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After the finale at the battle of the bands Sonata Dusk runs from a group of angry students wanting revenge. Sonata finally escapes into a supply closet hoping no one will find her.
Sunset Shimmer one of the angry students attempts to find the Dazzlings until she hears crying coming from a supply closet and goes to investigate.
What happens next is a lesson for both.
Cover Art by http://thealjavis.deviantart.com/
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FIRST! And I love the potential Sunata shipping.
Hm. This seems like an interesting story thus far. Hope it continues.
I must say, this is a good story so far.
It's not a bad story. Lots of spelling errors and what-not, but not a bad story.
Well... That was good.
I feel that the story should be extended from here. I know someone who could do it.
The author of: The Evening Sonata.
5302669 OMG I didnt think to see you here!
5311478
And who are you?
5302669 Hmm I would be more than happy to have him continue the story. if of course if he wants to take over the story.
...Oof.
This was quite sloppy. Your mechanics need work. Commas, or the lack thereof, seem to be an especially big problem.
Oy vey
So, where to begin?
Actually, I'll just ask this: Is English your first language?
Your ideas were decent. You took an interesting concept and went interesting places with it.
It's just... Your grammar was miserable. Dialogue punctuation was especially bad. Your sentence structure was choppy. Nothing really flowed well together. And your pacing was far too fast. There was really no time to develop your characters and advance the story. Everything happened too quickly.
I strongly suggest getting an editor. A good one.
5317540 thank you for your critique. You are right I do need to work on my writing and on my English.
I usually get that I have good idea's and concepts however I lack the ability to convey them.
This was a great story, and I hope to see a continuation in the future
I really enjoyed that, Its very well written and full of feels. Well
done
Review: Sonata’s Loss , Purpleblackkiwi, 22/12/2014
Hi, this is cheeze from WRITE, called in for a review. The odd thing is that you don’t need a reviewer—you need an editor.
You seem to have a decent idea of a plot, of what should come first and what should come next. The plot is simple, and it works fine. The reactions of the characters appear to be justifiable, and thus believable. In terms of description, you have a good sense of what objects to focus and elaborate on. All those details about the food in Sonata’s hair and being crammed into the closet really made me go like ‘ugh, yuck!’ And that means you’ve done a good job.
Channelling emotion into writing and generating high tension moments are not easy feats, and even many experienced writers struggle with creating drama. So I have to say I’m impressed with some of the things you’ve done here, despite having very unsatisfactory writing footwork. You’ve got a solid introduction, setting the tone early and getting into the thick of things. It was clever to begin with a scene like that, and that shows in the story’s rating.
Take note, however, that despite having a strong start, I find that the writing begins to lose a bit of its flair by the second chapter, especially when you fall into repetition, using the same words again and again or telling us things that we already know of.
Let’s talk about the negatives.
There is little help in sugar-coating this, so I’ll say it outright—your writing footwork is absolutely horrendous. I’m sure you’re somewhat aware of this already. The grammar is terrible. There’s confusion between singular and plural forms, there are slippages in tense. The change in perspectives are extremely confusing, and it feels as if we’re playing a mental tennis match with the characters, meaning that the perspective switches ever so often, and ever so abruptly. The speech tags are a mess, with unnecessary capitalizations. Comma splices are rampant and litter every other paragraph of writing.
I’ve fished up some examples below for discussion. The quoted version is text lifted directly from the story, while the text below the quote is my suggested version. My suggestions are merely basic corrections with regards to mechanics, and they can be improved further.
She finally felt a secure ledge. A shelf maybe, she thought.
Whatever the object was, it was nothing to help her stay up.
This information can actually be considered as repetition. There are many instances of repetition in your story. Note that you’ve already described Sonata losing her balance and slipping, thus it can be inferred by the reader that the object obviously did not help her stay up. Explicitly stating this is unnecessary spoon-feeding.
How could this have happened to her, she thought.
Improved version: How could this have happened?
The reason why you can cut out the ‘she thought’ is because things are currently in her perspective. There is, after all, only a single character in the scene, and you’re actually describing her emotions just the line before. As such, there is no need to clarify and these are her thoughts.
“What’s your name?” asked Sunset.
This is a recurring issue with your writing. If a speech tag follows after the dialogue, there should be no capitalization. If an action tag follows, capitalization is required. Here’s a very useful list of examples:
Attribution of Dialogue (Dialogue Tagging)
Wrong:
✖ "Hi there," the pink pony grinned. (It should be a period: ‘grinned’ isn’t a ‘speaking’ verb.)
✖ "Hi there." The pink pony said. (This should be a comma; no capitalization should be used)
✖ "Hi there"! the pink pony shouted! (Punctuation of dialogue belongs inside the quotes.)
✖ "Hi there!" The pink pony shouted! (Don’t capitalize "the"; treat the "!" as a comma.)
Correct:
✔ "Hi there," the pink pony giggled. (She giggled while saying the words.)
✔ "Hi there." The pink pony giggled. (She said those words, then giggled.)
✔ "Hi there." The pink pony grinned. (The word 'grinned' isn't a 'speaking' verb.)
✔ "Hi there!" the pink pony shouted. (Exclamations and queries replace the comma.)
(referenced from: The Editor’s Omnibus, https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WMMs8H-GpFIXPsQeC0RNu8V-Cq6uyGl_UERpOUK_6KY/edit?hl=en_US)
Script writing is a big no-no. Stories with a script format are generally not approved on the site. Also, this is an example of what I mean by the abrupt switches in perspectives. First we’re inside Sonata’s head and reading her thoughts, then all of a sudden we’re in Sunset’s head with her thoughts, and then suddenly it’s back to Sonata.
There was also a confusing, though less severe, shift in perspective with the entrance of Sunset into the story, part of which I quote below:
This shift in perspective from Sonata to Sunset was sloppy. From the impression I got, I actually thought you were writing from the 3rd person limited perspective, meaning that the story is being told through Sonata’s eyes. This seems to be the case especially at the beginning, where Sonata was alone in the locker.
My final remark is that you don’t need to reiterate background information that we already know of as the readers. You don’t need to explain that Sunset played a critical role in their defeat, or what the Dazzlings were and all that. It’s already known to the reader, and even to the characters.
And this concludes my review. It’s interesting, because it’s not often that I come across writers that have managed to hit some higher aspects of writing but don’t have the proper footwork and mechanics to back it up. The job of an editor is to weed out all these errors. You need an editor, one that actually knows what he’s doing. It’s understandably difficult to find good, dedicated ones. Perhaps try this group? I’ve never tried it before though.
(https://www.fimfiction.net/group/197236/overly-extensive-editors)
Set up a googledocs and work all this issues out. It will do your story wonders, and who knows? Maybe a few days later I’ll be seeing it in the feature box.
Keep writing, and I hope this review’s been useful.
--cheezesauce, WRITE’s perpetual underground lurker.
fc06.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/349/4/b/reviewer_logo_longver03_01_by_burrakupansa-d5o60h2.png
5418383
I have been looking everywhere for the dialogue rules on capitalization and punctuation. Also some great tips on other things, too.
5317521
I think The Story is fine.