head. “What is it old man? I’m trying to sleep.”

The judge sighed and nodded to the nearby guard who cracked a crop over his back. “OW! You son of a-“

“Perhaps you will listen now, you degenerate pig!” The judge yelled. “Look at these! Look at it! LOOK!” The judge stepped down from his seat and displayed the mud on his attire. “How dare you insult a member of the court system like this! When the Governor hears-“

The rest was a complete blank to Hailstorm. He was a grown stallion in a court room of idiots who had more pressing trials than that of the one who accidentally stepped into a puddle too hard and sent some mud into a judge’s coat.

Taking one last chance to end the madness, he interrupted the judged with a sigh. “HAILSTORM I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR UNRULY DEMEANOR!”

“Then shut up already. Just give me the ticket so I can get home. I’m busy today.”

The judge snickered. “Oh? Is that so? Then how would you like to spend a day in the cell?”

“Would you like to when your wife finds out that you were the one who broke toilet this morning?”

The judge immediately stopped laughing. “Hey now. Where did you hear that?! That is-“

“A birdie told me.” Hailstorm replied. “Look, I’ve gotta go. Send the ticket to my house and give Elise my regards. She can borrow my bathroom anytime.” He winked.

Lost for words, the judge scoffed. “If she wanted a man like you, she wouldn’t be my type.” He scribbled something on his notepad. “Here. Just pay the ticket off at the bank and don’t let me catch you in here again, understand? Otherwise, it will be a night in the cage.”

“Yeah yeah. Laters.”

~~~~~~~

“What a joke.” Hailstorm muttered to himself as he walked down Primrose Avenue. For as long as he could remember, the “Laws from The Time Before” were pretty stupid. Or the ones who made them were stupid. For instance, who said it was a crime to go out in public wearing a hat on Wednesday? Or not bowing when the Governor went by? Hell, most of the population didn’t even follow those rules! He couldn’t
imagine what life was like in The Time Before.

Hailstorm arrived at his home. It was almost 7:00 A.M., the specified time for all bakers to wake up and prepare bread (You weren’t allowed to prepare bread any later than 10:00 AM). But today was going to be different.

A few nights ago, he had received a letter from the Governor asking for a very large order. He wanted a triple decker cake with fruit and frosting. The pony must have been insane. Even for the upper class of Undergrowth, fruit was hard to come by. And, as of Law 842, “no pony is allowed to sell fresh fruits or canned fruits without adhering to section IV of Law 104.” Whatever the hell that meant. Fortunately, the Governor said to just get it by any means necessary and he would take care of the pesky law.

He pulled out a large can of assorted fruits. Fortunately, he always kept some from when the black market dealers swung by for 2 loaves of bread from always 1 week ago. Their “secret code”.

Hailstorm finished putting the icing on the cake when a mare knocked on the door.

“Come in!” He yelled from behind the counter. In strode a beautiful brown mare in a maid’s outfit. She addressed him with her green eyed stare as she tapped his chin with her wing.

“Good to see you Haily.”

“Don’t call me that ‘Panny’”. He snickered. “You know how much I hate it.”
They had known each other for quite some time. For some reason, bumping into each other in school and getting into a heated argument over it had brought them quite close.

Pandora smiled. “Well, then do something about your face. You are getting scruffy.” She snickered. “If you don’t Law 566 will surely tear you a new one.”

Hailstorm laughed. “Judge already said that next time I came in, I was going to the cage.”
Pandora fake-gasped. “That is horrid! Oh anything but that! Anything!” She waved her hooves in the air. “That old coot is getting harsher by the day. Why, just a day ago-“

A knock on the door interrupted both of them. “Come in!”

A pair of guards walked in to the surprise of Pandora and Hailstorm. Behind them, the Governor himself walked in. “Hello Panny, Mr. Hailstorm.”

“Hello sir!” Hailstorm smiled. “How may I help you today?”

“Well, as you know, my daughter is having a VERY fine suitor coming today. I wanted to come by to see the cake myself and inspect it. Though,
I don’t I have anything to worry about.” He looked around the shop, glancing at the various treats and breads.

Hailstorm finished putting the fruits on top. “There you go sir. One fruit cake as you wanted.”

The Governor took a moment to look around it. “Yes, yes. Very nice. I like it.” He turned to Pandora. “Bring it back to the house okay?”

“Yes sir.”

“Very good.” He smiled. He turned to go, but stopped halfway. “This morning, I had the displeasure of having to handle a situation about
“leaving” our homes. I told them that there was no life up there, yet some still want to go, going as far as rioting about it.” He turned to Hail
and Pandora. “Know this, if there is talk of revolution or nonsense of “leaving”, there will be consequences.” He looked them dead in the eyes,
not wanting to miss conveying the importance of his message.

“Laws of precedence and tradition are absolute on important matters such as this. But, I don’t upstanding citizens such as the both of you
would never dream of something like that, right? You enjoy your life here.” The two nodded their heads. “Good! I will see you again something,
Hail. Panny, let us return to the house.”

“Yes sir.” She turned to Hail as the Governor walked out. “I’ll see you soon, Haily.”

“Count on it, Panny.” They hugged each other as Pan took off, the cake on her back and thoughts of mischief on her mind.

