Heeeey there, I'm a bi, GenderFluid person who is here to try and write stories. My OC you see is Poetic Moon an older filly who enjoys writing. I hope i don't bore you with my stories when started!<3
Shymane came from a small Apartment in Manehatten, used to the boring, lonely life he had there. Moving to a Mansion in Everfree, not far from the town itself, will be a big change. How will shy handle the weird things that happen here in this County Town? (Hey guys, this is my first story and is a test story. Please tell me if you want me to continue and how you thought it was!
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Right, as promised here's a little review. Just please don't take what I write too hard - you show potential.
But you need allot of work.
First off, chapter size. Honestly, most people wont look at a story if it doesn't have a minimum of a 1000 word chapters. This isn't to say you should shove all your chapters together to make one bigger one, but you need to extend off each idea. Such as the beginning move into the mansion. Put in detailing, describe the mansion, perhaps the difficulty setting it up. The trip into town, meeting the mane 6 all of this could of been expanded upon allot more. Perhaps shymane's thoughts on the dramatically different environment he's in compared to where he used to live. There's allot to build on there.
Second off, your formatting and description.
I'm going to use your first paragraph as my guide for this, because to be honest - it needs allot of work.
First off, mentioning someone then immediately ignoring them and having no development onto it, not even foreboding - so this 'friend' for example. There was no real point to even mentioning it that I can see. The description of the mansion and its surroundings feel bland. When you paint the story for the viewer, you need to use allot more detailing to project the world you're trying to create. I'll use the recliner for example here. You've put
There is literally no description here. It seems like it should be important to the character, but it's presented as a plain and boring every day recliner. If that. All the reader can produce from that is a rough image of a chair. Instead, if you add detail you can get something like this -
Shy tiredly collapsed into the worn cushions of his parents old recliner, relaxing into its familiar comfort. The old brown chair was a gift from his parents, something he treasured since their passing.
Its a bit rough, but in your scene all the reader gets is that there's a chair. In mine, there's an old brown chair that's seen quite a bit of use. That extra bit of detailing can give the reader something to dig into and they can use it to make their view of your world with it.
Third - the story's plot.
The thing is, most ideas on fim have been done a 1000 times if not more. This isn't to say you shouldn't do one of these stories, but it means you need to put a spin on it. So far, your story seems to amount to a shy pony moves into a home in the everfree and seems to avoid ponies because he prefers to stay to himself. And slowly via the introduction of the ponies of ponyville he will probably work through this shyness, maybe get a relationship and create a life with the citizens of ponyville. It needs conflict, something to keep readers interested that makes your story stand out from the 1000 others that will have almost the exact same plot. You would not believe the amount of 'shy human lives in equestria, avoids ponies makes his own life but the mane 6 drag him out his shell' stories ive read. Although this doesn't have a human as the main character, you can see where people will draw the similarities from.
So those are the main 3 things i think you need to work on.
chapter length and more information in general on what's going on
Detailing and the way you mention characters or even if its worth mentioning them - such as this 'friend' who i've yet to see a point to.
And the storyline itself. It needs something for the reader to sink into beyond the generic plot lines that are already so prevalent. Otherwise, no one will want to read it.
I hope this helps knowing what you need to work towards. While you need some work, you show some good potential and I'm looking forward to watching you get better through practise :)