Chapter 1
A few weeks after the defeat of The Dazzlings...
Sunset Shimmer P.O.V.
It was another one of those boring history lessons again. American history was not nearly as interesting as Equestrian history... There was no turning Discord into stone, no windigoes, no sirens and also no-
"Sunset Shimmer!" I heard a voice shout. It was my history teacher, Mrs Violet.
"Huh?" I yelped in surprise. A few people snickered.
"Daydreaming in class again? Well then, I expect you know a lot about American history already? In which year did Christopher Columbus discover America?"
"Uhhhh, 1783?" I mumbled a random number. I had no idea who this Christopher Columbus even was. What would you expect from a pony from another world though?
Mrs Violet took a deep breath and sighed loudly. "Sunset Shimmer, how does detention sound?"
"Not very good Mrs Violet."
"Well too bad, that exactly what your getting, after school, 1 hour 2-3, and I expect you to listen in class." With that she got back to teaching the class more about American history.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The bell finally rang after what felt like eons. I got out of that prison together with Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash. "Ugh, I can't believe she gave me detention for an hour."
"It's not that bad, well maybe because I have had 2 hours before..." Rainbow comforted, if you could call it that.
"Hello girls!" Shouted a familiar voice that belonged to none other then Rarity, who was with Fluttershy and Applejack. They found a table a sat down at it, they all went to take their food, except Sunset Shimmer, who took out the book she used to write to Princess Twilight. It was nicknamed the 'text-book'.
Dear Princess Twilight,
Hope you are well in Equestria. Just got detention, never a fun thing... We are really missing you here. Maybe you can go through the portal again to visit us one day. This book is great when I need advice or when I just want to talk. Do you think it can send photos?
Your Friend
Sunset Shimmer
I took a photo we took together and stuck it in. I closed it and opened it once again and flipped to that same page, and the photo was gone! It had been sent. "It worked guys! I can send photos through the text-book!"
"Oh that's wonderful." Fluttershy said. A few moments later, the book began to glow and vibrate.
In an excited tone, I exclaimed, "she replied!" I opened it and flipped to that page.
Dear Sunset Shimmer,
Life here is great, no monsters of any sorts attacking yet... How are you, other then that detention thing, is it bad? I hope not. I think I might come over next week, really missing you guys, we really need to get together one day when the fate of both of our worlds isn’t hanging in the balance… I didn't know that you could send photos through this book! I've sent one myself! I can't even believe I got Cadance in on this one!
Your Friend,
Princess Twilight
A picture with a lot of ponies fell out of the book. "Hey girls, come and see this, your pony counterparts!" All of them scampered over to my side to see the picture. There was Twilight with her wings spread out majestically, surrounding her was Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Applejack and Spike.
“WOW! So Spike really is a dragon!” exclaimed Fluttershy excitedly. There were the Cakes, the Mayor, Zecora, the CMC, Big Mac with Granny Smith and Snips and Snails together, all in the photo that was taken. At the right-hand side of the photo was three exceptionally tall, mares, a midnight blue one, a white one and also a pink one standing together.
“Hey… These three look really familiar. Can’t quite put my finger on it though…” Rainbow Dash looked like she was thinking hard.
“They’re Princess Celestia, Princess Luna and Princess Cadance. They are the rulers there.” I provided the answers. Sure has been a long time since I have seen Princess Celestia. Should I go back one day?
“Princess? Like Twilight? Talk about a promotion! Principal Celestia, Vice-Principal Luna and Counselor Cadance’s counterparts I assume?” Rarity mumbld to herself.
“By the way, Twilight says that she might come over in a week!” I informed. All of us cheered happily, drawing attention to our table.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After recess, we got back to our classrooms RD and Pinkie with me. I looked at my timetable. It’s Geography next. I’m still not particularly used to the human versions of the cities in America, for example, Manehattan is Manhattan and Fillydelphia is Philadelphia. It wasn't very interesting when your teacher taught you about something you knew relatively well. So I decided to take out the text-book and wrote a reply to Princess Twilight.
Dear Princess Twilight
Thanks for sending in that picture, Pinkie was so excited when she saw her pony counterpart. I guess they all have the same personalities. Rarity was quite fascinated by Princess Celestia, Princess Luna and Princess Cadance's regalia, something about really grand... RD asked whether her pony counterpart was just as sporty and awesome as she was, I assume she is. Fluttershy is still very excited about Spike being a dragon. Applejack is just excited to see her whole family as ponies. We are all so glad and excited about your upcoming visit! Until then, take care!
Your Friend,
Sunset Shimmer
I suddenly realized that the class was very quiet, the teacher wasn't talking, no one was whispering. I looked up. "Gah!" My Geography teacher was staring straight into my eyes. Oh no, I knew I was in trouble.
"Sunset Shimmer, what are you doing while I'm teaching?" She asked.
