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Tales of a Hidden World is a compilation of short stories placed in the same alternative Equestria, a world where the magic of friendship shares place with dark mysteries of ages past. Book one lets us witness the tale of Pincushion, a young unicorn gangster from Manehattan, as he gets a glimpse of his home's true nature.
(Credit to Mindblower for writing things and creating characters that made this story possible)
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This is a really good story. I would not be surprised to finda movie about it later in life. The characters are good, the story is good. Its al good.
Just one thing. Myrtle, the old mare that answers teh warehouse door Is she supposed to say "Come in" or "Come is" becuase the story reads the latter
I suppose what i like best is the characters. You have all the characters you need to have for a story like this, and some you don't. Thats what makes it good. You have some active mare characters in a gangster type story. You have the aging bosses, the too eager underlings, the young, but promising one. You did good with this story
A foray into the seedy underbelly of the city of Manehatten. As they say, no society is without dissenters and criminals.
I’ll be keeping a watch on this story to see where it goes. Mostly because that opening makes me really want to know what the heck happened for him to get in that position.
5417068 Argh... thanks (three people read it before publishing and nobody caught that...
)
This story is so far well written (By my lax standards), has good characters, and an interesting story. This story deserves more attention then it's getting.
Sadly I’ve noticed that a lot of good stories seem to get buried and never looked at just based on pure bad luck.
I know it’s discouraging when you work hard on a story for it to hardly get read. Just keep on trucking and trying to find ways to up your readership… I know I am. (Still haven’t found a good way yet)
5417269 I know. I'm really glad that Trick Question's "The Element of Surprise" managed to get noticed. (one of the few situations where I'd really be proud to call "first" )
As for how one can promote himself - I have tried adding my works to groups with little effect. But once I switched to "I comment on your story, you comment on mine" I managed to get the two of you.
I think you meant to put Pincushion in the description, rather than pincusion...
Some pony noìre. Interesting. And from the looks of things, you may be taking this down a slightly eldritch route. Wonder how it'll mix…
Well, thanks for clueing me in that this existed, Brain. I'm eager to see where you take this.
Also, having luck as a superpower makes for a lot of fun, in my opinion, as long as the person in question remembers to make a bit of his own luck as well.
Thx for your comment on Wings of Freedom. Interesting concept. I look forward to seeing it develop
Very nice, as I've said before. I don't know what will happen with Smarts and the rest of them now, but I know i can't wait to find out. And just who the hell is the old pony? Can i get a hint please? Pinkie promise to keep it to myself
5445017 It is a piece of a bigger puzzle. It will one day be revealed (perhaps in an epic saga that I'm dreaming of one day writing - I have some 20k words in various loose files so far. If not, there will be a special chapter to reveal things) Until I know one way or another, I plan to write more short stories, pieces of the puzzle for you to piece together. Where would be the fun in revealing things now?
5445200 I'm not saying you have to reveal everything now. You have given so little that we barely have the outside pieces of the puzzle. All i was saying is that hint, however small, may not be the worst thing. But i do completely understand where your coming from.
And about that epic saga, if you need some help you could ask me. If you haven't noticed my stories aren't exactly on the short side (thats actually the reason i don't as many reads and comments as i would like.)
5445660 There is already a very big hint hidden in what you have been shown - so big that I'd spoil things by pointing it out. (I will in PM if you are persistent). As for writing more, there is nothing you can do to help, really. The only thing that's needed is me sitting down and writing it down. It's all fully formed in my head.
5445713 I will not be persistent. Im just impatient, but understanding. What you're doing is what makes your story so great. Suspense and all that. i also understand the having the whole story planned out in your head. I have/had every story i ever wrote or am still writing bouncing around in my skull. It got a bit crowded a while ago, and then i posted a new story and freed up some space. Then more ideas moved in. it never ends
Did Smarts just break an adult Applebloom's heart?
5445017
The obvious answer is that he's Stan Lee.
5445960 I will wait for the author to confirm that via the rest of the story. If it is in fact true, then i damn you to Tartarus for spoiling it in the comments. Have a nice day
Really good story so far. I don't like the cliff hanger ending of the chapter, but that is a damn good cliff hanger. I love this story and the whole gangster noire feel it has. This story deserves more attention. I fear people might be scared off by the OC character tag. I usually am, but gave this story a chance. I'm glad I did.
Your OCs are original characters you created. They are really well done and interesting. They aren't author self inserts to make their self look cooler or anything like that. They also are far from Mary Sues as well. I would add it to more groups, but I don't really belong to any groups this story could apply to really. I look forward to how the story progresses.
I also like the amount of suspense you have going with it. It isn't overpowering and detracting from the rest of the story or anything like that. Instead the mysteries add to the story and make it even more interesting.
5445960 I was actually starting to think that as well. I guess it will either be explained later who she is or not. She is kind of out of the story for now it seems.
5446081
Send me there? From whence did you think I was posting?
