One year after Pipsqueak convinced Luna to un-cancel Nightmare Night, she returns to scare them again, unfortunately she gets a bit TOO into her artistic groove, and accidentally unleashes a spell so evil that even as Nightmare Moon she refused to cast it. While Celestia investigates to see if the Elements of Harmony really DID take away Luna's dark powers, Fluttershy tries to cope with being something terrifying.
Story started before a certain spooky episode, might work it into the plot later, might not. Twilicorn will be worked into plot.
Critique of all chapters/stories welcome.
Nota Bene: The [Sad], [Tragedy], and [Dark] tags DO NOT apply.
Chapters (6)
Hmm, no dark tag, so it can't be too bad. I'll put it into the read later for now though.
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Looks pretty obvious that Fluttershy is not going to actually "die" in this fan-fiction.
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Correct.
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I wouldn't be so sure(I have her last words written out and everything)... but, again, note the absence of the "Sad" and "Dark" tags.
I am really bloody confused. You over generalzied or used fancy scientific words that made my head hurt. Is Fluttershy becoming Alicorn? That's my best guess right now /facehoof.
I like the story idea. But I was little confused about who was speaking at different times.
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If you can PM me where I am doing those things I will gladly do something about the "fancy scientific words" and see what I can do about the "over generalization". Even explaining what you mean by "over generalization" and/or giving ONE example would help.
And no, Fluttershy isn't becoming an Alicorn.
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Ah, I thought between speaking styles and explicit mentions it would be clear enough. I will consider adding more explicit mentions.
Huh, there must be something going around. Just today, I read stories which had Cherrilee and Sweetie Belle in this same situation.
WTF big mac killed fluttershy
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There is a certain amount of evidence for that, yes. But if so, why is he so happy about it? Seems a bit out of character for him, wouldn't you say? Plus using a knife instead of bucking her head to a pulp or some larger implement? What could be going on? Mind control? But wouldn't somepony have noticed something being out of place with him wearing his costume every day for a week if there wasn't a good explanation? Read, if you haven't already, and find out. If you read/have read the whole first chapter and still don't have a good grasp of what is going on in the first scene, send me a private message and I will explain it. I don't want to ruin the surprise TOO much for anyone who is intentionally trying to "solve the mystery".
EDIT^2: I got people to edit/removed myself some of the more direct spoilers below this point although there are still some pretty strong hints.
EDIT^3:This problem won't be nearly as big a deal for the comments for the next chapter since MOST of the mystery will be explicitly resolved in that chapter.
...I have no idea what's going on. I guess I'll just haveto read on and find out!
ooohhh... e-rip-mav
I get it now.
Okay, how is it that no one has figured this out yet?
Both the title and the first scene with Big Mac and Fluttershy clued me into what Fluttershy has become.
The rest of the chapter just confirmed it. I will not outright say it but I will give the clues that I see.
An evil spell considerd by Luna worst than turning a pony into a zombie. Luna worried about turning Fluttershy evil. Fluttershy not liking normal pony food and Indications that this one food might be the only thing Fluttershy might live on?
Her Freaking out at her reflection in the mirror, BTW was that due to her new teeth or lack of reflection? Or was it both?:flIuttershyouch:
BTW, I like that she turns into a fog, not a ___, going old school rather than more current myths.
If any brony reading this STILL hasn't figured out what Fluttershy is, you should take a break and go see a movie.
PS, so far a good story.
Edited by request of Draco Dei.
This is nine kinds of epic. This is one of those kinds of what if scenarios that requires the characterization to feel spot on for it to reach its full potential, and so far it does.
607956 Not to mention he NAMES it in the text in the Classic method for naming such a beasty
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I had no idea it was the "classic" method. I mean I know that many TV shows and such have had a fondness for naming a certain specific individual in that fashion, but I didn't know that the TYPE was much named that way. I was simply having Twilight create something to emphasize how DIFFERENT Fluttershy appears to her to be from the norm (Even the more... self-disciplined examples).
In the end I think it comes down to the answers to almost all riddles are obvious in hindsight.
