"If I was an oven creator, I would label the knobs 'FRONT' and 'BACK.' Not a tiny diagram of how to fuck yourself." ~Austin "Chef" Dickey
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Speak of the nightmare, and she shall appear.
Celestia and Luna were supposed to enjoy each other on a night alone in the Everfree. However, things go south when they find Luna's old dark self: Nightmare Moon. But, she is different. She wants to be better and wants forgiveness. And Luna, listening to the mare lament, asks herself a question.
Is Nightmare Moon deserving of the forgiveness she asks for?
Takes place three days after the events of Luna Eclipsed.
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NightmareLuna?
Or LunaMare?
Because this sounds like a nice shipping.
5555203 It's not a shipping story, and I'm mostly a TwiMare or ChrysaMare fan, but LunaMare seems legit.
The Prince Approves of this story.
5555420
5555460
That's an understatement, more like:
5555472 Yes. More like ___________.
5555514
WHERE ARE ALL THE YAYS?!?
5555522 Dun wurry they loaded up.
5555535
to 10?
Really? Even before I reduced the number of
5555541 They're here now. That's what counts.
Okay, since you've finally mustered the courage to ask me for a review, here one comes.
Let's start with the story page, of course.
Sad slice of life, huh? What are you trying to do to me?
Cover image doesn't seem to match description quite right...
Oh Goddess! Please tell me this isn't going to be Nyx!
I had to click 'more' for the full description. That's bad. That's very bad.
Shorter descriptions are usually better, and the 'more' button is a sure sign that it's out of control.
Gee, I don't know. Let's look at the chapter title.
Well, so much for that suspense.
Okay... on to the story.
And here's hoping that her whole 'apology to the tree' thing was a clever ploy to get the princesses' guard down.
. . .
So, straight away I'm scrolling past a quarter dozen videos because my internet's too slow to play them...
And then there's more non-story crap! A second author's note.
And it's not anything I need to know before reading the story; this is stuff that should be at the end of the story if it's there at all.
Okay, now can we get on with the story?
Oh good... just in case I've forgotten who they are.
Well, you've got some things to learn about how to do paragraphs, that's for sure.
Shall we count the things wrong with this?
First of all, alicorn is not a proper noun.
Second, 'the alicorn' doesn't give us any information about who is sighing, because it could apply to either of them. You might have just as well said 'She sighed'.
But what really stands out in a bad way is the telling, not showing.
Helpful hint: never name an emotion if you can avoid it.
I'm not buying Luna's voice. That doesn't sound like her at all... not even the more modernized her.
...And if you're going to take it as a given that Nighmare still exists as an entity separate from Luna, this might need an AU tag.
Wow... six section breaks in as many paragraphs.
Take it easy there, Sport.
*reads a bit more*
Okay, these section breaks are killing me. I'm usually all for keeping a very strict POV, but in this case, being sloppy with the POV changes is the lesser evil.
Nightmare stutters too much.
If you weren't overusing all-caps and italics, you wouldn't need to put them in bold to provide emphasis.
All that effort in holding strict POV's, and you blow it by being in two ponies' heads at the same time... tisk tisk.
Reading the part of the story where they watch Nightmare talking to herself might be entertaining... If I hadn't already read the whole thing in the description. Seriously. Your description spoils at least half the story... and I'm fairly sure your chapter title spoils the rest.
This belongs in Luna's dialog... not your narration.
I'm curious -- why did you think you should use 'whilst' instead of the much more modern and common 'while'?
I would complain about this, but you get a free pass because Luna can have some archaic speech holdovers sometimes.
... good thing the story's already over.
Well, not a bad little story...
Not a good one yet either, though. The style of it shows a very amateurish flair at times... but also at other times I see you beginning to grow past that... and the grammar was mercifully decent.
I think I could have gotten more into it if it hadn't been spoiled in the description; you need to learn the very subtle art of giving away just enough in the description, but not too much.
