Twilight is a young crystal pony who has a serious problem. Unlike the other ponies whose coats are brilliant and translucent, Twilight is bland and dull.
The upcoming Crystal Heart ceremony is her last chance to shine. She'd better not fail, because if she does...
Well, let's just say that there's a reason why ponies like her disappear.
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Yas.
Looks interesting, I'll read it later. The word count is too intimidating this late.
/
I can't decide whether Cadence was making a good choice or not, given the information she had. On one hand, if she was wrong, she'd have sentenced what I'm guessing is somewhere around one hundred rock ponies* to death. On the other hand, she'd have saved what's probably hundreds of thousands from slavery and death if she were correct. And with stakes like that, do you really want to take the risk for a few lives? The correlation does appear to be fairly strong. Although I think it would have been better if she killed them off as babies, when they're still little more than animals. Although operating under the assumption they have no emotions, then is it even evil to kill them?
I think this might have been better from Cadence's point of view, or even Shining's, so the reader wouldn't know who's actually right until the very end.
*At average of 1/per generation, 1 generation=20 years, 50/millenia, Cadence ruled for 1 millenia since it appears she rebelled shortly after the Princesses failed which was 1000 years ago. Of course there are many assumptions in that, but she doesn't act like she's constantly sacrificing them, and if she were she'd have a rebellion of angry parents.
5518114
A good goal doesn't make a good choice. Yes she was trying to prevent enslavement of a nation and has the excuse of being mind-f*****, but her plan to prevent it is cruel, unfounded, biased, overboard, filled with duplicity and lastly, is based on taking freedom (from all her subjects) against their will.
Even if she was right her methodology would be akin to how the murderer of Batman's parents ended up creating a hero who saved hundreds. Doesn't give any justification to him committing murder.
Also, loved the story. Definitely worth the read. When it's not as far past my bedtime I'll go through a few minor grammar issues I saw.
5518114 Regardless of the path, she sacrificed kids to horrible deaths out of fear. No matter how logical the decision was. Not to mention how many parents who decided to shield their child. Or the family members that might have as well.
Sombra was a monster by all accounts, more than likely. But he was honest at least with his reasons. He did what he did out of what he saw as threats to his rule. Cadence, has done this purely out of fear of a second sombra. When by all rights, she could have turned every pony she killed to someone that cared and supported her. She was infinitely worse than he will or would have ever been.
Cadence here, is a truer monster than sombra ever was. She's hidden away the ability to feel, and only now will she get to suffer as she deserves to for all of her immortal life. I'm not one to say it lightly, but im glad cadence gets to suffer here. It is a rare fic that places cadence in this light. But refreshing all the same.
A child is innocent. A blank slate. It always will be until they learn evil, or good as the case may be by their surroundings, the people whom are their wards or lack there-of, or even society as a whole. It takes a town to raise a child may be the adage, but its true because they all teach the child through their senses.
Well, this ended abruptly. It leaves the reader hanging. Apart from that, it was brilliant.
I was going to say "Shouldn't this have a tragedy tag?", but it turns out that it doesn't. Have you ever considered submitting this story to Equestria Daily? You can find out how to do so here.
Wow, this made quite an impact. Well written indeed. I only wish Armor could have been saved.
As another person commented, there WERE a few minor grammar errors; would you like to have them pointed out so you can correct them?
5537521
If it's not too much trouble I would appreciate it.
5537615
She'll glare at me until I do it... Anyways, I've started but not finished. Also did a little nitpicking while rereading before I reached the actual real errors xD It took too long for that so I was getting nervous and second guessing myself. There are indeed a couple errors, and I WILL point them out...soon... Sorry for the delay!!
I am really really going to point those out, honestly! With Applejack as my witness!
5565176
Thank you for putting in the effort to do this. You don't have to rush yourself, but I am looking forward to hearing what you have to say.
why didn't one of them point out that the Crystal Princess is the one that Sombra was talking about?
5588942
Well, they were in a rush and weren't able to put a lot of deep thought into things. Given her paranoia, she wouldn't have been satisfied with that argument anyway unless they could have proven it to her, which was impossible.
5589069 now that she has her cutie mark and that she sparkle dose that mean she can point it out?
5590681
I hadn't really planned on adding an epilogue, but Cadance is capable of reaching that conclusion on her own. Twilight's going to have other things on her mind... like her brother.
5592521 i thought of that after i sent it
i also thought of something not very nice to Cadance after she gets her love back
Holy snaps.
That was surprisingly dark. A Cadence cursed by Sombra so effectively, she just went out and started a genocidal spree of death.
Poor Shining.
But... but this story is marked as complete...
WHY
Hmm. Interesting.
You were recommended by a certain KitCat36 (in case you wanted to thank the person) for Seattle's Angels. It's a habit of mine to make notes for stories with definite quality, which you might find useful.
Perspective slip: that is, you're taking Twilight's perspective, a limited 3rd person view. These are instances where Twilight sees/knows things that she shouldn't have been able to - it's a bit jarring, and a kind of shortcut to play out information. It's not a game-breaker, but it does distract, and when an editor usually says "tighten it up a bit" this is the kind of thing they refer to.
Having a new paragraph for dialogue would boost its impact, I feel.
Often, I have to advise against exclamation marks. This is a rare time where adding one could actually add to the impact.
Somewhat poorly veiled author-speak here - it's too... discussion-y. Too lucid for a spur-of-the-moment thought, which is pretty much the only kind that one has when one discovers that they're about to get offed by a legendary figure.
On an overall note, you've got some very interesting ideas. I like the flow, and you've made a daring decision in having the battle be one of ideologies and words. It's not very often that someone pulls off a debate so lengthy, so you win points there. It could be me, but you had me hooked for longer than I would have expected of it - you managed to keep the clash between Armor, Twilight and Cadence's separate logics fresh and vibrant, and I found myself wondering what next could they draw on from the world they both knew. Inadvertently, this strengthens the feel of the world - that it's something that I could buy into and see very well, which lent the proceedings some important weight.
That much being said, I'm afraid I had to start skimming around the part where Armor prepositioned(?) Cadence. You made a valiant effort, but there's only so much plain, undressed dialogue that one can read until it wears down the interest. Your paragraphs/sentence lengths suffer from being more of less the same, which weakens the engagement. While the pacing of the story is actually fast, it doesn't vary, and that ends up running itself into the ground. I can't help but feel that the length of it calls for an "ad break" that transitions into a second chapter. For once, the physical action of having to load the next page might help instead of hinder reader retention, because it gives them a break from reading plain.
Twilight's interjected POVs are not terrible, but not the best. They're a mild curiousity at best and a mild aside at worst - without them, the prose would have been drier than it is, but surely there must be some better form of interjection that you can use to break up and spice the flow. Flashbacks? Physical condition descriptions?
The ending also seems kinda ehh. As in, the real conflict was that of ideas and outlooks, the development was an examination of what makes happiness and despair, but the resolution of it is "because magic". A bit of a thematic let-down.
Still, all in all, you can definitely be proud in having written a unique story, and for attempting (and largely doing well with) an ambitious task. I hope you can find something of value from this to take away, and keep writing.
Convoluted
Hero response: it already is, and Sombra has won, at least, through you.