651436 Heh, it's hard to have a conversation while trying to hide the subject of the conversation from onlookers. But yeah, in quite a few of the stories I've read, They've Done to their names what Twilight did They didn't call themselves what Twilight calls Fluttsy though. More along the lines of Yhsrettulf, Y'know? Even if it wasn;t intentional, though, It was Great
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Yeah, I know. Anyone who finds it a burden can PM me instead of leaving comments on the story.
651624 Ah, but then you lose half the fun :P
All I know is if fluttershy goes 'sparkly' on me we're going to have words.Not the happy kind either.
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No, I'm not that crazy*. My approach to this combines "Old School" and the show's relentless optimism. It is "Old School" in how the "basic model" works. The optimism comes from how the "modifications" that the Elemental Harmony Blast put on Luna's magic changes things, plus something from Celestia and one other character who I am going to leave a mystery for now.
*EDIT: After further consideration, I have realized that I AM that crazy, but not that STUPID.
Another Chapter "The fun has been doubled"
Edit: Tried to go to sleep after this but apparently that was a mistake i was up for hours laughing about how i could picture rainbow going "Warning the side effects include being ausome!"
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Well, when I was writing this, I would have guessed that the "creepy" aspect would be more likely to cause insomnia than the humor aspect, but, while I would be of two minds about creeping people out that much*, I will take this.
*It would be a failure by Luna's standards, but I don't have the advantage of being a mind-reader or crafting my scares for smaller audiences that I can tweak for.
Skunk Stripe on the Equestria-Daily chats recommended deleting the following red-highlighted phrases which I have provided in their larger context for... context:
"The wagon was currently in a darkened alley (thank heavens Luna had cast those night-vision spells on both of them, temporarily making their vision almost the equal of Adamant and Westwood, her chauffeurs... although since they were on break right now it was "Adam" and "West")."
and
"Writing a mean letter to her mother... why she had asked her own mother not to write quite so often to remind her to look for a nice stallion... tearing up the letter and burning it lest anyone see that she had written such a horrible thing. (Heh... only you Fluttershy could think of THAT as being mean.)"
What do people think?
Wow I just now noticed that this chapter finally got posted, it was awesome to semi-read^ again! Be careful with the font thing though, making it too small for too long makes it a bit difficult to read sometimes, though I suppose that works pretty well with how it's difficult to hear something that's quiet...
*shrug*
At any rate, can't wait for more!
^Semi-read as in I skimmed it a bit this time, mainly only stopped and reading my favorite paragraphs and such.
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and 
standing across the room while 
and 
whispering about using the Elemental Harmony Regalia?
Are you saying you think I should up the font-size a notch in the bit with
Also, I thought I posted this pretty quick after I got a characterization pre-read...
SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT
Chapter 1:
Nice cold open with Big Mac; it will be interesting to see the progression of events that lead to it.
Good characterization of Luna, Pinkie, and Twilight. Is there any reason why Twilight’s thoughts are in quotation marks instead of apostrophes or italics? It might just be a personal thing, but I keep reading it as her saying those things aloud instead of thinking them.
“Canterlot a little earlier:” This feels a little awkward to me, I think I would reverse it to become “A little earlier in Canterlot:” or just, “Earlier in Canterlot:” to make the story flow a little better during the transition.
I’ve noticed a lot of mixed usage of first and third person pronouns in Luna’s speech. Is this because she is slowly acclimating to the modern vernacular?
Okay, I think I know what Fluttershy is; makes the whole “Big Mac with a bleeding neck wound” scene make sense, as well as the sudden hatred of food.
Oh, and warnings against running water too, I love your attention to detail. Isn’t there a stream right next to Fluttershy’s house though? I suppose it wouldn’t pose a problem as long as it doesn’t pass under the road.
“Say rather centuries.” This seems… a little off to me. I know Luna’s speech patterns are supposed to be stilted and archaic, but that just doesn’t feel correct. Perhaps “I/We would rather say centuries.” Or something of that nature.
Closing thoughts: I think you did a good job of building up the dramatic tension, with only a few hiccups (I agree with Skunk Stripe about those lines of text) and managed to completely avoid a single mention of garlic. That alone warrants you some kudos.