~~~~~~~

That evening

“But daddy! I really don’t like it.” The mare argued. “It has all these frills and fru-fru crap. How am I supposed to move about freely at the suitor
gala?”

Her father grimaced. “Young mare, remember that you are Cherry Bloodrum. As a mare of the Bloodrum family, there are expectations of the
Governor class.”

Cherry sighed. “I know. You tell me every day.”

“It is only every day because you refuse to remember it!” He threw his hooves into the air. A silence fell over the two in the large bedroom.
Charcoal Bloodrum, addressed as Governor, was not used to dealing with his daughter on a regular basis. Usually, the servants would take
care of the young mare, but Charcoal had decided that perhaps it would do his daughter some good to see her father doing something…girly.

He sat down on her bed next to her. “Look, I know you don’t want to pick a suitor. If I could have it my way, I’d prefer you stay single.” His
daughter looked up. “No one in Undergrowth deserves you.”

“Now you’re just flattering me.” She blushed.

“It’s my job.”

“Save it for the public.” Cherry stood up and did another twirl. “Well, it isn’t that bad. I guess I can give it a shot.”

Her father smiled. “Wonderful! The guests will be arriving very soon. I’ll be waiting downstairs to let the suitors come in. Have Panny and Flour
help you if you need it.”

Cherry merely nodded. “Love you honey.” She responded in kind. Waiting for the door to close, she quickly squirmed out of the dress. She was
never the kind for such girly ambitions. The high life of being in the Governor class was supposedly “handed down from Celestia herself”.

Bet she never counted on a mare like me, she snickered. She undid her hair and slid onto the large bed. Every possible thing she could need
was right here: a bed. Being the daughter of the Governor, suitors lined up day in and day out. Finally, she had decided that she was tired of
always meeting them at random times, so she picked one time for as many suitors as possible to come. Suitors came in various sizes, all too
ego-centric to be the right one. Sure, some nice guys came along, but the greater majority were obnoxious and looked like a pig had crapped
on their head. Anyone could be a suitor as long as their contribution was a very unique talent or wealth and resources.

In reality, this wasn’t about picking a husband: it was about who wanted to show off who had the biggest-

“Ms. Cherry?” A maid knocked. “I’m here to help you.”

Cherry whipped up from the bed. “Hold please!” She quickly grabbed the dress and folded it neatly with her magic. Doing her hair, she quickly
put on a robe. Rule 336 of the manifest said that no one was permitted to see another pony naked within private quarters (Precedence was a
pain).

“Come in!” She said cheerfully. Pandora quickly walked in.

“Hello Miss! I have some fresh towels and make up for you for your big day! Shall we get started?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Mares and Gentlecolts! May I present-“ Applause filled the air as Cherry Bloodrum walked down the staircase assisted by Charcoal and
followed by Pandora.

“My daughter.” The hoots and holler were completely drowning out the orchestra. The room filled with buzz and questions of gossip.

“Who will she marry?”

“I hear she has a fungal infection.”

“When can we eat?”

As Cherry walked down, Hailstorm straightened his bowtie. He had been waiting for this moment for a long time. In the past, he was not able
to attend such an event. However, after much digging in the slums, he had found a still decent suit and bowtie. A bit of soap and hair gel and
he was ready to meet the Governor’s daughter.

“Let us celebrate with a cake baked by our very own baker Mr. Hailstorm!”

Everypony turned to the blushing stallion. The Governor came down and cut the cake, handing it one by one to each guest then one for
himself and his daughter.

“To long life! May my daughter find her true lover tonight and may they spend the rest of their lives in happiness!”

