Things seem to only get worse between the Apple sisters. When Applejack begins to snap because of these problems, it would be best to move Applebloom as far away from her as possible before someone gets seriously hurt.
Chapters (2)
ShylyGirl
Joined 26th Nov, 2014 ·
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*reads*
Well that was a terrible fanfic.
Don't listen to the guys that claim this is bullshit. They are fanboys. XD
5317473
Fanboys of what?
5317483
Of My Little Pony of course.
5317561
Just because I like mlp, doesn't mean I'm going to downvote every dark story ever. It's not going to alienate my love for it.
This, however, is terrible.
5317568
Oh, that's too bad.
I honestly didn't mind this.
Just a few touch ups.
Not sure if the spaces between the dialogue and quotation marks is a formatting error or just a honest mistake. Either way no biggie, maybe just touch them up. Makes it easier to read.
Maybe put the "hopefully" after "as she looked at Applejack". Just makes it flow a little better. But I'm not telling you how to write your own stories, just a suggestion.
I noticed at the end of paragraphs you occasionally forget to put periods. Mainly at the start. Nothing major but investing in a prereader or "grammar snipers" as I call them, will do your story a world of good.
As for the plot. It kept me interested and was generally well paced. Cliff hangers are always welcome.
In the end: these suggestions are just my 2c. You should write because you enjoy it. And let me tell you; you know you have a good story when half the critics love it and the other half loathe it (just a quote I remember reading).
Regardless: have a like and a watch.
Thank you for the feed back Simple Static! Hehe, many of those mistakes were on my part, and partially because my mind runs faster than my fingers can type! I'll fix them right away!
Another pretty solid chapter. Decent length and the story is *trotting* (+1 for pony pun) along nicely.
What I love about your story is that fact you use the bold, italics and whatnot to highlight words of importance. Some people don't like that. I do because it draws me into the story.
The mental image made me laugh.
Just on the last line, maybe bring it down two spaces so it has a tad of a better impact as a cliff hanger. (< me grammar no gooder).
I'm really looking forward to this dark tag. A lot of writers go from a tad gory and progressively get worse. What I like is you kind of tapered off for this chapter and let the previous events do the talking. It builds suspense (for me anyway).
So far so good I'm a happy reader.
Thank You Simple Static!
Its nice to know your enjoying the story! I'll have to start giving credit to you for giving me ideas, and corrections on how to make the story better!
Its never good to take another person's ideas without quoting or at least mentioning them! The next chapter may be out soon, depends... I start school again tomorrow
See ya soon!
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Protip: there's a little arrow on the top right hand side of an individual's comment. That will link your responding comment with the repondee's comment (hope that makes sense). That will give me a notification when you reply to my comments.
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Oh ok! I didn't know that :). I've only just joined FiM, soooo... I'm kind of nooby
5334441
Weren't we all noobs once?
Oh boy, thank God I finish school last year. The freedom is enjoyable.