Hmm, I'm not all that familiar with mafia/noir style narratives, but this was pretty enjoyable. Lots of OC's to keep track of but then again every new published book is exactly that.
Well dangit. Aren't ambushes magic?
Here's betting Celestia is somehow behind the cover-up.
5476619 Could you elaborate on the first point?
5476686
Sort of a play on "Friendship is Magic," in a similar vein to Rarity's "Congratu-pony-lations, fillies! Isn't friendship magic?!"
Mostly me being silly and comiserating with the protags.
5477156 Ah, I was concerned you had some issues with the plot.
So... finally got a chance to read this, as most of my time on the site previously I was just writing my story and responding to PMs/comments.
However, there are a few things that kind of get to me and bring me out of the story...
First off, I would think the world would be a bit more heavily policed... From what it sounds like here, there isn't a single cop in the entire city...
Second... the names of some of the things... They remind me this is that bright and friendly world where crime is almost non-existant... I mean, I know it's an alternate universe... But still...
You only have ONE grammar mistake in the entire chapter...
Should be right, not righ.
Other than that, I REALLY like this story so far.
5477512 The second thing was entirely on purpose - a lot of the rest of this world is Equestria we know and love and even a hardened criminal might throw a pie at you sometimes (if only to shank you while you're blinded)
The first... not so much, but I guess it also comes with the world. The police keeps appearing in the background, but on the whole the MLP law enforcement has all the effectiveness of Imperial stormtroopers.
A point for you for pointing out a flaw none of my proofreaders had (and they did cause me a lot of editing - never believe one that says creation is a one-man process
)
This just keeps getting better and better with every chapter. Things are really heating up now. (Lighter pun intended) I have to say though that i am not worried about Pin. That pony is a badass, I do find myself wondering if Smarts will still have a role to play later on in the story. I guess i will just have to wait and see
5479583 Now I'm worried that it may be a tough act to follow (as book two is quite purposefully made of snippets, giving the reader some outside borders of the puzzle instead of a big part like this one)
As for being badass... Pin is a big fish in a small pond. In terms of ability, most named members of the Pool would be about on pair with Dr Caballero's goons.
I'm about to give you some comments you can't refuse. You could delete them, but why would you do that?
First impression: I liked it. I felt you did a good job setting the mood quickly. Without looking at the tabs, I got a rather gangster/noir vibe very quickly.
Some Good: You've got some good action going on. Pretty decent.
Some not-so-good: I saw four little mistakes.
1.
2.
3.
4.
I highly recommend getting an editor to look over your stuff before you upload it. I can tell you from experience that a good editor is a god-send and they can really help you bring out a story and character's full potential.
Some more notes: I thought Chips was named after "chipping" the ball. Like they had a theme. Then came Fish (who I imagined sounded like Clamps from Futurama for some reason). Why didn't you stick with the theme? (Unless fish and chips are somehow related to pool in some way I didn't know about).
I'm not really an expert on picking apart stories. I just know I like something if I like something. And I liked your story so far. I felt pretty good about the two main characters, but I have a feeling Smarts... He may not live up to his real name for very long.
I'll be reading the rest later. Looking forward to seeing how this turns out.
And Godfather 1 is my favorite movie of all time.
5501906 I have three proofreaders. three.
Well that's a disturbing ending.
His sentiments remind me of the Operative from Serenity.
I wonder how he expects the power vacuum to get resolved? I mean, you can't just kill gangsters, you have to kill the idea of gangs.
On a side-note, I'm going to start calling Mr. Blankflank "the Garbage Man."
5503799 That's the thing, he can't. Not without creating a tyranny and becoming a monster himself.
In a way, 8-ball was right too. There will always be somepony to fill the vacuum. That won't change.
So, he only kills those who go too far.
Whoa. That ending. . . I don't know what to say to that. That is really messed up, and yet it wraps things up rather nicely at the same time. Good story overall
5504883 It also solves your argument from before by supplying a timeframe clue
I feel really bad for Smarts… he made some poor life choices and now he’s suck. Even though he wanted out, he’s stuck in because of his ‘friends’ keeping him in place.
PS.
You're missing a closing quotation there.
Well I... I kinda saw this coming. I think?
I did have the idea that the ones claning up the bodies and cencoring the media were either some sort of government agency or vigilanty group. Turns out to be closer to the 2ed one.
Also... WTF was that guy?! Some sort of body hopping daemon of justice? Now I want to know more about that guy.
The first chapter plays out like a standard crime fiction: arrogant rival gang stirs up trouble, best friend has a clueless girlfriend, boss complains about wanting to retire. All classic! These concepts coalesce into a story that more or less reminds me of movies like The Godfather. It seems the music left quite an influence!
Pin appears to be a unique protagonist though. He is keener than the gangsters he associates with and the rivals he encounters, which manifests itself in the narration seamlessly. The guy knows where to stop when it comes to open violence, another quality that quite possibly makes him the most sane criminal to walk the streets of the underworld. Hopefully, his thoughts will end up manifesting in the narration more over the course of the story.
