A young, 13 year old brony whom is depressed and almost suicidal is sent to Equestria. This is check number 1 of fantasy. He is also turned into a dragon god by his own making, Darshinon. He meets problems and advantages alike, and a certain strong mare falls for him.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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....you need an editor, cause i'll help you integrate the chapters into one another, thats the rule longer chapters make happier readers. But the idea is a pretty good one.
i really like the idea of this story and its really interesting just one complaint though the chapters need to be longer but other than that its really good
Why are bronies always depressed losers? It seems fan-fictions writers like to generalize themselves and the fandom like that most of the time when it comes to HiE.
This story has potential, however, it could use some work, so please accept some Constructive Criticism:
It just needs a shove in the right direction and it could be 
1. Usually chapters can be about 1000 + words, so I would try to make these many mini(hah) chapters into one larger chapter
2. Try fleshing out your story a bit. While reading the story it felt a bit rushed, and it could use a little more explanation here and there.
While reading it kind of felt like "this is happening" then suddenly "look over here now this is happening."
Again, your story is original and has some great potential!
I would gladly help pre-reading the story for you, if you are interested.
lol it needs work :) I'm in the process of producing a similar story, gl
542022 indubitably
You need an editor, FAST
Hmm... I would say that this is a bit TOO direct
542098 I agree with that notion, but I guess it would show that the human actually WANTS to live in Equestria and nothing's stopping him/her from doing it.
542098 you now I did the same thing with my story but I didn't now how to start it so... Why the heck not so yeah I thought that's how all fimfiction starts a brony being all like sad meme guy.soooooo ...
problem?
542278
2.bp.blogspot.com/_URQk0RHUOnI/TJZTaeF4UAI/AAAAAAAAAT8/siNUlsPwyqw/s1600/BradleyCooperRapeFace.jpg
Not at all.
Please continue while I compile your OC's tears.
542285. I don't know you but you are one cool bro so I give you one
542114 I really apreciate the constructive critisi-si-ccriti- thanks for the support! I will make my chapters longer and stay on topic!
You know, I feel your pain about the depression. Well not really, but my mother died from breast cancer when I was about three, so I have been pretty much emotionally scarred. Which means pretty much all my emotions are now quite a bit more. So, keep going! I really do think this is pretty good!
bro its not a bad story the plot is good but the chapters are short its good but my only complaint is short chapters
P.S
hope you get over your depression soon stay safe
depression sucks, man... btw it's criticism THANK YOU, GOOGLE CHROME
anyways, I hope you get better, and cancer is tough, so I'll rethink what I'm reading, and for the first time, it's good
Wow... Ouch... Quillo's mind is actually hurting me... This is a horrible first chapter to Quillo, I like it though.
This is what he find's wrong with it.
The character of Max is plain and shallow.
IT'S A WALL OF TEXT
It's short.
It's not gripping.
Quillo is waiting for a good Human in Equestria as a Dragon story and so far there is only two, another one and this... thing...
Over-analysis mode:
Draw out the prologue further, Quillo's mind can help with that, it's so annoying, he won't leave me alone unless I do something about it.
Anyway, it's confusing to say the least, first he is at his drum kit playing music, then there is a knife at his throat? While this is OK in MY mind, I am inhabiting Quillo's at this moment, and this is wrong.
PROLOGUE:
Quillo is a master at prologues, and since I inhabit his mind, I have his powers, and it's quite forceful actually, anyway, let's see what I can do...
YOURS:
My name is Max. I live a horrible life. Everyday, i get bullied, teased, or just have bad grades. I am a cancer survivor and im proud. I have 2 things to always want, one, to be in equestria, and 2, to be a dragon. I came home as usual and sat on my drum set and my ears filled with music and the sweet beat of the drums. "Let it all flow through the sticks and into the drums." i always say to cheer me up. But it dosent help me in my school life, I just want to go to equestria and start over. Well i was just about to give up when this happened. "Alright, wheres that damned knife?" I searched around for a while and found a black steel survival knife, razor sharp and ready for anything. "Alright, mom, dad, im gonna meet you soon!"
"Now why would you do that?" i just heard a voice in my head. Weird but im just gonna play along.
"What? Who is that?"
"Tell me why you have the knife to your neck first."
"Suicide. Thats it."
"Why is that?"
"My life sucks now tell me your name."
"I am Princess Celestia and i heard your call."
"Wh-what?" I was dizzy and passed out.
