The pony of Honesty can not lie about a secret nopony knows about. But, how deep is her secret?
Rated Teen for excessive drug usage and dark themes as well as language.
Chapters (9)
Julia
Joined 13th Oct, 2014 ·
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What is this a crossover with?
5304212 oh, sorry for adding that, i must have clicked it on accident
Oh, ok!
Holy fuckmuffins this is amazing.
all right so i finished reading this and all i have to say is what the hell did i read i mean seriously i couldn't understand anything
5480581 lol, i wanted to use my knowledge of the Gnostic Religion and make it into a MLP fanfic... it got kind of out of hoof
Wow... this... this story is just great!
One word to describe this story: epic. You did well at giving the details in this story, especially in the battle sequences. However, at the same time, that's a problem. The chapters in your story have extremely long "paragraphs" in there, I advise that you keep in mind that you are writing paragraphs, so spacing really helps.
See? Besides, with those long paragraphs, your story can quickly become, dare I say it, boring. But other than that, your story was really great.
I like the idea.
The formatting is terrible. Break up some of those paragraphs in the beginning. Break up some of the paragraphs in the middle.
Then the story becomes circular in some portions. Applejack knowing about Rarity but never trying to get her to socialize with the other girls. Even with the exposition, it seems really odd that in a smallish town they lost track of each other that much. Or maybe it isn't. I'm conflicted on that note.
I will still continue to read and give constructive criticism as I continue.
This was the Mariest Sue of all stories I encountered. Yet, it wasn't. I googled Demiurge when it first came up and it led me to understand more of what was "going on."
It also reminded me of how much Applejack always seemed like a ponified Megan from what I remember of the pilot for G1. I'd like to imagine that somewhere the meld of Velvet and Applejack are reborn as the original Megan; starting the journey all over from a different perspective.
You have kept me enraptured. It has given me an odd sense of self-reflection.
It's good, but it could be better. First, one thing that stood out to me was the length of some of the paragraphs. While long paragraphs aren't a bad thing, I noticed that some of them could benefit from being split into two paragraphs instead of being condensed into one. Aside from that, I didn't notice anything from the writing style that needed to be changed.
However, I feel like the story is a little too heavy on the exposition. Perhaps getting some more character interaction into the story would help, because while exposition can be useful in setting up the story, too much of it can be overwhelming. Anyway, I do like the idea you have here, and with some cleaning up, I think that you might have something here. I wish you the best of luck in your future writings.
5581271 thank you
5581280 You're welcome.
In between the heavens above and hell below, they stayed on the world to remember everything it had to offer. The adventure was far from over, and as a matter of fact, one would be wise to ssy(Error here, should be "say") it had just begun.
This story has a weird raw, innocence to it. This is where I would say "neat" and be content. I can't.
Still, I can respect what you want to become.
>23K
Fuck....
Gonna grab some water.
Here...take this before I start.
Formatting, formatting, formatting. Extremely long paragraphs ran through this entire chapter with minimal conflict or change. All I got was constant dumps of info on what had happened. I feel like you could really run with the premise, but it's bogged down immediately by the long info dumps and lack of immediate conflict.
We have AJ planning to kill herself, but that solves itself at the start. It's looming, but the immediate issue is solved almost instantly. From there it's just a massive "THIS HAPPENED, THEN THIS HAPPENED, THEN THIS HAPPENED" for the rest of the chapter.
Things pick up slightly towards the end where they start pushing AJ to talk more, but before that it's all just pfffffffffff exposition.
I do really like the generational jump idea, but it got bogged down in the telling. You could have simply shown Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo talking or hanging out and made slight mention to her busted up wing. You could have just mentioned the baby and showed how little Flutter had changed by staying in solid character. There's too much info that could be whittled down to "There's RD in the clouds with Scootaloo, her wing _____"
From there it can either hint at what happened or drop something like "The pair insuperable since RD's accident."
TOO MUCH TELL TOO MUCH INFO DUMP BAD TO THE EYE (constant long paragraphs that get lost in one another)
Also, late note: I have no idea where you're heading with the story.
I get that AJ is suicidal, but I have absolutely zero direction. Is she gonna actually do it? Is she gonna fix it? For either move, how? Right now you just kinda of dropped all this info and left the characters standing around talking and crying without any direction to fix or change things.