I liked it and will be moving onto chapter two now. Keep up the good work.
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-Could you put a spoiler alert at the start of your message? It should only be necessary for this first chapter.
Speaking of which:
SPOILER ALERT!!!
Is there any reason why Twilight’s thoughts are in quotation marks instead of apostrophes or italics? It might just be a personal thing, but I keep reading it as her saying those things aloud instead of thinking them.
-I guess I might try apostrophes (AKA single quotes). Will have to think about it.
“Canterlot a little earlier:” This feels a little awkward to me, I think I would reverse it to become “A little earlier in Canterlot:” or just, “Earlier in Canterlot:” to make the story flow a little better during the transition.
-I will change that.
I’ve noticed a lot of mixed usage of first and third person pronouns in Luna’s speech. Is this because she is slowly acclimating to the modern vernacular?
-More like she is REALLY stressed out right now and is reverting to her old modes of speech a lot of the time.
I suppose it wouldn’t pose a problem as long as it doesn’t pass under the road.
-It does (there is a bridge), but my particular "ruling" is that it is fine as long as she doesn't TOUCH it. Note Celestia's exact directions for bathing.
Perhaps “I/We would rather say centuries.” Or something of that nature.
-I'll think about it.
and managed to completely avoid a single mention of garlic. That alone warrants you some kudos.
-Why? I would consider that a minor bad thing... as in "well, it would have been nice to work that in, but I there wasn't a really good place for it". Note that I DO intend on including some examination of that later.
I liked it and will be moving onto chapter two now. Keep up the good work.
-Thank you very much for your help!
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-Could you put a spoiler alert at the start of your message? It should only be necessary for this first chapter.
Sorry about that, its up now.
SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT
In regards to my dislike of using garlic as a "sign", its really because the answer is just so blatantly obvious from that point on, which makes it pointless to use when there are so many other things that can get the same message across with an air of subtly to them. Speaking of which, I take it that Fluttershy (and this is without having read the second chapter, sorry) will need permission to enter owned buildings?
The only other things I can think of that would effect her would be holy symbols/ground. On kind of silly side note from that, I guess this means that Luna and Celestia aren't physical goddesses in this story? Cause that would make things really interesting for Fluttershy.
SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT
Why did I put that comment in this chapter's section? eh whatever, sorry for the double post. On to...
Chapter 2:
Again, good characterization for all of the characters. You really seemed to get the particular “flavor” each voice has, like Rarity’s slightly too formal speech patterns and Applejack’s “southern” drawl.
Did Twilight give Fluttershy verbal permission to enter library? I couldn’t find it, and that’s always such a key part of the creatures’ mythology that I think it would be worth adding in a spare line or two to cover it in the story.
I see that Big Mac harbors feelings for Fluttershy, which explains his presence in the story’s opening scene. Though if I remember correctly, this takes place three weeks before that scene and Big Mac had only taken to wearing his Big Mac the Knife costume for one week… Is that just a misstep in the story’s chronology, or is that time important? Could that be when he is enthralled by an out of control Fluttershy? (Please don’t answer that actually, I’ll find out as the story progresses, this is just me thinking out loud).
And finally, Fluttershy has a heartbeat? I thought it was established that she was “dead” and didn’t really have bodily functions beyond the need to feed?
Closing Thoughts: I really couldn’t find anything wrong with this chapter, which is why this review is so short compared to the last one. The grammar was rock solid as far as I could tell, I didn’t see any wording issues, and I had to really think for a few minutes to come up with something to say, which is why this might seem a little nitpicky (sorry about that).
Great Chapter. Hope to see more.
SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT
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She... won't need permission but WHY that is I haven't yet decided. There are two options, and I need to pick one eventually.
As for Celestia and Luna, they are (arch-)angels granted physical form, which is to say if they DIDN'T have a boss and DID accept worship, they WOULD qualify as gods*.
