A Forgotten Brother Returns

by Miss Delta

BANISHMENT

"Celestia and Luna mean everything to me because I was always there for them no matter how busy I was. I always made time to be with my BSFFs which were Luna and Celestia. But I would call Celestia Tia for short." I thought. But my thoughts were interrupted by me realizing I had a duty to do which was to make shadows for my subjects. I walk to the dining room which had servants, guards, Luna, and Tia. I sat down and order breakfast. But Tia spoke up.

"Brother did you sleep well tonight," Tia said.
"Yes, it was fine." I lied. "Something was wrong it's just that every pony does not even notice their shadow that follows them." I thought. "But they always notice the sun and sometimes the moon," I thought. Every day I notice my jealousy is getting the better of me. I would now do things I wouldn't do but Luna and Celestia don't notice. But every day the armor that I used was changing it was looking corrupted. But the next day I got up and went to the bathroom and washed my face but when I looked in the mirror it shocked me to see that my eyes were glowing red now. The corruption had spread to me. And I had to do something fast so I went to the royal library to look for a book to stop the corruption that is being fueled by jealousy but to my luck I found nothing. But Tia and Luna didn't notice me anymore they were just really busy now. "So if I was going to solve this problem then I'm going to have to solve it myself," I thought. But when I learn that Luna was also jealous not of me but at Celestia. So I sacrificed my time finding a way to help me stop the corruption from corrupting me even more. So every day I would find myself helping Luna. But at the same time, my jealousy took control but over time I made Luna realize that her night is the only time are subjects can rest and regain their strength. Which slowed her corruption. But for me, it was too late to save me now because I let my jealousy control my actions. I woke up and put on my armor and cape. Tia and Luna wanted to see me so I headed to Tia's room where they were waiting for me. We talk about our subjects but eventually, we started arguing. Until they started insulting me which cause me to give in to my jealousy and I blasted a ball of magic at Luna and Tia. Everypony gasped when they saw Celestia and Luna get blown throw a wall.
"Please Ozul don't do this," Tia begged me with a tearful face.

But it was no use until I blasted Luna into the garden knocking her out cold. Then I looked at Tia she didn't look happy she looks very sad and mad at the same time she even had streams of tears going down her cheeks. Then I was shot off my feet that Tia shot me without me noticing. The battle lasted for hours and while fighting her I got threats from her.

"Ozul just waits till I get my hooves on you," said Celestia.
I then laughed evilly "Only if you could touch me, Tia," I said.
Tia then blasted me twenty feet away which she used the advantage to check on Luna.
But to my surprise, Luna had woken up and went to retrieve the elements without me knowing. "Well, Tia I thought you would've been more of a challenge," After I said that she blasted me with all her magic she could gather and I did the same. "Give up Tia I've won," I said.
"No you don't have to do this," Celestia said with a tearful face.
"Why?," I ask.
"So I can have the real Ozul back that's my brother," Celestia said.
"But I am your brother," I said.
"No I know my brother and he will never do this but all I know is that my brother is somewhere in there. So please fight it," pleaded Celestia.

"But she didn't realize that it was too late to save me," I thought. But I was wrong. But I didn't know that. I notice that there was a ball of magic was growing bigger until it exploded. Celestia got up to see me getting up. I looked at Celestia only to see Luna and Celestia with the elements of harmony.

"Give up Ozul it's over," said Celestia said
"No never," I said looking down. But I look up only to see a blast of magic heading towards me so I blast all my magic of strength left but it was too powerful and it hit me.

I woke up to see Celestia and Luna and throw a fist at them but to my surprise, it went throw I realize I was a shadow all I could do was watch and hide. So watch I did as I watch I found out that Celestia built a statue of me. But over time it made me realize how wrong I was. I could be saved as I keep watching but slowly the jealousy left leaving me in control again. But slowly over time corruption came left giving me a little control and I realize that I can still be saved but from somepony else. For years I watched Celestia and Luna and other ponies until nightmare moon. I even saw her banishment. Celestia would always come to my statue to talk about the good times and how she wished everything went back to normal. I always had an evil grin when I thought about revenge. Every day in this prison I always planned my revenge on Celestia and Luna and I know just how to do it but what I didn't know was that I was going to reform.

Author's Note:

This is my first time doing a story so it won't be perfect. But if you like it tell me what you liked about it. If you didn't like then tell me how to improve to make to where you like it. And remember like and comment.

Comments

[AzureShark]

Okay, my criticism time! (I like to show people what to fix :3)
Temp. dislike until I can see where this goes.
First of all, Wall of text. Indent!

Your wording seems . . . strange.
Also this:

Shadows duty was to Create shadows for his subjects.

Needs to be: Shadow's duty was to create shadows for his subjects.
:3

(EDIT: Example didn't work, latest edit ever 10/1/2017)

[FictionFreek]

The idea of Celestia having a brother would be interesting if done right, however it is not done so here. First I start with the name, I will agree that Luna and Celestia are names that would in a manner of speaking be connected to the words moon and sun. But these names are meant to symbolize them not be them out right where in this case you've name their brother Shadow. To me it sounds a little too on the nose and less imaginative than his sisters.

If you couldn't think of a better name than that's fine, I'll say right now that I wouldn't be able to off the top of my head. But I'm sure a good search through the internet would fix that. Then we have the reason for banishment, I couldn't get too far before realizing that it's going to be almost a carbon copy of how Luna became nightmare moon.

Next comes the way you wrote the story, personally I feel no depth coming from it, no sense that everything happening is real. And then there your use of "All ways" rather than "Always". There's probably more I could get into but I couldn't bring myself to read the whole thing.

[Miss Delta]

Your right guys I'll rewrite the story and make a new name and make it different from Luna turning into nightmare moon. But I'm not the best writer so I'll try not to change everything and take everything slowly in the story.

[Miss Delta]

I'll rewrite it when I have time.

[Miss Delta]

Maybe you guys can help me make a new name for shadow.

[SiIver Spoon]

6006099 I would like to ask for your permission to edit this story. Maybe I could help you come up with a new name for Shadow.

[Miss Delta]

6006125 Sure silver spoon you have my permission to edit this story.

[I stabs you]

Hey good story make sure theres pharagraghs instead having it bunched all up in to one

[I stabs you]

and also keep it up

[I stabs you]

with ur good work

[I stabs you]

And also please dont change his name or this will happen

[MG_Kenny197]

6007622 Well actually the idea of his name being Shadow is good but maybe it could be replaced with similar names in different languages like:
-Asra
-Betzalel
and there are many more.

[The A I]

more please!