QUILLO'S:
My name is Max, and my life has been nothing but terrible ever since I started Year 6. Every day it's the same thing, wake up, go to school, get bullied by ninth graders, go to class, get teased by the girl I like, get in trouble by the teachers for trying to stand up for myself, go home, rince and repeat. Constantly I ask myself, Why? Why am I still living? Why do I go to school? Why do I get bullied? Why, why Why? Is it because I like ponies? Is it because I love dragons? Is it because I survived a battle with Cancer when my parents couldn't? I don't know! I just don't know! It's so unfair! Life is so unfair! No matter how hard I try I can't seem to get anything right! I hate this body, it's so weak, so stupid, so small. I wish I could be a dragon, fierce, monolithic, fire-breathing, feared, able to fly... I wish I could be a dragon, I'd be a loyal one, I'd protect people, I could destroy my enemies, I could do so much more than this body. I hate this body, I hate this world, I hate this life! I wish I could be a dragon.
I would have ended my life by now if it wasn't for ponies... My Little Pony, a colorful, playful, magical world filled with likewise creatures, they're so bright and happy, like a beacon of love, kindness, tolerance, happiness and joy in my dismal life. Yes, I am a brony, I love my little ponies, it seems silly, but if there is nothing else in your life that takes you off the floor then is there really anything else? Well, except for music, I love music as much as ponies, one of the only things I have left of my parents is my drum kit, I'd spend hours banging away on my kit, fueling my music with my anger and rage.
I'm at my drum kit now, I had just finished my song, now I am lethargic. I sighed, my mind is going over everything in my life that is just terrible, the bullies, school, not being in Equestria. I was close to the breaking point, sometime during my song I started crying, evident by the wet lines under my eyes. Weak. I wiped them away, more tears filled the lines. Pathetic. I'm still crying, bloody hell, I finally broke down completely, my drums made a crashing sound as I fell on them. I dropped the sticks and they made a clanging sound as they hit the floor of my room. It's not carpet, it's wooden, wood crashing on wood. My cries filled my room, echoing off the walls and the floor. Stupid. A flash caught my eye, I stopped crying as I looked to the source. It was in my bag, a Matte black survival knife, another thing to remember my parents by. I reached over and picked it up. Small. I held it in my hands and read the inscription on the blade,
There is always an answer,
~ Love, Dad.
There is, and it's in my hand right now. I steeled what I could of myself, I stopped crying, I lifted the knife slowly to reach it's destination, my left jugular, I felt it's cold steel on my neck, so welcoming. I stared Death in his face and awaited his grasp. This is it. I shut my eyes tight as I put the handle end of the blade at my throat. I was ready. I was going to do this, I am going to die, to end this all, to meet my parents, finally, after so long.
What are you doing? An angelic voice said at the back of my mind, I didn't have anything left to live for, I played along.
I'm ending my life.
Why? This made me pause. Why? Why am I ending my life? Because... Because...
Because I have nothing left to live for...
...because I have been separated from my parents for long enough...
...because I hate my life.
Are you sure?
Yes I'm sure...
Would you like to start again?
This surprised me, I moved the knife away from my neck and turned away from Death, What?
Would you like to start life again?
What do you mean?
In a different world. I paused in my thinking, the voice continued, You don't have any further connections to this world, I can bring you to mine.
What is your world?
Would you like a second chance at life? It insisted.
Who are you?
Your savior. It simply spoke back, never raising it's thoughts, Would you like to start again, in a different world? It insisted I answer.
I paused for a second, Yes... Yes I do...
I thought of a smile, a nice, angelic smile, Then... Sleep, go to sleep.
My vision started to fog, my hand dropped the knife and it stabbed through the drums. I fell forward off the chair I was sitting on. Then everything faded to white. Just like that... I was gone.
Well yes, this is what Quillo could do, even though I like your version better, this is Quillo's. Use it if you must.
I have to get rid of him soon.
542098 Correction, Bad fanfic writers are depressed losers, not all bronies.
542098
I swear this is really bothering me, I dropped out of fandoms because of people like him, it's stupid really, how many stories have this exact plot? I've lost count.
I may sound like a douche-canoe, but really?! Why do people think this is a good plot device?
542500 You are now officially in charge of writing this story. That was AWESOME it was about 222% cooler and better written. I'll read the story if it is at least edited by you.
Why do they always believe that suicide is the best way to go to Equestria ?
By that logic, why not slaughter the dragon to send it back to where it came from, its pathetic, wretched, miserable existence ? If he couldn't even get through life as a human being, why believe the outcome should be any different on a new body if he maintains the same psyche ?
Being turned into a dragon. Dream come true.
Turned into a dragon GOD: HOLY SHIT YES
542507 No 99/100 of the HiE Mary Sue self inserts are depressed emo children in order to give the character "more depth" or to make them seem less of a Mary Sue or in this person's case a Gary Stu.
545017 maybe he can start a new life?