The most common versions of "Get thee back thing of Satan!" would be the Elemental of Harmony Blast, the Fire of Friendship from Hearths Warming, and what Shining Armor and Princess Cadence did to cast out the Changelings. Physical objects only matter if they are the Elemental Harmony Regalia, so it isn't like Fluttershy is going to burn herself if she picks up a flag of Equestria (with the ying-yang thing that Celestia and Luna are doing on it) or touches her nose to a page bearing an image of the sun to turn it or anything like that. Since Discord can apparently "touch" the Elemental Necklaces with his telekinesis without his eyeballs exploding or something, I am going to say that it will be no surprise at all when she isn't burned by touching the Necklace of Kindness.
I would say more about the banes, but I don't want to spoil too much, both for your enjoyment and so I can see when you figure out/grasp my explanations for each point.
*Read my other story, "Scratching a Diamond" if you want an idea of the power they wield in my fanon, with the clarification that Celestia was using focused sunlight, just not enough to vaporize more than one centimeter of steel per second (or something like that).
SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT
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You really seemed to get the particular “flavor” each voice has, like Rarity’s slightly too formal speech patterns and Applejack’s “southern” drawl.
-Ironically enough I paid special attention to that just so i could avoid having to tag every quote with "said ____________" for the reader to know who is talking.
Did Twilight give Fluttershy verbal permission to enter library? I couldn’t find it, and that’s always such a key part of the creatures’ mythology that I think it would be worth adding in a spare line or two to cover it in the story.
-Given that Fluttershy didn't enter the library under her own power, but rather was CARRIED inside by means of a vaguely cigar-shaped (at the time) bubble of magical force half-full of dirt, plus the fact that "must be invited in" is often understood to not apply to public buildings (library) I don't think the reader can conclude anything about anything from the fact that Twilight didn't give her permission per se.
Though if I remember correctly, this takes place three weeks before that scene and Big Mac had only taken to wearing his Big Mac the Knife costume for one week… Is that just a misstep in the story’s chronology, or is that time important?
-All I will say is that I stand by that chronology.
And finally, Fluttershy has a heartbeat? I thought it was established that she was “dead” and didn’t really have bodily functions beyond the need to feed?
-Meh, I included that tweak to the standard legends to explain why a stake through the heart does anything.
Update soon please...
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_llbf6huKZ21qj1mtmo1_500.jpg
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I've been working on it on and off... mostly "off" admittedly, but your request should help. I mostly just need to get to a good stopping place for the chapter break (I have enough word-count).
Warmblood suggested I take out the part with the lasers, but I think it is kinda cool, in the vein of Scratching a Diamond. What does everyone else think?
The laser do seem a bit out of place to me but it didn't take anything away. Also it looks like you left your proofreaders notes in a few places.
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Oops!
*Goes to remove his editing notes to himself.*
EDIT: Done!
I agree the lasers are out of place, just too modern and advanced for Equestria. The deuterium and tritium I can buy into since Celestria is the sun goddess thus should know about fusion. I would have rather seen you state Twilight used her MAGIC to excite the hydrogen atoms, perhaps with the aid of some crystals Celestria supplied to help her do it, and left lasers out of it. After all, magic IS Twilight's forte.
I like that you don't have Fluttershy tied down to sleeping in a coffin.
There was a vampire story I read years ago wherein the vampires were just like normal people, neither good or bad, just with unusual abilities and problems. They didn't need to drink blood to the point of killing anyone nor did vampirism spread via a bite. The point is this story nicely explained away a lot of the vampire mythos in believable ways. The sleeping in a coffin bit was due to their extreme sensitivity to sunlight, it didn't kill then but was annoying and painfull. Even a little crack of light kept them awake. A totally blacked out room would work but wasn't portable nor stop someone from accidentally opening the door. Coffins were used in this story because they were very comfortable, elegant, portable (if traveling) and could be locked from the inside. Plus the non-vampires in the story knew not to open any coffins during daylight hours.
Also the soil thing was passed off as vampires were supposed to be protectors of their town or community. They felt a drawing or longing to return to their homes if they spent too long away, especially if the town was in danger. Taking earth from their homes with them if they traveled postpone this effect. So if they need to travel they had to take some with them. BTW, they were also not allergic or repelled by garlic, it was just that with all their senses enhanced, garlic really stank badly to most of them, enough that they would refuse to get near any.
