A thousand and twenty years ago. Celestia and Luna had an older brother named Ozul. Ozul’s duty was to Create shadows for his subjects and to lead the dragons. But one-day Ozul becomes corrupted and then disappears only for him to return to Equestria with an empire known as the dragon empire. And throws Equestria into war. After 4 years of hell, Ozul pushes equestrian forces back to cantorlot only to be banished by his sisters causing the dragon empire to fall apart. Now today only a few knew of the dragon empire and to them, it is known as the golden empire but it fell apart after the Great War which caused the dragons to become leaderless and greedy. They fought against each other. While other dragons took what they could and left. But can Celestia and Luna bring Ozul's dark heart out of the darkness and bring it back to the light with the help of the main six. And can Ozul put the dragon empire back together that he created so long ago?
Okay, my criticism time! (I like to show people what to fix :3)
Temp. dislike until I can see where this goes.
First of all, Wall of text. Indent!
Your wording seems . . . strange.
Also this:
Needs to be: Shadow's duty was to create shadows for his subjects.
:3
(EDIT: Example didn't work, latest edit ever 10/1/2017)
The idea of Celestia having a brother would be interesting if done right, however it is not done so here. First I start with the name, I will agree that Luna and Celestia are names that would in a manner of speaking be connected to the words moon and sun. But these names are meant to symbolize them not be them out right where in this case you've name their brother Shadow. To me it sounds a little too on the nose and less imaginative than his sisters.
If you couldn't think of a better name than that's fine, I'll say right now that I wouldn't be able to off the top of my head. But I'm sure a good search through the internet would fix that. Then we have the reason for banishment, I couldn't get too far before realizing that it's going to be almost a carbon copy of how Luna became nightmare moon.
Next comes the way you wrote the story, personally I feel no depth coming from it, no sense that everything happening is real. And then there your use of "All ways" rather than "Always". There's probably more I could get into but I couldn't bring myself to read the whole thing.
Your right guys I'll rewrite the story and make a new name and make it different from Luna turning into nightmare moon. But I'm not the best writer so I'll try not to change everything and take everything slowly in the story.
I'll rewrite it when I have time.
Maybe you guys can help me make a new name for shadow.
6006099 I would like to ask for your permission to edit this story. Maybe I could help you come up with a new name for Shadow.
6006125 Sure silver spoon you have my permission to edit this story.
Hey good story make sure theres pharagraghs instead having it bunched all up in to one
and also keep it up
with ur good work
And also please dont change his name or this will happen
6007622 Well actually the idea of his name being Shadow is good but maybe it could be replaced with similar names in different languages like:
-Asra
-Betzalel
and there are many more.
more please!
Hes returned from the dead the authour aaaaaaaaaaaaa yes finnaly
well look like the story is back
Going pretty good. Only missing... umm.. a lot of equation marks like (""), (,), (.), and a couple more. Also there are some words misplaced so I suggest you check it.
Either way, I'm liking the story so far. Have a like, fav, and sub.
Please update
I adore the plot. I always wondered who ruled or created the dragons considering they are just fucking about in the main show
when next chapter cant wait for it
6337302
Equation marks?(==), (++), (--), (÷÷). These?
Alas another good story idea dead.