Wand, rocks and balloons

by Fou

The Kiss Book - 01 - Clapping Door

This one needs the help of an assistant

Every breakfast I cook has to be the breakfast of your life. And that’s the same for everything I make for my friends. This morning, I had prepared a lot of waffles with strawberries, blueberries and maple syrup. And when I say a lot, I’m not joking — you can’t imagine how much Trixie was able to eat. Every time, she yelled “You made too much food!” and devoured everything to the last crumb. And, about Maud, have you ever seen she can’t help slightly licking her lips when she’s enjoying her meal? I don’t usually brag, but I sure have!

When breakfast was over (it was generally when Trixie burped like Applebloom would have, hid herself from embarrassment and said it was time to go working), I said I was in hurry because the shop I had to go closed its doors at 10 am. I feared that Trixie would tell me no shop has ever done that, but she was still occupied restraining another burp and didn’t say anything.

I was already in the entrance when I heard Maud talking to her. “This is going to be a long day. Please clean the table, I’ll go to the shed to bring you some tools.”

“Cleaning the table?” groaned Trixie as I was discreetly closing the door. “This is supposed to be your sister’s job!”

“She left.”

“Trixie won’t work more for anything in exchange! What will be her reward?”

My ear was pressed against the door, but I couldn’t hear anything more. I guessed my sister was doing her Maud teasing: getting closer really really slowly to Trixie until they seem to breathe the same air, and then…

“I changed my mind. We’ll see if I’ll change it again when I return.”

“That… That’s blackmail!!” yelled Trixie.

“No. When you’re blackmailing somepony, you usually send him a little part of the hostage to make him think twice about it.”

I heard a really short and soft kiss.

“There. Now, that’s blackmail.”

I quickly moved away from the door as Maud was stepping outside, Trixie calling her all the names under the sun. Maud closed the door, we looked at each other and, in perfect sisters’ unison, we waited a few seconds and eavesdropped from behind the door. Trixie was still cursing while she looked for the cleaning products in the chests of drawers. “You’re so stupid, Maud! What do you think I am? A slave? A toy?” She sighed. “Aw, Maudie… I wish you could hug me hard and —“

I would really like to relate to you what she said next, but Maud drew me back a little to make clear that what Trixie was saying right now was more her business than mine. She finally let me go.

“… because you’re an idiot.”

We could now hear the sound of a rag rubbed on the table. Maud waited a bit more, then looked at me. It was my turn. She moved away as I opened the door, the sound of the rag stopped immediately. I came in the dining room and saw a hidden disappointment on Trixie’s face.

“What are you doing here?”

“Silly me! I forgot my purse!” I looked at the rag she was holding with her magic. “Are you planning to clean the table?”

She gave a faint scowl. “Trixie already did it!”

“Really? I don’t think Maud would think you did it. See you later.”

I took my purse from a drawer and left Trixie alone. Outside, Maud gave me a quick nod meaning well played and we eavesdropped again. Of course, Trixie was now insulting me, rubbing harder the table.

“There!” she said. “That’s better than a well-done job, that’s a Trixie job!” She waited. “Come on, Maudie… Trixie wants her kiss… Come on… Trixie gives you three seconds… One, two…”

Maud looked at me again and I pushed the door.

“Hello again, Trixie!”

Oh Celestia, the look she gave me!

“I should take a coat, it might rain.”

I turned back to the coat rack, and Trixie threw it right in my face with her magic.

“I think you should hurry now!” she yelled at me.

I hesitated before saying the following, but Maud had asked me to do so. “And I think you should clean the table… Before our next meal…”

“What?! This table is cleaner than Celestia’s flank after a meeting with her court!”

“I don’t think Maud would agree…”

I ran off before Trixie could react. Maud nodded to me again, but I whispered “I’m not doing it a third time.”

“You are,” she said.

“She’s going to kill me!”

“Business risk.”

“Maud!”

“Alright, I get it. Count to thirty and go.”

Maud went away in the farm, leaving me alone. I didn’t have anymore to press my ear again the door to hear the rubbing, and Trixie groaning it would be the cleanest table the world had ever seen. I forgot to count. When I realized it, I quickly opened the door and went in. Maybe too early.