544741 Well...
Oh no! Don't kill yourself! Don't ever attempt such a foolish act. Don't use a permanent solution to fix a temporary problem.
542255 544741 and I'm here...
Quillo doesn't usually write further into other's stories, because he can't focus on one thing for very long, it's quite amazing, like me.
However, since this is giving Quillo (and now me) a migraine, it must be dealt with.
CHAPTER THE FIRST!:
Before feed back:
It's a tad boring considering any problem that your character had is negated instantly by JACKLEAPP but no seriously, get one of the other pones to have first contact, Like: Flootershai, Rare ET, Raidbon wah, Twailait or Piky pine.
I propose Fluttershy, she finds him in the EverFree then she runs to tell her friends and baddabing baddaboom he is in Ponyville.
Okay, lets go.
YOURS:
I woke up in a field with an apple orchard. "Am I in Uncle Hedrick's orchard again?" No, if i were, i would be smelling horse crap, but it smelled sweet. I got up with, of course, sleeping legs. But i felt something on my back. I turned around to see, wings! and on my back, scales! I looked at my hands and saw scaly claws. When i huffed out, a small golden flame erupted from my mouth. "Im a dragon!" I screamed out, and of course, heard hoovesteps. Wait, rewind, i heard hoovesteps?? Am I where I think I am? I heard a female southern voice yelling "Ya'll better show yurself or yur in a world o pain!" Of course if it was a cowgirl, they wouldnt lie, so i puffed out my chest and walked from behind the tree, and to my suprise, it was Applejack. "Who in tarnation are ya?!"
"I should be asking the same to you!"
"Ugh, fine. My name is.." I cut myself off since i could make a new name...
"My name is Darishon. What is yours?"
"Mah names Applejack!"
"seems pretty direct.." i mumbled.
"What did ya say?"
"Nothing! So, do you know where any motels are?"
"Whats?"
Im such an idiot, this is equestria...
"Is there any building where i can stay for a few nights?"
"I'm fraid not, but you can sleep in the guest room if ya like!"
"R-really?" I was honestly suprised at the comment.
"Yeah! Come on!"
"Right! Ill be right there!" I cannot beleive this, i am in a double fantasy! But again, i felt limp, and blacked out.
QUILLO'S:
Pain. So much pain. My body ached all over, my limbs were heavy to the point to where I couldn't move them. I have never been so tired after a sleep in my life. I slowly returned to the living world as memories of the past day filled my mind. I remember... What do I remember... Home... Music... Knife... I flinched at that last thought, Well my face works now, what else do I remember? A second chance... the voice... the smile... That's right! I willed my eyes to open, they did so slowly and lethargically. The sun pierced into my vision and partly blinded me, I shut them again. Well, I can't look straight up, it must be midday, the sun is directly above me... Wait... above me should be a ceiling... Hang on a sec. I just reacquainted myself with my other senses, what I received in my mind boggled me. I smelled grass, trees, animals and water. What I heard was roughly the same. So I was outside. How did I get outside? I couldn't feel the grass though, but I could feel the ground I was on, I wouldn't say I was numb but rather hardened... wait... I have three more touch signals... two more on my back and an extension to my spine, the two on my back hurt as I was putting my weight on them. As I noticed the things on my back they started to uproar in intense pain. I let out a growl of pain and tried to roll to my side. I seemed to have regained motor controls. I moved my hand over the eye exposed to the sun, and noticed what it was. That's not my hand... It was a claw, golden in color, it seemed sharper than a diamond. I flexed my hand and the claw responded. I turned my hand over and the claw responded again. That... Is mine... I arced my head down using my neck so I could see my body...
My body was elongated and covered in scales, I looked strong, further down my body was a long stretch of skin, a tail? I have a tail now? I looked to the two things on my back, two giant glorious wings graced my presence. Blow me down further... I'm a freaking dragon. A DRAGON! I'M A-
"DRAGON!" A familiar voice screamed from above me, well, from my perspective above me. I looked towards the voice and saw a small yellow and pink thing, then I didn't. It seemed to have ran away. I knew that voice. Let's see, yellow and pink, fast when scared, obviously scared of dra- Fluttershy! That was Fluttershy! I attempted to get on my giant feet flat on the ground. I noticed how big I was so standing on my two back legs like spike would be impossibility. I managed to stabilize my footing as I gave chase to the small-frightened pony. The forest eventually thinned out and I could see an abundance of tine furry critters. I saw her cottage. Then I paused... I'm a dragon, chasing a pony, that... Can be taken the wrong way. I slowed to a walk as I approached the small home. It was seemed to be devoid of all life as I could see, but I could still smell them and Fluttershy. I know she is a timid pony, easily frightened, but horrifying if her friends are threatened, including her animals. I could just torch the house, but that's stupid, it's Fluttershy! How could I even think of that! Instead I chose the passive path. I calmly walked to the front of her house then laid down. Waiting for her to calm down and realize that I'm not a threat. I'm not a threat, I'm a good dragon. I was tired anyway, I need my sleep.