5520739 now I'm anxious to hear your opinion on the whole thing. Does the rest of the story live up to the first chapter, or not?
Also, a little survey: how did you find this story? It has been some time since it last got new readers.
5520790 I only finished your second chapter now. The protagonist does not seem to have changed much besides acting as confidant for 8-Ball. While I was disappointed that 8-Ball explicitly mentioned that Pin and Squall were foils, I found that their relationship was implemented well in the rest of the chapter. They seem reminiscent of Michael and Sonny Corleone respectively, if the brotherly element were removed.
The other characters were distinguishable and varying in personality. Smarts, however, feels like a flatter character than he is supposed to be. His personality does not really come through actions like Squall's or thoughts like Pin's; he is just Pin's best friend and has a girlfriend out of the business. No genuine inner conflict, really (or it just did not occur to me while reading). He could have been given a bigger role this chapter, but I think the focus here was the escalation in violence.
If the first fight scene displayed restraint right before the bloodbath, then the second one definitely pulled out all the stops. What I really enjoyed was how the attacks Pin used in the first fight were used again to a bloodier outcome in the second. The pin in the wing goes from steel knuckles to a switchblade in true gangster spirit. Escalation is the theme of this chapter, and the conflict grows all the more desperate as a result.
So what am I saying? I am saying that I am enjoying the story for its protagonist and the way it is written.
5528978 Now that's what I call a mixed blessing. This is the kind of a review I was hoping for when adding my works to "I just want a comment" group (Is that how you found me? You haven't answered that question)
But on the other hand, my ego is as big as it is fragile. And the way you write your comments gives you an aura of credibility that could make a bad review hurt a lot.
5529603 I believe it was the "I just want a comment" group I found this piece in. I just search my feed at times with little regard for the group listed.
I hope you see me not as a genuine, professional critic (note my username!) but as a fellow writer who wants to help. I only comment based on my observations and not on a rubric or scale; you will not see a bad review from me, but at the same time, I will not hesitate to share my thoughts on what works and what does not.
Quite an exciting chapter you have here. It would be a shame if someone came and, say, downvoted it and didn't leave a comment. Perhaps if you were to, oh, I don't know, give me a little bit of persuasion I might be able to...
*PFFFF*
OK. Seriously. Good chapter. Really exciting from beginning to end. Particularly when the coin dropped. That is when I knew that shit was about to go down. The tension really built up pretty well.
Hey! There's a
spytypo over there!I might need a second reading of this chapter to understand fully what was going on in this ending.
But moving away from that, I have to say that this story has been a wonderful read. Pin had a complex personality that grew progressively darker as the story went on, perfectly mirroring the escalation in the plot. For such a paucity of dialogue, he is given immense depth that demonstrates how effectively narration can build or destroy a character. His thoughts, his nuances, and his interactions with other characters almost makes him seem otherworldly, when compared to the flatter archetypes of 8-ball, Squall, and Smarts.
Not to say they were bad characters. They served the role they needed to in the story.
What I enjoyed most were the downplayed moments - those instances where Pin was just walking down the street or sneaking around, juggling loyalties and paranoia with a stoic facade. Thinking back on those moments and the revelations they unveiled, I understood better who this character was and how much he valued the few friends around him.
I guess that was why I cared when the climax and the gut punch in the end came around. I hope to see where book 2 takes us next in this other world.
Yeowch.
Poor Smarts. I feel bad for him.
And what is up with that strange old unicorn?
Also:
You have the speech tag in italics as well.
Well, the tension has been building up quite a bit in this chapter. Time for some payoff!
And that was pretty sneaky. "The one who knows." Took me a little bit to figure it out.
Quick fix:
Missing some quotation marks.
And chocolate flaxen has a wonderful color.
40.media.tumblr.com/48ba4660c4eb3b6fa694ae85fa5a722f/tumblr_n0lm3fQqDG1sknwwvo1_500.jpg
5696671 every second comment finds some quotation mark out of place...
Yes, yes it is.
Wow, that was a sudden change.
Not saying it wasn't foreshadowed, I just didn't expect this to suddenly turn into... you know... that.(Being vague to prevent spoilers)
But still, it was very good. We have a closing to the little arc but now are bounding off into a bigger story. I'm excited to see how things turn out and curious as to who this mysterious pony is.
I saw it mentioned before in another comment, but I feel like a rereading may be in order to fully understand and see how everything connects. I might have done myself a disservice spending a week or so between chapters (and then reading other stuff in between).
Good job and good luck on the sequel.
Do I have to read this before book two?
6806340 Book 1 and Book 2 can be read in either order. What it changes is the perception of the story - because you get some clues in a different order (take Star Wars for example - depending on whether you watch the original trilogy or the prequel trilogy first, these are quite different movies)
My only request is for no book 2 info in book 1 comments
6806359 Alright I'll see what I can do.