I didn’t know Trixie eyes could be that big. I stepped back and stammered “I forgot what I… had to forgot…”

In fact, I could see twice Trixie’s murderous look, as she had a perfect reflection of herself in the table. She started getting closer to me, and I honestly don’t know what would have happened next if she didn’t hear a voice saying “That’s good cleaning.”

Trixie slowly turned back to Maud, her eyes filled with anger and incomprehension.

“Back door,” Maud said.

Trixie jumped on Maud like a tiger. I think you guess what happened next.

Comments

[klystron2010]

*too much food

Also you tenses seem a little weird at times.

But this was cute.

[Heart of Blades]

Wow, Maud's kinda evil, lol. I gotta say, I do love how your showing the whole relationship of these two being....well, flawed. Relationships are messy, people/ponies are damaged and have issues. So I love the way you show how Trixie and Maud's flaws work with one another, but it positive or negative. Great cute moments thus far, love your comic and can't wait to see what deeper things you explore with this random fic

[funbrand]

Cool story, bro

[PostApocolyptica]

This is great. With the first chapter, it definitely read "like a translation"; it was well-written and effective, but this time you around you're much more expressive. You're painting a much clearer picture (outside of drawing comics ^_^) and it's easy to visualise Trixie furiously scrubbing away at the kitchen whilst Maud and Pinkie lurk nearby. Fantastic. I've noticed that your errors are going down rapidly; your English is very good, perhaps better than you think.

[Dirty Bit]

Funny and adorable

[PostApocolyptica]

The very last sentence: "I think you guess what happened next." That should probably be "I think you can guess what happened next." Other than that I don't think there's anything else to tweak.

[SusieBeeca]

Votre Anglais est tellement mieux que mon Francais!

This story just has adorable written all over it. The way their very different personalities bounce off each other is so well explored.

[NemoSpecific]

Ah, so this is going to be the Kiss-a Sutra, is it? Cute!

[reversalmushroom]

When is the next part of this coming out?

[KwirkyJ]

notes on chapter: The Kiss Book - 01 - Clapping Door :

Every breakfast I cook has to be the breakfast of your life. And that’s the same for everything I make for my friends. This morning, I had prepared a lot of waffles with strawberries, blueberries and maple syrup. And when I say a lot, I’m not joking — you can’t imagine how much Trixie was able to eat. Every time, she yelled “You made too much food!” and devoured everything to the last crumb. And, about Maud, have you ever seen she can’t help slightly licking her lips when she’s enjoying her meal? I don’t usually brag, but I sure have!

(This fits oddly with the rest of the story and is just odd; I have tried to clean it up below in a manner consistent with your style…)
> I had made lots of waffles for breakfast. (And when I say lots, I mean lots! You can't imagine just how much Trixie can eat. She would always yell, "You made too much food!" and proceed to devour everything to the last crumb. And Maud, have you ever seen that she can't help but slightly lick her lips when she's enjoying her meal?) Because every breakfast I make has to be the best, there were lots of strawberries, blueberries, and plenty of maple syrup. We didn't talk very much while we ate, but I didn't mind because we were enjoying it because it was all so good!

but she was still occupied restraining another burp

occupied -> occupied by OR occupied with

groaned Trixie as I was discreetly closing the door.

> groaned Trixie.
(The remainder of this is unnecessary, as Maud points out 'she left' immediately after.)

I heard a really short and soft kiss.

“There. Now, that’s blackmail.”

While not a problem, I would recommend:
> After a moment, "There. Now it's blackmail."

I quickly moved away from the door as Maud was stepping outside, Trixie calling her all the names under the sun. Maud closed the door, we looked at each other and, in perfect sisters’ unison, we waited a few seconds and eavesdropped from behind the door. Trixie was still cursing while she looked for the cleaning products in the chests of drawers. “You’re so stupid, Maud! What do you think I am? A slave? A toy?” She sighed. “Aw, Maudie… I wish you could hug me hard and —“

> Maud stepped outside and closed the door behind her, Trixie calling her all names under the sun. We looked at each other for a moment and, in perfect sisters' unison, pressed our ears against the door. “You're so […]”
(the passage about 'looking' is impossible, as they are listening instead of peeking; other edits improve the flow of the scene.)