"Ohh heh uhh, I'm just um, you know, uh, taking notes?" I stammered, I mentally scolded myself for such a lame excuse. She'll definitely want to look at the book. In 3 2-
"Really? Let me look at that book." I groaned inwardly and passed the book to Ms Fern. She opened the book, and glared at me after she looked through the book.
"Writing gibberish is notes to you, Sunset Shimmer?" I could see the whole class giving me funny looks, some were trying to hide their laughs.
"Uhhh, yes?" I had nothing else to say.
"You can get it back tomorrow."
"Can I get it at the end of class? Please!" I had to see Twilight's reply!
"No! Tomorrow and that's final." My teacher said firmly. I sunk into my seat in defeat. The rest of the day passed by quickly until school ended. Rainbow, Pinkie and I walked towards the school canteen and sat down at a seat. Rainbow was staying back for soccer practice and Pinkie was just following us to the canteen for some food before she left for home. I was having a quick lunch before I left for detention. I actually wanted to just write to Twilight in detention... Now that it's confiscated, I have nothing to do for 1 hour. Maybe I'll finish my homework.
"I can't believe Ms Fern confiscated the text-book! Now we'll never get to talk to Twilight again!" Pinkie complained in annoyance.
"Pinkie, it's only for a day!" Said a calm Rainbow.
"Oh yeah!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After detention, which was so boring, I headed back to my appartment, 5 minutes away from CHS. I just want the text-book back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
End of Chapter 1
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What is the crossover tag for?
>>gcwg57
I had an idea earlier but scrapped it and forgot to remove the tag.
Rookie mistake number one. You should never put a tag like this in your story. You do not need to tell the reader whose perspective the story is told from. You need to show them in the narrative. Which you've done. Take this eyesore out.
The Equestria Girls world IS NOT EARTH. I've said this time and again and I'll keep saying it again and again: real-world country names and the like do not belong in this setting.
that's
you're
Okay, couple of different problems here. I'll address the grammatical problem first:
Numbers below one hundred should always be spelled out in narrative.
So this SHOULD be "one hour, two to three".
Now, on to the other problem:
Ignoring the fact that the teacher wouldn't be telling Sunset how long her detention is and when it is, because that's typically an administrative thing, the school day generally lasts until about 3:30pm or so. So...her detention would NOT be from two to three, because she'd be in some other class.
Sunset Shimmer, who is still the first-person POV character--so why'd you suddenly switch to third person in mid-paragraph?
Wow, you didn't just steal that idea from me, you pretty much stole it word for word. Nice!
than
And that's a line of dialogue lifted directly from the show...
More plagiarism, except you added a few more ponies to the picture.
High schools don't have recess.
Other than Sunset Shimmer having the journal confiscated by a teacher, there's not one original idea in this.
5365918
Thanks but I didn't steal anything from anyone, coincidents. I can change it if you want. That sudden 3rd person was an accident I'll change it soon. And I have absolutely zero idea about American education system. The place I live is completely different, I'm like 12 sooo yeah.
5365947 Yeah, you really should change this. Because you can call it coincidence if you want, but it's just too similar...I'm sorry, but I can't see it as anything but plagiarism.
5365947 Where are you from?
Also I don't mind it being in the real world. I like the story over all and wait for more.
5366456
ok i'll change it but give me a while, I'm currently a bit busy but I pinkie promise I'll change it soon
Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.
5368456
I'm from Singapore. Glad you like the story. Writing Chapter 2
5368546 Congratulations! You're the first brony I've come across, that's from Singapore.
If Sunset don't know about Columbus. Then, you all can stop think that she will know about the famous conquistadors like Cortes and the Pizarro Brothers. But the Sirens aka the Dazzlings may know about Cortes.
5365918
Actually. I've had many, MANY READERS tell me again and AGAIN that I SHOULD just this!
5365918
While that is certainly popular fanon, there has been nothing within the two movies themselves besides the odd coloring of the characters to suggest that this COULDN'T be an Earth. I'd say either is possible and acceptable.
5365918
So?
Oookay. Now I'm beginning to make sense. But seriously? Someone ADOPTED your idea for how the link book works? I'd be HAPPY if I knew. But there is a difference between LAZINESS and INSPIRATION. If someone just copy and pasted it, then it's not inspiration.
I knew a guy who changed the ending paragraph of something, and then just changed the by line to a several page work, and then claimed it as theirs, then LIED about it when asked more than once, THAT is stealing.
Wait a minute I think I have seen a paragraph very similar to this in another story. Just trying to find which one I saw it in
5398740
This one?