SPOILER ALERT!!!
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Well, they are MAGIC pumped lasers, rather than electrically pumped, and the containment is a lot harder than the excitation from what little I know of the subject. What with Twilight being able to repair hydroarcanic dams and lift an ursa minor(Although I don't know if star-bears are as dense as flesh and blood bears) I thought I would play up her telekinesis*. I suppose I could have Twilight trying to do both, but that makes the steel safety plate seem more problematic somehow.
*I am heavily influenced by a story I read in which two criminals are given phenominal powers by something like The Devil. The less dangerous one creates a bunch of mecha and aircraft and tanks out of thin air. The more dangerous one seems to be spending most of his time communing with "The Devil". When the less dangerous one challenges him on what he has to show for his time, the more dangerous one says "A water balloon" and conjures a floating sphere of water which he then sends flying off many miles and squeezes it hard enough with his magic to cause the hydrogen in it to fuse. (Tactical?) H-bomb without a fission component to get it started (and thus mercifully low fall-out). Of course, Twilight is merely trying for a sustained reaction at an energy loss, and using mere grams (if not only milligrams) of hydrogen isotopes. She has enough control these days to not overshoot when she finally succeeds in squeezing hard enough.
That story sounds interesting, and I would like to read it for comparison if you can find it. In this case, vampires are... well, I hinted at what the average vampire is like... a mental patient in a hermetically sealed cell given the best quality of life they can be without undue risk to the public. Eripmavs on the other hoof, are... well, we have already established they don't appear to have any bloodlust. As for the vampiric weaknesses, I have strongly hinted at what the situation is with one of them, and will be explicitly explaining as many of them as I can, although the explainations won't be "scientific" they WILL be very logical. The only ones I am less sure about are holy symbols and "must be invited in", but even for those I have some ideas.
Read through of this chapter, and resultant editing done. Found two plot flaws, one of which I fixed with Twilight NOT laying on the ground plus hoof-boots, and the other with a paper bag.
Well, I do appreciate watching Twilight being studious.
And I'm glad that Fluttershy isn't going to have as many problems as a typical vampire.
Also, glad that she does have some adapting to do though. After all, it wouldn't be as interesting a story without that.
I was half asleep when I first read this and read deuterium as dilithium. Needless to say I was very confused and expected a DisQord fic for a little bit, which would have been very weird. Maybe I should go to sleep huh?
Signed the good dr.
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Sleep sounds wise in such a case.
I would look forward to any comments you would have on any of the chapters when you are more awake.
Feels like the characters needed more introducing than what they got, as it was a little difficult to follow a whole cast of new characters. It also might be beneficial to better explain the Milk Fees, and the use of cows/bulls in the legal system (which has not been used in the show itself to my knowledge). It feels very different from the other three chapters, again probably due to the lack of introduction.
Signed the good dr.
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How would you suggest I do that exactly? I mean without "telling" rather than "showing"?
This chapter exists for the purpose of introducing someone or something* so I am keenly interested in how I can have that aspect work better. Should I switch to Krastos's POV before he meets Nightflitter? This chapter already feels too long to me, but that may just be because I know what a simple thing it is meant to accomplish as far as the overall story-telling.
*I don't want to be specific for fear of spoiling later chapters. Perhaps we should continue this in private message?
Both are my own headcanon, and neither is likely to be very important in the rest of the story, unless the story surprises me, which it very well could do. I have heard that one should always have a layer of detail that you, as the author know, but which you don't show the reader. It helps make the world feel more 'real'. While this chapter is even a step beyond that, I didn't want to spend too much time explaining stuff that will come up rarely or never and is of only tangential importance to the plot. I feel like I already did a lot of that.
I guess I can go ahead and answer you here in a very basic way, but I still wonder how I can fix the chapter so that the reader is satisfied without reading the comments.
