Rainbow has guilt from how she almost traded Fluttershy for a book. Fluttershy has a plan to help her.
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capfal
Joined 27th Oct, 2013 ·
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Stars filled the star when the two mares reached the Cottage.
Maybe, Stars filled the sky?
There’s nothing wrong with a little resistant, Rainbow. I thought you learned that from the Wonderbolt academy.
resistance I think.
Angel bunny raised up from his empty food and gave Fluttershy a harsh look, but Fluttershy stated at him and uttered
Stated? You mean Stared?
“Exactly what you asked for. You wanted to be punished for your actions, so as your friend I’m here to help. I actually planned to try out my new hobby out on someone anyway so this fits perfectly.
I actually planned to try out my new hobby out on someone?
For several minutes the sounds on spanked flesh filled the air.
You mean the sounds of spanked flesh, I think.
Rainbow didin’t speak, just slowly nodded her head.
Didn't.
Deep into the Everfree, Zecora thought she heard the cry of mare of pain from Fluttershy’s cottage, but she shrug it off.
The cry of mare of pain? You mean a mare in pain? But she shruggedit off.
Darling. Ow. OW! You badly need an editor. Even I give my stories at least a once over before posting, and I'm utterly terrible at grammar! You owe your readers at least a little bit of care when writing dear. I'm sorry, please see me after class.
You'll get no thumbs down from me- but you'll also receive no thumbs up, dear.
5502789 thank you for pointing out my mistakes. I've corrected them. I plan to take more time with my future stories.
...Why? This is just so cruel and unethical. Rainbow Dash talks about how she wants to be punished for what she almost did, but there was no mention by either of them about the Bird Whistle Rainbow Dash got her in the end. Did that mean absolutely nothing to either of them? Because it was what Fluttershy stated that she wanted in that episode.
And Fluttershy, being the Element of Kindness, is way too fast and too cruel at taking up Rainbow Dash's offer. I see nothing but abuse being done to Rainbow Dash by a hater. Fluttershy doesn't even show any emotion for this either. She is just being sadistic for the sake of being sadistic. Why did she go through with it so well? Why does she not stop when Rainbow asks?
Why is this a Romance?! This is nothing but abuse, and Dark, without reasonable motive.
5502850 well, this is meant to be a s&m fic, so thier personalities were changed to fit the story.
But yeah, I probably shouldn't have labeled this as a romance, but if you squint, you could say it's two lovers acting out fetish play.
5502860 You don't change the characters to fit the story, you change the story to fit the characters.
Why even make them Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash at all if you're going to muck around with core characters?
No. Just... no.
Okay, love, after having read both this and your other story about Rarity and the spa, I'm going to come right out and be honest with you here. You badly need someone to teach you the proper mechanics of spelling, grammar, and punctuation... and, you need to either learn something about the subject you're writing about, or stop trying to write this kind of story.
Your biggest problems, mechanically, are:
* Randomly mixing past-tense and present-tense throughout the narrative. This is never acceptable. (Example: "she's" is a contraction for "she is" or "she has". So when you have something like "Fluttershy’s wings stiffed at the mentioned for spankings. She’s been waiting for an opportunity to invite Rainbow Dash to her more… interesting hobby, and now one showed itself. She wasn’t going to let this moment pass.", the "she's been waiting" part is read as "she has been waiting", which is present-tense.)
* Incorrect punctiation of the dialogue. When you have dialogue followed by a tag describing who said it and how, dialogue-plus-tag are treated as one sentence, not two separate ones. The rules are:
(1) If the character's spoken sentence is meant to end with a period, you have to use a comma instead;
(2) The first word of the "tag" part ("he said", "she said", "Rarity said", etc.) does not begin with a capital letter, unless it's someone's name;
(3) If the character's speech ends with ? or !, you still use those like you normally would, but rule (2) still applies to the tag.
* Use "said", "asked", or "replied" as much as possible; try to avoid using words like "questioned" and "answered". They draw attention to themselves and distract the reader.
* Overall, you just use the wrong words a lot. "Fluttershy’s wings stiffed at the mentioned for spankings" is wildly incorrect, for instance; the correct form would be "Fluttershy's wings stiffened at the mention of spankings."
However -- even if you fix the mechanical issues, the other big problem is that you clearly have no actual knowledge of what you're writing about. In both of these stories, what you've written doesn't even come close to "romance", or even S&M as it's actually practised by... well, anyone. What you've got going on in these stories is false imprisonment (unlawfully holding someone against their will), and non-consensual sexual assault and battery; Rarity would be well within her rights to sue that spa into oblivion and have that so-called "masseuse" arrested for assault, and Rainbow Dash could easily press charges against Fluttershy as well if she were inclined to do so.
And as 5502874 rightly says: Don't take established characters and then completely change their personalities just to fit the story you want -- especially if you're not prepared to spend a good deal of time explaining it. ("Alternate universe" stories where the characters are different than their canon selves can work, but you can't just change everything around to suit yourself without any explanation to the reader as to what things are different and why.)
All in all... very poorly done.
5503624
5502874
I don't like to see Fluttershy being so aggressive...
What the actual fuck
First off: your grammar is poor, although 5502789 probably gave you a clear idea of that.
Second off: setup. This setup was honestly bad for romance. I could see it being a fairly good setup for a story about Fluttershy having battered/raped Dash with impunity as she was Fluttershy; probably no-one would realistically believe that she’s raped anyone, therefore Rainbow even telling others about it would seem suspect and would-have created a good (er, interesting) conflict. Still, romantic wasn’t the word for it, just like the Fifty Shades franchise still isn’t BDSM.
Third: execution. Even if Dash was the type to feel guilty when they’e wronged others and couldn’t forgive herself unless she had some form of penitence, people like that don’t usually just ask the person they’ve wronged to spank them a few times (without asking to be, at-least, scolded too) and then say to themself « absolved » if it was worth feeling guilty over in the first place. I know from being one of these people that the physical pain of a spanking wouldn’t be the punishment. If Rainbow was one of such people and she asked Fluttershy to spank her (which would be unlikely to be what she would ask for, it would be more-likely to have her help with the animals), I’d guess she’d want to make it clear that the focus should be on the verbal aspect. It’s also worth noting that all of Fluttershy and Angle’s actions after Rainbow getting on the couch were battery, as she clearly withdrew consent before the first blow and that she only consented to being spanked - not being hit anywhere or being bound - in the first-place.
In short, an unfortunate wreck of a story, although not an unsalvageable one.
what in tartarus's name is this poor excuse for a story?
i practice S&M. i know S&M. this is not S&M, this is abuse.
there is a saying in BDSM practitioners. "discipline with love is what you show a child. Love with discipline is what your trusted partner shows you. Without love there is no discipline, without love there is only abuse."
this is abuse for the sake of abuse. there is no love here.
This story actually was not so good as if because the Fluttershy you have now=Maybe Pinkie in Cupcakes. But your story actually inspired me to make the flutterdash adventure and I made the first chapter based on this story. Thks for the inspiration though. You are the start of my writing career
See here:http://www.fimfiction.net/story/275696/1/the-flutterdash-adventure/chapter-1
This needs a sequel where Fluttershy realizes she went too far and lets RD punish her just as hard.