5457093
: Eeyup thats the one
Bro, great story so far! Reminds me of me this awesome story I wrote. Keep up the good work! :)
Equestria Girls: Rarity Takes Boston
5365918 If you're trying to provide constructive criticism (which I prefer to believe you are), it needs to be more constructive. Being a grammar-vulture is fine - goodness knows I do it - but that's less than 20% of your comment. Some tips for next time you feel like criticising narrative features:
Never? There are published books that do this. The Animorphs series (which I kinda like) has a few slightly thicker volumes, entitled Megamorphs, which switch POVs each chapter (the normal ones pick one and stick to it), and they tell you which character they're switching to.
I don't recall this being specified in canon. Also, hang onto that "not Earth" - I'll come back to it.
Less "should always", more "should generally, to prevent breaking the reader's flow". There's a difference.
Drawing from your personal experience is fine, but it doesn't necessarily apply to things you didn't personally experience. Down here in Australia, high schools definitely do have recess, unless I was just hallucinating on a regular basis (which I doubt: everyone else went along with it); it wasn't much to speak of (sometimes as short as 20 minutes, which is barely time to accomplish anything as far as I'm concerned), but it existed. Who says Canterlot High doesn't have recess? I don't think canon does (although I could be wrong there). Who says their lunchtime doesn't include 2pm to 3pm? I don't think canon does (although I could be wrong there too). Or maybe EQG is a world of slackers and the school day finishes at 2pm. "Generally" != "always". (My sister's school day finishes at 3:05pm or so.)
You seem to be assuming in those two critiques that Canterlot High is bound to exactly the same structure as a United States high school. The existence of the cafeteria supports this assumption (they're definitely not a feature worldwide), but doesn't prove it. More importantly, in your own words:
Either this is Earth or it isn't. No middle ground there. Pick one and stick to it.
The problem with this is...? We're dealing with the same characters, in the same context; why wouldn't they say the same things?
Finally:
Here's a diff of the juicy bits:
[code]
-"Hello girls!" Shouted a familiar voice that belonged to none other then Rarity, who was with Fluttershy and Applejack. They found a table a sat down at it, they all went to take their food, except Sunset Shimmer, who took out the book she used to write to Princess Twilight. It was nicknamed the 'text-book'.
+Sunset Shimmer looked around at her friends, her eyes softening and her smile widening. Looking down at the book which lay open in front of her, she put pen to page.
Dear Princess Twilight,
- Hope you are well in Equestria. Just got detention, never a fun thing... We are really missing you here. Maybe you can go through the portal again to visit us one day. This book is great when I need advice or when I just want to talk. Do you think it can send photos?
+It's hard to believe it's been six weeks since you were here. Things have changed a lot since you left. I don't even know where to start.
-Your Friend
+For one thing, most of the school has forgiven me for the way I used to be. I'm still making amends for all the bullying and the ill will I spread, not to mention the whole demon and enslavement thing, but...with the help of my friends, I'm really turning things around.
+
+The Rainbooms are super popular! We're getting lots of attention. There's MP3s and online videos of our music going around all over Canterlot. Rainbow Dash made a big fuss over having another guitarist in the band, but we worked it out—she plays lead, I play accompaniment, and on some songs we play dual lead, or I even get to play lead. I can rock a mean solo!
+
+We're writing more and more songs where each of us can take over on lead vocals. Even Fluttershy has a song she sings lead on...except she won't sing it in front of anybody but us yet. She doesn't like being out in front of the band.
+
+Vinyl Scratch has joined the band permanently, by the way. And our little group of friends, too...she's sitting with us in the cafeteria even as I write this. It's a good thing we have her, because none of us can do what she does!
+
+We all miss you a lot. I know you're busy in Equestria, but don't forget to visit us when you have the time.
+
+Write back soon and tell us all about your adventures in Equestria.
+
+Your friend,
Sunset Shimmer
-I took a photo we took together and stuck it in. I closed it and opened it once again and flipped to that same page, and the photo was gone! It had been sent. "It worked guys! I can send photos through the text-book!"
+Sunset slid a photo out from beneath the journal. It showed the entire group gathered in the music room, posing with their instruments. Seven happy friends, enjoying doing something they all loved. With a smile, she placed it in the journal, then closed it. The cover of the journal glowed faintly. She picked up the book and shook it; nothing fell out. "It worked!" she cried happily.
(1) I'm aware a bunch of text is invisible off the right side; copy it into Notepad if it's that important.
(2) That's hardly word-for-word; in my humble opinion, it's different enough to show that even if it started as copypasta, some thought was put into it. What 5376690 said, too.
(3) Oh no. Someone thought your idea was great enough to use. Now it will live on! THE HORROR!
[gif of flower ponies fainting]
5365918
On that part where you say that school ends on 3:30pm/ 15:30 pm
My school is finished different times, different days btw.
but I had days where I'm finished 13:00 (1 pm) or 14:20 (2:20pm.)
Sometimes even earlier.
But it is creepy that she knows the time when Sunsets lessons end.
(*cough cough* stalker *cough*)