-The underlying fanon that explains both of these things is that milk production requires both specialized lactation spells, specialized milking machines that benefit from economy of scale, and, for maximum production, a rather sedentary lifestyle on the part of the cow. It doesn't pay much, but since it is additional income on top of that for whatever sedate job the cow has, that works out just fine. The bulls tend to share the cows preferences in jobs, but this isn't exactly a purely rational thing, but rather just one of those weird things that happen in cultures comprised of individuals who are not perfectly rational (which is all of them IRL, and the vast majority of them even in fiction).
-For the above reason, judges tend to be cows or bulls, but that there is no particular legal requirement that this be true.
-Milk-fees are simply the cost in lost milk for stressing out a cow (a physiological real thing I believe, although not something that exists economically/legally as a distinct entity as far as I am aware). Naturally they aren't charged for most things, but for waking a cow up in the middle of the night on business it would apply.
I suppose I could add a glossary to the end of this chapter, or in a following chapter, with some more of my hyperlinks on the appropriate terms leading to that chapter. Do you think that would be a good idea?
Shall I go ahead and PM you and explain what the underlying purpose of this chapter is?
How does it feel different? I know you said WHY, but what is the difference itself?
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Eh maybe I am just looking too closely at something that isn't important. We'll see how overly analytic I was next chapter then.
Signed the good dr.
A very... Out of left field chapter. Not sure what it's leading to, and honestly thought I'd somehow stumbled onto the chapter of some other story from the sudden shift. Suppose that's just the result of the first chapters focusing on Fluttershy/Twilight then shifting to the perspective of a previously unknown guardpony. That and Krastos, who I've heard the name but have no idea where he's from and find the concept of him... Somehow so laughable it overrides most of the rest of the chapter. *shrug*
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I am loopy with lack of sleep as I type this, so excuse any errors or unclear bits.
"Krastos the Gluemaker" originated here: http://www.npr.org/2011/06/25/137386121/bill-clinton-plays-not-my-job
Summary: During a game-show/interview on NPR, former US president Bill Clinton stated "Krastos the Glue Maker" should be the lead villain on the show. Krastos was one of the wrong answers about which of four options was an actual villain on the show. The questions are intentionally blindingly easy even for someone who knows nothing about the subject in question.
There have been several characterizations of the character in the fandom, mostly as a human. None of these characterizations have anything to do with my story to my knowledge.
In any case, I latched onto the name, since... well, I don't want to give it away to anyone who hasn't had the realities of this chapter sink in. Suffice to say that he is simultaneously NOT a villain, and an rather unnerving concept to human society as we experience it.
"Laughable" is good, as long as you also realize the full extent of what his job entails.
What Krastos does for a living:
When a pony in Ponyville dies, he generally skins them, turns their hooves into glue, and, if the deceased did not own any carnivorous or omnivorous pets who would appreciate the final gift from their departed master, delivers their meat to Fluttershy so she can feed it to the carnivores in her care. Fluttershy pays him out of the funds she is allocated for such things. He then puts the leftovers in a box, which the family buries in the cemetery that Krastos is also the caretaker of. Full-sized coffins are seen as a bit selfish, but nopony wants to speak ill of the bereaved or the dead when that does happen. Naturally, to prevent any chance of shenanigans there is a bit of paperwork involved in all this.
What his role is in the rest of the story:
I intend it to be incredibly minor. Technically I could omit him altogether from the rest of the story, but it seems a waste of a good character to not have him chime in at one other point in the plot. The reason for including this chapter is simply to establish his existence, so when somepony completely casually mentions Fluttershy feeding dead ponies to bears and ferrets it doesn't come completely out of left field.
finally finished reading last chapter and I have a few questions
1. I am confused, I noticed that you have Lyra as a seapony in here. Is she supposed to be a real narpony who can change back and forth or is this part of her costume?
2. Have you looked at editing front page by adding the "Original characters box," along with Twilight, Fluttershy, and etc?
3. Who is Krastos and how long has Fluttershy known him? What about their origins of meeting? Have you considered a flashback?
4. What time of the night is this section of the story taking place? I know you said that it takes place during nightmare night but I am curious about the time.