The guests applauded, taking big bites of the cake. Cherry set her’s down. “Cherry, darling?” Charcoal smiled at her. “Feeling too nervous to
eat?”

“I’d love to but you know-“

Charcoal began to gag. “Father?” Cherry cried. “FATHER!”

The old stallion fell over, gasping for breath. Hailstorm ran in quickly. “Everypony please give us space!” He cried. But the crowd just grew
larger and larger. Hailstorm tried to focus on the problem at hand, but quickly realized that it would do no good.

“Someone get a-“ Another thud. Hailstorm stood up, seeing as, one by one, suitors began to fall over, their slices of cake coloring the floor.

“What the-“

The guests began to see the picture. “It’s him!” One yelled. “The damn baker has poisoned us all!”

“You monster! You’ll kill us all!”

Hailstorm backed up to the stairs. “No no! I would never-“

A hoof grabbed him from behind. “Let’s go Haily. It looks like this party just turned into a pony hunt.” Hailstorm nodded.

They ran up the stairs past the Governor’s room. The crowd was only steps behind them. “We won’t get anywhere like this!” Hailstorm yelled.
He turned to Pan. “You worked here!’

“Insightful as always, Haily.” She retorted.

“No no! I mean you know how to get out, don’t ya?”

Pandora thought for a moment. As far as she knew, there were only two ways out of the mansion: the front door or the window and, as of the
moment, neither was a good option while on the third floor.

Thinking quickly, she made a run for the maid rooms at the far corridor.

“Hey Rapunzel! The suitors are he-“

“HELLO SUITO-AGHHHHHH!” She was drowned out as the suitors caught up, basically trampling over the poor girl.

Pandora laughed. “That was a good prank. I think I’ve had a good fill for today-“

“PANNY DO SOMETHING!” They had managed to run out of corridor and the mob was at their heels. “C’mon Pandora! You’re a unicorn. Do
some magic!”

Pan laughed. “Like what?! I can’t shoot fireballs…yet.”

The crowd of suitors yelled like mad, some dropping to the floor dead. Just them, on the wall to the left, a small pony popped out.

“In here!”

Without much question or choice, they disappeared into the passage as the door slid shut. The banging of the suitor’s echoed in the walls,
crying for the death of the traitors.

~~~~~~~~

“All these years and I’ve never known about these secret passages.” Pandora exclaimed.

“Well if you picked up your head for once instead of pranking innocent mares into thinking they were getting married, you may have noticed.”
Hailstorm replied.

Cherry sighed. They had only been walking for a few minutes and she was already annoyed at the two lower class ponies who couldn’t let this
go,

“Look.” Cherry interrupted. “We need to get out of here.”

“No duh, Miss. But as you can see,” she pounded on the walls. “The walls are hard stone. Also, why have we been walking upward for so long?
Certainly this house isn’t big enough-“

“This is not meant to be a house.” Cherry replied solemnly. Hailstorm and Pandora stood there in silence…then burst out laughing.

“I’m completely serious.”

Hailstorm stopped, regained composure, then belted out another series of laughs. “Look, sweetie, the air is just getting’ to ya-“

“Don’t call me that!” Cherry yelled. “Just because I’m a girl doesn’t mean I need you to tell me what I do and don’t know.”

“Alright alright let’s all just calm down.” Pandora negotiated. “Cherry, what do you mean?”

Silence fell on all three. “This used to be a Tunnel Evacuation Station, AKA TES.” She continued trotting as she spoke.

“Long ago, before even Undergrowth was founded, the Land Above was bustling with life…” She proceeded to explain to them the history all
ponies knew; of the wars above, the magic left in the world, etc.

“But I’ve always been able to use magic.” Cherry smiled. “It is the gift to the Bloodrum family, so my father…said…” She stopped moving and
fell to the ground in tears. There, alone in the darkness with two ponies she barely knew, she let it all go.

“Damnit!” She cried. “It’s not fair! Why him! Why did you have to kill him!?” She said, facing the only possible killer.

“Please, Miss Cherry, I didn’t-“

“Then WHO HAILSTORM?! WHO?!” She yelled even louder. “Father called you by NAME! HE credited YOU for the cake!”

Pandora stepped in. “Stop Miss-“

Cherry shoved aside the maid, only to fall over. Hailstorm quietly knelt down.

“Then take my life.” Cherry looked up. “If you truly believe I did it, then-“

In less than a second, Cherry whipped her arms around his neck, doing her best to either strangle or break his neck. After several seconds of
trying, she gave up.

Silence fell upon all three of them. “Father had many enemies.” Cherry said, “It is possible one of them could have poisoned it…I just…”

Hailstorm leaned over and hugged her. “Hey now. It’s okay. We’ll figure a way out.” He wiped away her tears. “Is there a way out of here?”

“Yes…but you may not enjoy where it leads out to.”

