Forget not that I am a derp.
In the cosmos of the collective unconscious, a filly's dream dims and quakes, threatening to collapse in on itself. The cause won't be as simple to fix as a few ghost stories or a spat between sisters.
A heavily refurbished entry in the December 2014 Writeoff Competition.
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So, this is Apple Bloom's dream that Princess Luna visits? Neat.
Pretty good story. That ending really intrigued me.
Also:
The pony puns never end, do they?
Well, everypony knows the Cutie Mark Crusaders will bring about the end of days.
blogimg.ngfiles.com/692000/692490/860026018_caption-d.jpg
I would love to see this expanded on.
The end of days are near, Luna must be going through something.
Freaking epic!
So apparently the chapter has 4440 words, but the whole story only has 4437. I'm not sure how that works
Also, I really like how Luna phrases her wish for luck; too many people leave out the very important second part
Interesting indeed.
"Cutie Mark Crusader Harbingers of the Apocalypse, yay!"
Definitely did a good job cleaning this up. :) I almost thought it was an entirely different story until Apple Bloom showed up!
niiiiice! I hope more comes to show :D
Somehow, I am not at all surprised that the CMC are threatening to destroy the world... probably by either complete accident or out of some brilliantly terrible misguided plan to help everypony...
Of course, if that power could be re-directed, it ALSO wouldn't surprise me that the could usher in a new golden age. Untapped potential, and all that...
Would definitiely be interested in seeing a sequel where Luna and company actually have to deal with the situation, should you eve have a mind to write one.
Well, the solution is obvious: kill the Crusaders. Nothing of value will be lost.
WHAT
Um, to be continued?
WHELP.
Eagerly await the continuation.
Finally got a chance to catch up on my reading, and the extra work that got put into this since the writeoff really shows. The story comes together well and brings out the original themes much more effectively. Well done.
One goof to fix:
Now THIS is a story to invest in
OMG, I can comment again! Merry Christmas indeed
5414137 The chapter count would seem to include the work and chapter titles, whereas the work count only counts the actual text.
Well, that certainly took a turn for the unexpected once Luna woke up. The part that took place within the dream would have worked as a very nice stand-alone but the second half just demands a sequel.
Congrats, yours is the first write-off fic that I've reread in its published form. (And my rereads list has very august company, so I guess you lucked out -- but it turns out, as Luna would say, you didn't need much.) I like your world-building, I like the plot, I like how Luna is unsure of what to do about the prophecy, I quite like how that translates into how she treats Apple Bloom with a soft touch, and I really like the multiple meanings of the chapter title (even though they slipped by me until the author's note). As 5434363 says, the polish really shines.
You should heed his proofreading fix, though. In addition, look at this line:
Either "established" is supposed to be "abolished", or she's trying to say something else, or she is saying something else and I'm just being particularly dense. That's still like a 20% chance you need to rewrite the line, though.
Nevertheless, I'll say by way of real criticism (as opposed to proofreading): as much as I like how the premise builds on canon, you still haven't really closed the tonal disjunction of "Crusader hijinks whee!" from the canon material and the darkness of fate-of-the-world prophecy for me. The words "for me" are pretty important in that sentence, though; such a thing is extremely personal. The range of jokes and details and worldbuilding on a scale from "whimsical kid's fantasy" to "terrible and inevitable prophecy" may not sit together well in my mind (I don't know if they even can, and even if so it occurred to me that you might be in the wrong medium for this story), but they're broad, continuous, well-paced, and individually strong enough that I can believe that they work for somebody, rather than just being less glaring to some. Such a thing can't really hit an "objectively" ready-to-publish state since it's so subjective, but that seems like a good enough metric. Even for me it was a huge improvement over the disjointed original.
Why is this marked as complete? This is hardly a prologue; there's an entire story here begging to be told. Come on!
media.giphy.com/media/7n9gbKdyMw/giphy.gif
Canonically, the "Equestria" version of California is called Coltifornia. I just thought you should know. Anyways, that was great. When is the sequel coming out?
I'll second the demands for a sequel, because this is way too interesting to end here.
5529596 I agree.
*looks at rating after reading*
Wait what the fuck?
6137807
What, you mean the author's note? What about it?
6137898 No, likes. And the number really doesn't fit.
Well, this was way darker than Bloom & Gloom. Also way better, though. More would be nice.
5413830
What did you see, that I'm not seeing?
6485000 108 is a highly symbolic number
6485262 - Oh, thanks!
I knew that already, 'cause I'm a troper. ... I thought there'd be something to the 43.
And now they have a Triad Cutie Mark... the Power of Three.
My Little Charmed: Witchcraft is Magic
Anyway, kinda don't see them destroying the world now that they're busy helping foals and griffons find their purpose in life. Crisis averted!
8371982
Indeed! Forty-four doom prophecies down, sixty-four to go.
8371992 And sixty-three of those that remain are in regards to guest writers on the show writing grimdark episodes.
I am... INTRIGUED.
I... WANT a continuation... To see how this comes about...
I... WANT this to be left as is so we can just enjoy the suspense...
But I also want to write the continuation, or at least something similar... MYSELF.
Damn my inspiration.
This story is DESPERATELY crying out for a continuation.
This feels like the prologue for a Good Omens-esque adventure.
Will you be doing a sequel for the rest of the Cutie Mark Crusaders?
This is the Imperial Guard motto!