I grew up alongside my mother on our small island, only the occasional merchant interceding our lives. She always told me that I was special, but that's just what mothers do right?
She told me to always remember that my wings were a good thing, that I should never dislike them.
I never understood what she said until I left our little island in the sky, when, for better or worse, my life changed.
Cheers to Golden Script for editing chapter one.
Big thanks to Jsyrin for the cover art.
Scheduled to be rewritten.
Chapters (2)
You have a few sentence fragments and comma splices here and there, there are some tense agreement issues, and in general your sentences make it seem like you just can't stop talking until you run out of breath. Word choice is sometimes questionable too.
Overall the narrative moves too quickly to set a proper tone. You should be aiming for a repeating pattern of rising tension followed by relief, small reliefs at more frequent intervals and the largest reliefs at the end of scenes. So far this feels too disjointed to be a proper narrative. It's one-thing-then-another-unrelated-thing rather than a natural narrative progression. There's little focus. Create tension through showing some conflict, then stretch out and gradually heighten the tension to let the reader stew for awhile, then relieve it. Chapters should logically end right after the high point of the tension, so really this chapter ought to have ended with the pegasus falling to earth, or perhaps the second after he wakes up. Consider that by the end of this chapter, there's very little unresolved tension left to make the reader want to continue on to the next chapter.
5338921
Im... I'm pretty stoked right now. I honestly appreciate you taking the time to criticize the story as no one usually bothers.
I'll make sure to work on the issues youve brought up as much as I can ^-^.
5339018
Yeah, I know the feeling. You publish a new story and all you want is for people to comment on it. What a headache when no one does. (And when they do comment, they never say enough to satisfy you.)
5339078
Exactly!
Intriguing. Beguiling.
I'm interested in seeing where this goes from here.
There's a nice little narrative established, with the split of pegasi and the other, ground-pounders.
The gloating islands are nice as well.
5340384
Ground-pounders.... Using that!
If this is 'boring' I want to see interesting.
5354517
It's almost 11 30 dude, get some rest.