"Do you think he's dangerous?"
"I don't know Twilight, well, he hasn't destroyed anything yet."
"I don't think that counts Spike."
"He also feels different, not like he is another dragon, it just feels like he is different."
"Different how?"
"Like... Powerful... I'm intimidated by him, but I feel... Safer? Around him?" That's strange...
"I don't feel that at all."
"Maybe it's because we have something in common?"
"And what's that?"
I heard a cough, "Dragon..."
"Oh... Look he is waking!"
I shuffled around in the spot I was in, intent on waking myself up, I thought over the conversation Spike and Twilight had then, So I am a powerful dragon... to the point where Spike can feel intimidated and safe at the same time? ... I'm okay with this... I stood up, stretched my back and yawned. It was late day and the sun was setting, that's nice, the sun set looked loads better in this world. I felt a presence behind me. The image of Twilight and spike reverberated separately in my mind followed by brief descriptions of them, Twilight was followed by; Magic, Harmony, Librarian, Studious, then followed by a definite Friend, Spike's image was followed by; Hatchling, Hard working assistant, Fun, Humorous, then was also followed by the Friend. Do I know everything about everyone?
"Um... Dragon! You- Should tell us why you are here!" The unmistakeable voice of Twilight called from behind me. Should I come outright? Or should I play a role? I suppose role-playing is fun. Alright, I'll adopt the role of omniscient dragon. I decided to call Twilight as her title instead of her name, it seemed cooler that way.
"Can... you speak?" Twilight said again.
I cleared my throat and spoke without turning around, "Such effortless tasks are not beyond my capabilities, Magic." I spoke with a commanding voice, it wasn't my voice, but then again, why would I want my voice?
She seemed startled by my voice, "What?"
"Speaking is not above me, Magic, as to why I am here shall remain unheard of by your ears, as of yet." I don't know what I am saying, but it sounds freaking cool.
"Magic? That's not my name."
"That is known to me, however, are you not the Element of Magic?" My lip turned into a sly grin.
Twilight didn't reply.
"Woah, he is cool." I heard Spike say with my dragon ears.
"Be that as it may Hatchling, however, that is not the reason I am here." Spike did not seem impressed at what I called him.
"Why are you here?" Twilight finally asked without the tone of fear.
I turned around to face the two, "Now that you have come to trust me slightly, all I ask for is temporary lodging somewhere around here." I paused, that didn't seem convincing.
"Why?" The unicorn asked me.
Think think think think, BINGO "My cave in the EverFree had collapsed and I am without a home until I can find another, and even I am an easy target while asleep and cannot be caught in the open unawares." Good enough.
"That's a good point, but why this town?"
Okay, hopeful imagination time. "Well, my cave resided on the other side of the EverFree Forest and the trek on the way for a new home drained me to the point where I couldn't move any longer, I happened to have been awakened by Kindness, as she found me by the border. She indirectly lead me here, and now I'd like to search for suitable lodging, if it's not to much to ask, due to the fact that I am a Dragon and this is a town of ponies I would stick out quite terribly."
"Maybe Applejack can fit you in her barn." Spike suggested, and as soon as the farmpony's name was said I saw a picture of her, followed by the words; Honesty, Hard-working, Farmer, Stubborn, Reliable, Dependable, then was followed by Friend. I seem to have some sort of FaceBook in my mind.
"Perhaps so Hatchling."
"Would you stop calling me that?" He retorted at my remark.
"No, I believe in titles, and as you are no more than 10 years out of your egg, you are still considered a Hatchling."
"Does that explain the Magic and Kindness you called Fluttershy and I?" The small purple unicorn asked.
"Indeed Magic." Quite.
"So what do we call you?" The hatchling asked.
Not Max, that is so not a Dragon's name, what about... I got it, "You," I pointed towards Spike and hissed slightly, "Can call me Dragon," then I loosened up and looked towards Twilight, "However, Magic, you can call me Darishon"
So that's chapter uno. Do tell me what you think and I'll completely disregard it!
561869 much better
Ugh. I keep reading hpopung it will get better but it isnt.
update??
Wtf is this shit
There is so much potential in this story, but you are forcing it out, being too direct, and too fast. Slow down, give us some more detail!
561869
Oh shit.
1206160 Feces?
Could you make it any shorter?
cant believe this was so long ago, i hope you're ok dude.