Okay, first off, the description doesn't draw me in. It is long and tedious. Believe me, I had this problem with my stories too. The writing is slightly confusing and could use some brushing up. But overall, the idea isn't bad, you just need experience. Writing stories is challenging and I applaud you for your effort and dedication. The tags also are confusing, if the fic is mainly about ponies, don't use human or Anthro and so on. Also, The characterization is off a bit on some of the characters. If you are looking for an editor/proofreader/pre-reader, I could maybe help or point you to the right guy.

Another F.C story.

I'm a sucker for these.

I need more.

+1

6352670 It's comments like this that make me want to keep writing. Thanks.