I would really like to relate to you what she said next, but Maud drew me back a little to make clear that what Trixie was saying right now was more her business than mine.

> I wish I could relate to you what she said next, but Maud pushed me away from the door, making it clear that what Trixie was saying was none of my business.
('I wish I could' better suggests the inability of Pinkie versus unwillingness; 'pushed' instead of 'drew' fits the physical situation better; 'none of my business' avoids ambiguity of 'her business' (whose?))

We could now hear the sound of a rag rubbed on the table. Maud waited a bit more, then looked at me. It was my turn. She moved away as I opened the door, the sound of the rag stopped immediately. I came in the dining room and saw a hidden disappointment on Trixie’s face.

> For a moment there was no sound but the faint rubbing of a rag on a table. We waited a bit longer, then Maud looked at me. It was my turn. She moved away as I opened the door and went back inside. The rag stopped instantly, the disappointment I saw on Trixie's face quickly giving way to a scowl.
("we could now" does odd things with tense; other corrections are general improvements)

She gave a faint scowl.

> (delete)
(You can delete this, if you accept the above correction where the scowl is already known)

Really? I don’t think Maud would think you did it.

?> Really? I don't think Maud would agree with that.
("think you did it" just sounds odd to me, but not a failure in the language.)

a quick nod meaning well played and we eavesdropped again. Of course, Trixie was now insulting me, rubbing harder the table.

> (delete "meaning well played")
eavesdropped -> listened ('eavesdropped,' as the past tense, is almost never used)
"rubbing harder the table" -> "rubbing the table (even) harder (than before)"

One, two…

',' -> '…'
(ellipsis (…) is better choice)

Maud looked at me again and I pushed the door.

?> pushed (through) the door
(using 'through' is more natural)

I turned back to the coat rack, and Trixie threw it right in my face with her magic.

“I think you should hurry now!” she yelled at me.

>Trixie seized my coat from the rack and threw it right in my face.

"Here's your stupid coat!" she yelled at me. "Now is that all you forgot?"
(general improvements not related to translation issues)

but Maud had asked me to do so.

?> but Maud expected me to:
(change of period to colon is necessarily, according to "the following" earlier in the sentence; "expected me to" keeps the intent of Maud's wishes while avoiding the confusion from (not) being asked.)

“I don’t think Maud would agree…”

> "It's better, but I still don't think Maud would agree…"
(sensible change if you accept the above modification of 'Maud wouldn't agree')

I ran off before Trixie could react. Maud nodded to me again, but I whispered “I’m not doing it a third time.”

“You are,” she said.

?> I fled, slamming the door before Trixie could say anything else. Maud stood there, looking at me, and nodded.

"I'm not doing it a third time," I whispered.

"Yes, you are," she said.
(suggested as a general improvement)

Business risk

> Occupational hazard
(after thinking about what you might have meant, this seems accurate and more natural)

Maud went away in the farm

> Maud left towards the farm
(more natural-sounding language)

I didn’t have anymore to press my ear again the door to hear the rubbing, and Trixie groaning it would be the cleanest table the world had ever seen.

> I didn't have to put my ear against the door to hear sound of rubbing between Trixie's groans that it would be […]
(more natural-sounding language; general improvement)

I forgot to count. When I realized it,

> I had forgotten to count. When the realization struck me,
(general improvement)

I stepped back and stammered “I forgot what I… had to forgot…”

> (comma after 'stammered' ; 'had to forgot' -> 'had to forget' OR -> 'forgot')

In fact, I could see twice Trixie’s murderous look, as she had a perfect reflection of herself in the table.

> Two murderous looks were on me, Trixie's face mirrored perfectly in the table's surface.
(more natural language; general improvement)

She started getting closer to me, and I honestly don’t know what would have happened next if she didn’t hear a voice saying “That’s good cleaning.”

> She started making her way around the table towards me. I don't know—and I'm glad I don't—what would have happened next, because I was saved by a voice saying, "That's good cleaning."

her eyes filled with anger and incomprehension.

> uncomprehending.
(general improvement)

I think you guess what happened next.

> I think you can guess what happened next.
(natural language needs the 'can')

[Renodil]

Is this story dead?