And the formatting. Oy. Less author's notes and less section breaks, please!
I think this story had potential, but that potential mostly went to waste.
And I'm not only talking about how being spoiled made the plot uninteresting... nor only the sometimes clunky and bloated style.
I think it's really missing out on showing how Luna feels about the whole thing, particularly at the end.
All that said, you wrote a story that I don't think deserves a downvote.
That's quite an accomplishment, coming from me!
Hasn't used it since "Luna Eclipsed", and that was almost 3 years ago
My oc has a crush nightmare moon nightmare is prettier than luna
5555824
His name is day dream an earth pony
5555723
I have been touched by an angel.
P.S. I hate Nyx, and Past Sins. I was not thinking of Nyx at all while I was writing this story, not even when I made up Nightmare's disguise. So dun wurry bout that.
P.P.S. You're right; don't know what I was thinking of with the chapter title. Imma go change that.
5555546
YAY!
5555989
5555975
Heh, I could understand hating Nyx... but Pen Stroke is a pretty alright guy, and Past Sins is a very decent story. Of all the hyper-popular stories on fimfic, it's probably the one that most deserves its fame.
5556325 I do hate it, but I'm not afraid to admit it's incredibly well-written and probably does deserve its popularity, unlike SOME STORIES...
I'm looking at you, My Little Dashie.
not bad
5556668 Thank yuuuuuu.
5555995
5556845 *Sigh*
...
#FlutterMac?
5556851
Wha?
5556878 FlutterMac.
Fluttershy/Big MacIntosh
5556883
O-kay?
5556891 YASS
This story reminds me of mine... I LOVE IT!
Have you ever considered submitting this story to Equestria Daily? You can find out how to do so here.
5557564 Where can I read this story?
5557743 I'd rather not. Thanks for the help, though.
5557747 Here :)
I feel like it could be a bit more... detailed, for a lack of better words, if she was very skinny her bones were very detailed, as if she hasn't ate anything for days. But then again, she's fucking Nightmare Moon. She was able to break sturdy stone spheres just by stomping near them. Not that it was significant in the end of the episode, but...
5558475
That should totally be a song parody of I'm The Muthafuckin' T-Rex. It will be called I'm Muthafuckin' Nightmare Moon.
Nice read for a fresh night.
Maybe is the soft evening breeze, but... mhe~ I like the story.
PS: I seached the game, and looks interesting, some day I'll give it a try
5558819 It's a lot less difficult to decipher once you memorize the lyrics.
5558828
?¿
I don't remember since when I have these songs in my playlist... I already know the lyrics very well...
5558888 Oh. Okay.
I'll give you a hint: They're all in a decently close vicinity.
5558893
Ehm, ok..
Sorry, I'm a little drowsy... And the breeze don't help! ~.~
5558941 Hint: To find the Give Me A Signone, look at Nightmare's dialogue just before she starts screaming.
5556898
*Runs off*
I wrote a Luna story about both herself and Celestia dealing with the one thousand year imprisonment of Nightmare Moon, but this one actually gives us an insight on the lighter side of Nightmare Moon, opposite of the one we are already familiar with.
That's an accomplishment in my book.
5663719
I think we've said this before, but we'll say it again anyways, cause damn it, its the truth.
Your writing skills and prowess has grown by leaps and bounds since your first story bud, and we couldn't really find anything to fault you on for this fic. Well done.
(We'll get to the other story a little later)
P.S. your new profile pic caught us off guard, but we think it fits ya.
5750661 Hey, thanks guys!
The new avatar is actually a vectoring of my Pony OC, Steelfire Strings. It was done by the Fanfiction.net user MegaTJ.
Why are aren't there more like this
5773893 Because I'm a special little 13 year old gem who loves his misunderstood villains.
Oh and thanks for the fave!
5773922 *Gasp* NO WAY. WE ARE THE SAME AGE! But I wish I could write as good as you.
5868234
You could easily Make this a story
Please!!!!