Sunset Shimmer, while sleeping in a Ponyville hotel, somehow gets into a Christmas Carol-eqsue situation. Madness ensues.
Written in 2 hours as well as my first story. Any constructive criticism would be nice.
Also, don't take it seriously, this is a Comedy fic after all.
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Just loved it!
5352011
Good to see that you're a fan of my work!
That was... really dumb.
5352293
I was mostly throwing ideas at the wall and testing how this FiMFiction formatting works. And it has the Random tag for a reason
5352336
You don't just slap words down and write it off as [Random]. Writing [Random] well is as much an art as writing a good [Adventure].
5352364
Legitimate criticism. Okay then. I'll take that into account for the sequel where Twilight Sparkle becomes a waffle and is eaten by a passing squirrel. I'm kidding
5352381
You monster.
5352389 Hey, it's for science.
And bad fan fiction.
Alright, let's see
Lavender Unicorn Syndrome - Your stories suffer from the overuse of describing ponies by their colors instead of just naming them. Please avoid that.
Similarly, you probably shouldn't introduce a character as "an alicorn" unless it's a character readers have never seen before. (Though saying "a certain blue alicorn" would've probably been acceptable, as we'd know who you're talking about). A better, more dramatic introduction of Luna would've just been "And there stood the towering form of the princess of the night." Or just say Luna.
In one early paragraph where you're describing Sunset's thoughts in succession by first saying "She thought" and than "She concluded." It's repetitive and the second one is probably redundant and unnecessary as readers can figure out she's continuing her thought process without that repetition.
You said "based" instead of "best" when describing Luna.
I know you were purposely trying to invoke the fanfiction but "cupcake" should be lower case unless Pinkie is literally saying Sunset would be a good version of the Cupcakes fanfic.
I'm sure there's more but I think that's alright for now. Other than that it was a fair/decent with some funny moments.
You know, I think this is my favorite moment. Just the thought of Luna taking the first excuse to leave and play video games warms my heart.
Other than that, fairly amusing in both story and narrative, but it is a bit rough at times and could use a thorough follow up edit. Still, nice enough.
Great use of meta humour. Story is rough in places.
Perhaps spend more time planning to have a clearer structure.
Despite the issues with the writing such as 'lavender unicorn syndrome' (although I did enjoy the "not Berry Punch" joke). Not bad for a first fic. The humour alone is enough for me to keep following your fanfics.
No, but it is the Feast of St Nicholas. So, kinda there...