~~~~~~~~

Before them stood a trap door in the ceiling with hoof holds.

“Uh…What is it?” Pandora asked.

“You’re about to find out.” Cherry responded. She lit her horn and touched the hatch. A hiss of steam rushed out as it swung outward, nearly
clobbering Hailstorm.

“Watch it!” He cried.

Cherry grimaced. “Hailstorm, Cherry: This is the door our ancestors took to get to the outside world.”

They just stared at her. “Well?”

Hailstorm shrugged. “What?”

“Aren’t you surprised?”

Pandora smiled. “Not at all. I mean, there’s gotta be something above us right? That’s what our history books say.”

“But how did you know they weren’t just myths?”

“Common sense, love.” Hailstorm retorted. “We are definitely below something. Those couldn’t possibly be “just myths”.

“So then you are ready to brave the outside world?”

This time, neither of them could give an answer. They had lived their whole lives in Undergrowth. Now, they were headed towards possible
nothingness.

Pandora was the first to speak. “Hey. What’s with all the frowns?” She smiled. “We can always come back-“

“No, we can’t.” They stared at Cherry. “This door only opens from the inside when a unicorn from the BLoodrum uses their magic. If we leave,
the only person who can open it leaves as well.”

They stared at the door. Suddenly, an explosion from down the hallway reverberated all along the walls. “This is it! We have to choose the
outside world or staying here!” Cherry yelled.

Pan and Hailstorm looked at each other. They had no other surviving relatives left and, with Governor gone, Cherry had no father.

“Let’s go.” Hail and Pan agreed.

Cherry summoned her magic as the sound of footsteps began to get loud. The hatch popped open in no time.

The three scrambled up the ladder, Cherry closing the door shut.

They were now alone, locked in a tube that only had one way out: up.

~~~~~End of Part 1~~~~~

Author's Note:

Wow. I am seriously tired. I haven't written this much in a while. Please let me know what I need to brush up on!

Comments

[Sypher]

There's far too much exposition in the beginning. You don't need to relate to us the history of Equestria all at the beginning. It'd be more natural and more interesting to introduce it throughout the story. Let the events of the story convey the necessary information. The description also doesn't make much sense. Why would it be that "without balance, there is no good, only evil?" Is the world naturally predisposed to being a terrible place? You can't really make a claim like this without anything to back it up.

The story could use some more developing of its setting. We don't really know anything about Undergrowth, and while its regime appears to be corrupt, there's nothing about it that seems related to the ponies' exodus underground. No sense of history, of its place in the world (is it the only town underground, or are there also other larger cities and communities in the region?). To be honest, there's little about the story that is even related to ponies. If you changed every character into a human, nothing in this story would change.

I guess it's still the very beginning of the story, but there's nothing particularly interesting about the characters. You did a decent job of making them charismatic, but they don't really have any interesting characteristics beyond that.

The poisoning and mad escape towards the surface afterwards didn't make much sense a lot of the time. Why would Cherry try to save the two if she thought they really did murder her father. The fact that she even tries to execute Hailstorm shows that she doesn't trust them and it's actually laughable that she attempts it then gives up. Also, I don't know if they really considered the ramifications of leaving towards the surface. Cherry can only open the door from the inside, meaning that they just trapped the entire population of Undergrowth below ground, seemingly permanently. It'd be a much more interesting question to ask than, "Oh gee, the citizens are starting a witch hunt for us. I wonder if we should really decide to leave this place."

Finally, the story could use an editor. There are a few misspelled and wrong words, awkward tense-shifts, dialogue without quotation marks, etc.

[AlphaOmega]

5593519 thanks for the criticism! I appreciate that more than a dislike with no comment.

This entire thing was to try and see if I could yet grasp how to do a full-fledged series. Ive tried several times in the past, but i just cant get things to connect.

this was a good experiment to see if i could start a story off well and be able to branch off. I admit, near the end, i was almost out of time to write. However, that doesnt give me a reason for such a rushed ending.

i will look into an editor. I usually am fine on errors and grammar but i can miss a lot of things. As for the pacing, thanks for the advice. I will remember that as I write my next two short stories.